Robin Thicke "Blurred Lines"

*****Number One, June, 2013*****


Who doesn't love hockey?  I doesn't don't!

Meaning I do.

And do you know who else doesn't don't do?  That's right, this week's artist.

Thicke of the neutral zone

I'm a fan of a great many things.  Skating-related sports, cheesy 80's sitcoms, and, uh, that's it.  No, wait, there are certainly a lot of other activities I enjoy.  Presumably.  Wait, what else is there?  Hmm...tacos?  Yes!  Add tacos.  That's three, so yes, a GREAT many things.

Anyway, it's with mucho mullet-y gusto that I dive into our current number one song selection.

This is a tune that received near weekly airplay in its time, and is certainly worthy of an in-depth review.  Not every song is as heartfelt and clever as this particular entry.  And, because it is such an important piece of popular culture, we're going to review the whole gosh darn thing.

Awful Sweater>Youngest Son

Growing Pains was a sitcom about a bland white family.  For sure, must-see TV!  The parents had lovely hair and consistently helpful advice.  They had three kids who each rebelled in just the most non-rebellious of ways.  I'm guessing, at some point, one of them tried smoking or possibly consumed a drug.  Which drug?  I dunno, whichever one the bad kids were doing back then.  Olestra?  Probably.  Peer pressure is hard, just say no everyone.

They survived through tough, entitled times with the help of smiling and love and the satisfaction of knowing it would all be over in twenty-two minutes (minus commercials).  They persisted!  Plus, they had a world-famous actor living in their midst.  That had to help in a myriad of ways.

Now this is a Titanic film I'd see!

Alan Thicke played the father in this desperately milquetoast show.  His pure Canadian awesomeness shone through the staidness, though, and made it worth an occasional viewing.  He had layers.  Outside of dispensing down home wisdom to his pasty fake progeny, Mr Thicke reached several impressive heights.

• Had his own late night talk show, Thicke of the Night
• Co-composed the theme song of both The Facts of Life and Diff'rent Strokes!!!
• Inducted into Canada's walk of fame
• The Facts of Life AND Diff'rent Strokes!!!  Seriously!  That's definitely worth repeating

Sadly, he didn't compose today's entry, entitled "As Long as We've Got Each Other".  Think of how amazing it would have been if he did!  I bet he finally would've found that rhyme for "Gretzky" the world has been searching for lo these many years.  Instead, it was written by John Bettis and Steve Dorff (who, by the way, is the father of moderately successful movie actor Stephen Dorff.  So many familial connections today!).

Mr Thicke didn't add his beefy, booming vocals to the performance either, unfortunately.  BJ Thomas took the reins of spreading the shmaltz all over our earholes.  This Thomas fella was no slouch, though, as he himself had a number one hit back in 1969 with "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head."  Maybe we'll hear more about him on a future show!

If you're wearing a cap the raindrops can't hit your head. This song is all lies!

Alright, let's focus on the pains that are currently growing.   They grow so fast these days.

As Long as We've Got Each Other
Stanza 1
"Show me that smile again (show me that smile)
Don't waste another minute on your cryin'
We're nowhere near the end (nowhere near)
The best is ready to begin"
Summary:
There's a whole lot of telling me what to do here, and I'm not super keen on that, guys.  Plus, referencing "the end" is wildly depressing.  I don't care if we're nowhere near it or somewhere near it, just mentioning it bums people out.  Keep your empty platitudes to yourself, smile police.  Stanza Score - 8 Frowns

Stanza 2
"Oooohhh, as long as we got each other
We got the world spinnin right in our hands
Baby you and me, we gotta be
The luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin'."
Summary:
They went with four o's and three h's for "Oooohhh".  How is that decided?  And, how does a singer interpret that?   I'm honestly curious.  Oh, and "luckiest dreamer"?  I'm guessing that means winning the lottery in your dreams (not in real life, of course, just your dreams).  The unluckiest dreamer, I presume, just imagines really boring crap each night.  So, episodes of Growing Pains, I suppose.  Stanza Score - 5 o's and zero h's

Stanza 3
"As long as we keep givin'
We can take anything that comes our way
Baby, rain or shine, all the time
We got each other, sharin' the laughter and love"
Summary:
Counter to the wealth of o's and h's, this song is biased against g's.  In multiple places, including twice in this section, they forgo proper English for fancy word styling.  Sorry, stylin'.  This feels like a way to seem cool to the kids.  Hey fellow young people, watch our show!  We're fast paced, and sometimes leave our g's out.  That's right!  Tell your friends, the first watch is free.  Well, technically they all are, I suppose.  Stanza Score - All the g's.  All of them!

FINAL THOUGHTS
Alan Thicke - pretty cool
Growing Pains theme song - pretty not
I'm thinking the above pretty much sums it up. 

However, it is a bit odd, now that I think about it, that this theme song should reach the top of the musical mountain so many years after the show went off the air.  But, the hit world is a complicated place.  Sometimes it takes weeks, sometimes it takes decades to get your accolades.  Regardless, I'm happy we could talk a little about Mr Thicke.  He seemed like a good dude.  And, sadly, you can't say that for every number one hit maker. 

Men At Work "Down Under"

*****Number One, January, 1983*****


I've been to Australia.
I've eaten Vegemite.
I, um, am a man.  And I work.  Although, to be fair, I'm not a man "at work" at this precise moment.

Fact.

The above qualifications still make me uniquely qualified among the Single Breakdown writing staff to handle this particular number one.  This is true, regardless that I'm actually the only person on this writing staff.  My experience, that what it is, still puts me head and shoulders above the non-existent rest.  I mean, have the non-people been to Australia like I have?  Huh?  Well, not likely, since these fake people don't exactly have passports.  Which I do!  So, yeah, I'll handle this review.

Mate.

Sleeping under the Aussie flag will make you a New Zealander.  Fact!

Men at Work hit number one here in the colonies(?) with a jaunty and silly little tune called "Down Under".  It caught fire just around the start of the music video boom, which helped it find its way into semi-regular rotation on most top 40 radio stations.  I remember, at some point during my early teen years, staring blankly at the MTV as these very un-rockstar looking dudes bounced around in various cheap-looking locales.  I couldn't tell what they were saying, or just what they were down under-neath, but gosh they seemed awfully happy to be singing about it.

It was catchy, and had some lyrics that, to a landlocked suburbanite, made absolutely no sense.  They were filled with nonsensical words and a collective oddness.  For example, the chorus, though fun, came across as vaguely threatening:

"I come from a land down under / where women glow and men plunder
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder? / You better run, you better take cover"

Plundering men?  Thunder?  I need to take cover?!?!?   Jeez, way to ruin a kid's day.  Although, at least nobody was talking about moving microwave ovens.  For that, I was very, very grateful.

All Australian men wear their younger sister's clothes.  Fact!

The verses, however, have their own level of absurdity to take in.  Each of the three unique stanzas were written from the perspective of a person traveling abroad that felt deeply proud and wistful of their homeland.  And, at the same time, that bloke (Australian thing, slang) was very likely stoned/drunk out of his meat pie (Australian thing, savory).

So, let's take a gander at this trifecta of lyrical uncertainty and see what we can parse all these years later.  Will there be shrimp?  Will there be barbie?  Ooohh, I don't know?!?!!?

Actually, I do know.  There will be none of either.  Sorry.  Let's read on anyway:

Verse 1
"Traveling in a fried-out combie
On a hippie trail, head full of zombie
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous
She took me in and gave me breakfast"

For the moment, let's skip ahead to the third and fourth lines.  Imagine that you've met up with your friend, uh, Dexter,  No, too killery.  Uh, Hank!  Right, you haven't seen Hank in a while.  He asked what you did last weekend, and you respond, quite seriously, "Well Hank, I met a strange lady, who made me nervous!  She took me in and gave me breakfast."

You'll never see Hank again after that night.  He'll back away from you slowly and disappear, muttering to his friends about you and your impulses.  Hank will pity you.  Hank!  How does that feel?

That's what I thought.

Oh, and the first two lines?  Sure, those are great and completely reasonable.  No worries.

A head full of zombie is part of a complete Australian breakfast.  Fact!

Verse 2
"Buying bread from a man in Brussels
He was six-foot-four and full of muscles
I said do you speak-a my language?
He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich"

First of all, it's nice to support the local economy, where ever you are.  So, good on ya for visiting that local Belgian bakery.

Secondly, if he happened to have a vegemite sandwich just sitting there, ready to hand-pass to the next Aussie that walked in, I, uh possibly would politely place it in the bin.  People in that part of the world eat amazing food.  Remarkable stuff made with precision and incredible ingredients.  They don't consume mystery paste slathered in a french roll.  Seriously, that grub has been sitting there since the Yahoo Serious film festival ended.  So, for a loooooong time.

This is not a real food, it's just a huge joke played on the rest of the world.  Fact!

Verse 3
"Lyin' in a den in Bombay
With a slack jaw, and not much to say
I said to the man are you trying to tempt me?
Because I come from the land of plenty"

Opium.  You're in an opium den.  Really, you're in no place to brag about your homeland.

This handsome married couple will meet you at the airport!  Not a fact, sadly

FINAL THOUGHTS
It's difficult not to enjoy Men At Work's, um, work.  They had about a half-dozen songs getting airplay in the early-to-mid eighties, and they were all pretty good.  Weird, yes.  Ridiculous, indeed.  But, enjoyable, and certainly different sounding than every other top hit of the time.  And, given lead singer's Colin Hay resurgence over the past decade with a handful of acoustic heart-warmers, I think it's safe to say these guys had some talent.  Sure, it was buried in a kangaroo pouch under a mound of Tim Tam's, but it was there.

So, go visit Australia!  Perhaps you'll see a strange yet glowing woman, or a plundering, muscle-bound man.  Or, if you're really lucky, you'll spot men at work.  Not the band, unfortunately, but actual men working.  Still, you can point at them and scream your American head off about running for cover.  They'll know what that means.

Wham "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"

*****Number One, November, 1984*****


I started this blog many moons ago.  How many moons is that?  Um...hmm...many.  That's an official number!  Moon-counting has its own rules.  You'd know that if you counted moons.  Moon-hater.

Sorry, off-topic there.  Anyway, when I began this weekly companion to the Single File Pod, I did so with the intent of focusing on the lyrics of each number one song.  What I've learned so far in doing this, aside from how utterly randy Peter Gabriel was, is how much history I've had with most of these tunes.

It's been surprising, especially in terms of lyric recognition.  I've never owned, in tape or cd or download form, even one of the seven songs we've covered.  And yet, the percentage of verse-chorus-verse familiar to me has been pretty high.  By estimate, I'd say I know by heart;

• 75%+ of both "Sledgehammer" and "Money for Nothing"
• This is caused entirely by the pre-existing condition of having MTV at a time when that meant something.  These videos popped up anytime the channel was on, which was excessively.  Thanks to that, the bulk my childhood is zeroed out, but I could identify these crummy hits as well as all five original vj's in a half-second if I needed to.  Yeah, I know.  I'll never need to.
• 50% of "Light My Fire", "Jump", "Celebrity Skin", and "Gangsta's Paradise"
• These all swirled around me as popular songs are want to do, but I wouldn't say that I liked any of them.  I didn't gravitate towards rap nor 70's style organ rock nor Hole's polished version of alternative.  But still, in re-learning each of these, I've discovered at least half is already familiar to me, regardless of my musical preferences at the time.  How does that happen?  Osmosis?  Did I learn through my skin?  Gross.  
• 1% of "Tik Tok"
• I still don't feel like P Diddy.  Maybe I'm doing this wrong.

I'm definitely googling wrong

This weeks' spin on the NOPR points us to a top hit that fits in a different category than the allotment above.  While it was very popular during it's time on the charts, it didn't poke its way into my subconscious as so many tracks have since.  Perhaps the staying power lagged a bit due to the band's immediate success.  When you follow up with "Careless Whisper" and "Freedom", your initial hit might get lost a bit in the shuffle.  I guess that's what happens when your name is Wham. 

Sorry, Wham!

As of right now in this exact moment, I haven't looked up the words to "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go".  Before I do so, I thought I'd see what I can summon, brain-wise.  I can't grasp much from previous exposure, and by sheer memory power, here's all that I can currently recall, lyrically:

"Wake me up before you go-go / don't leave me hanging on a <something> yo yo"

"<Britishness>...Take me dancing tonight."

"<Mumble mumble mumble>.........high!!!!!!!!!"

"Yeah yeah!"

That's it.  I'm guessing that leaves a somewhat decent amount.  So, let's go take a look.  George Michael, what have ya got?

Don't tell me what to choose, Wham!

"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"
Verse 1
"You put the boom boom into my heart..."

And stop.  I just, no, I can't.  Please.  That's not, I mean, hang on, let me check something...

*****Number One, November, 1984*****

Yup, number one.  It's written right there, so it must be true.  Sigh, ok, let's try again.  How about the chorus? Any boom booms?  Sheesh, let's go slowly;

Chorus
"Wake me up before you go go / don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo"
"Wake me up before you go go /  I don't want to miss it when you get that high"
"Wake me up before you go go /  Cause I'm not planning on going solo"
"Wake me up before you go go /  Take me dancing tonight"
"I want to hit that high"

So, ok, I remembered a significant portion of the main refrain.  That's not terribly surprising, given the repetition.  At least there's a complete lack of boom booms, as any reputable song should have.  I feel like this is a perfectly fine stanza for an energetic dance song. 

In fact, parsing through the rest of the tune, it seems to be a well crafted fun bit of pop (booms aside).  But, wait, there is something I find a little confusing.  Let's jump to two different groupings, one immediately before the last chorus, and one just after:

Verse before the last chorus
"C'mon baby / let's not fight"
"We'll go dancing / and everything will be alright"

Super, great!  Let's forget our troubles and hit the town and...

Verse after last chorus
"Cuddle up baby / move in tight"
"We'll go dancing tomorrow night"

Uh, mixed signals!  George, come on, what happened during the chorus?

So, oh, ohhhhhhhhhhhh.  Never mind.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Reading through the text of this tune, I'm thoroughly surprised how little I remembered of it.  At that time in my life, I wasn't terribly discerning (my preference for Canadian alterna-folk-country had yet to rear it's confused, poutine-stuffed head).  So, I'm sure I heard Wham! a lot.  And, this is an incredibly catchy, well written hit.  It's really impressive to have something so simple and cleanly produced, and not surprising at all that it helped propel half of this duo to stardom.

"Wake me up" is a silly pop song.  And, that's just fine.  It fits with several other of the tunes we've already seen, in that it is built for one, simple purpose; Getting you up.  It doesn't make you think and there's no deeper meaning.  We're just go-going.  I'm ok with that, in small measured doses.

Except the boom boom.  Seriously, don't put that into my heart.  I've got moons to count.

Dire Straits "Money for Nothing"

*****Number One, September, 1985*****


Pretend you're a rock star.  Go ahead, I'll give you a few minutes.

---

Ok, did you have fun?  Was it everything you hoped for, what with the groupies and limos and soup-related violence?  Good.  Now, staying in that head space, let's present an actual quandary to consider.

The pretext:
You're in a band that has had a pretty successful run for a decade or so, and is currently out on an arena tour.  Multiple times a week, you and your fellow musicians get up in front of 15,000+ fans and play a two hour set.  The songs include recent hits and old favorites from your lengthy catalogue.  You've developed a solid following over the years by playing dependable, easy-to-digest middle-of-the-road rock and roll.  Some of your tunes are energetic and upbeat, while others are more of the ballad variety.  Note that, for shows in these types of buildings, everyone has a seat.

The question:
Taking all of this into consideration, which of the following methods do you use to lay out your set list?

1. Focus mostly on your hits and other well-known songs, so that even the most casual fans in attendance will be engaged.
2. Grab every mid-to-high tempo song you own and string them together to create a lively and dynamic show.
3. Similar to idea number two, but inject a section into the middle of the performance which includes just the mellower tunes.  That way, folks have a period of time to relax and enjoy your quieter jams, before you rile them back up again for a big finale.
4. Screw with your fans.  Constantly yo-yo back and forth between fast and slow tunes.  Play something uptempo and watch the most ardent among them leave their seats and excitedly walk to the front of the stage to dance.  Then, abruptly shift to something serene!  That way, those fans are left standing there trying awkwardly to keep clapping to music that they can't possibly keep time to.  See their enjoyment slowly drain from their bodies as they realize it isn't working and turn to slink back to their seats.  Then, once they've settled in, do another enthusiastic number to make them rise and start the cycle again!  Ha ha ha, suckers.  

If you chose answer 1, 2, or 3, congratulations, you're approved to be a rock star.

If you chose answer 4, congratulations, you were in Dire Straits in the late 80's and played a concert that I went to and categorically consider the worst show I've ever seen.

What, you don't want to stand here now?  What's wrong?

It might be unfair for me to quantify a band based on a single bad experience, especially one that hit the top of the charts and provided what might be the most iconic music video of all time.  However, the thing is, it's not unfair.  At all.

Dire Straits reached the mountaintop.  They achieved tremendous success and assured themselves a place in the memory banks of millions (yes, millions) of men and women of a certain age.  We all know "Money for Nothing", by sound and by sight.  As such, plenty of opinions have been espoused about this particular number one over the years.

Yes, the video had stupid, blocky, animation which was novel at that point in history.  Yes, that was Sting singing that music video channel's catchphrase in the background.  Yes, the lyrics contain some HIGHLY objectionable words and phrases that are completely (and quite reasonably) unallowable in all situations these days.  And, yes, that offensive dialogue made sense within the context of the song, due to the point of view of the "singer" (meaning not the Dire Straits lead, as the tune is written and performed from the perspective of a blue-collar schmuck).

It's a huge forest of opinion.  And while I could tack my thoughts to any one of hundreds of trees, I'd rather simply stay out in my own clearing.

Uh, thanks Chemica!

Is the song good lyrically?  No, because it really can't be.  "Money for Nothing" is the opinion of a simplistic and jealous dullard.  It wouldn't make sense for it to be clever or interesting.  It's basic ignorance and idol worship.  The real songwriter did a fair job of mining this depth, so that's worthy of an attaboy, I suppose.  But, it feels like a lie to affix a grade to the details.

So, how can I assess things here?  I can only ignore the individual hit and attribute my one moment of personal connection to everything the band has ever done.

Ok, I admit, it is unfair.

Ya, he's a great guitar player, but a headband with slacks? Take about Dire Straits!

So, let's find something in this unfortunate situation that I can treat with honest and reasonable consideration.  If we look hard enough, I'm sure something will come up.  To the Wikipedia...

"...other music videos are also featured within "Money for Nothing".  The Hungarian pop band Elso Emelet and their video "Allj Vagy Lovok" ("Stop or Shoot") appears as "Baby Baby"  by First Floor during the second verse of the song."

Oh yes, I think we have our lyrics to judge.  To the Google Translate...

Elso Emelet "Stop or Shoot"
Verse 1
The street is a battlefield, I'm attacking if I'm there
You are waiting for many opponents, little duels, great sighs
A boy, a girl, a two person army
You and me expect a double fight
There is nothing but a blink of an eye
The attack starts!

Verse 2
Do not even look at me if you do not know what you want
Well, consider the tactics, the practice
Old wisdom that women do not just so
If you can still believe he can win
There is nothing but a blink of an eye
The attack starts!

Chorus
Stop or Shoot I won the battle,
With the interruption operation

FINAL THOUGHTS for Elso Emelet
Uh, well, luckily, I'm Hungarian on my father's side and I know a total of two Hungarian words.  Thus, I feel I can really identify with what's happening.  And, clearly, there's a lot!  Attacks, duels, double fights.  Plus, a two person army.  That makes the White Stripes "Seven Nation Army" seem to be woefully overcompensating for something.  Very impressive, boy and girl.  Although, "old wisdom that women do not just so?"  That might be less impressive.  I think.  I...can't say for sure.

FINAL SCORE for Elso Emelet
I mean, come on, it's the interruption operation!  That deserves, um, three schnitzels!   With mustard!  That's a very strong score in Hungary.  I'm Hungarian, so I know. 

Istenem.  That's word one.

FINAL THOUGHTS for Dire Straits
Oh right, those guys.  Sorry, your concert was terrible.  The show had no flow, and the dozens of musicians on stage didn't seem to alter a hollow, dull sound.  Also, for some reason, whenever my friends or I walked away from our seats, other people would take them and insist they were theirs. And the seats were horrible!  Why would we choose to sit to the side of the stage in the third level if that wasn't what our ticket stubs said?  Seriously!  I know that part likely wasn't the band's fault, but come on.  Surely such a train wreck of a show must have some impact on the surroundings.  Right?  Boy, if I had paid for those tickets, I would've been really mad.

What?  No, I didn't buy the tickets for this show.  My friend Steve had an extra one and offered it to me.

Yes, yes, I see it too.  If I had bought the tickets, I could've had the perfect summation to this entry.  I know.  Money for nothing!!  I know!!!!  HARHARHARHARHAR.

Sigh.  I didn't even get a bad pun to use decades later out of the deal.  Pfft.  What a waste.

FINAL SCORE for Dire Straits
Zero stars.  Money for nothing and the... tickets were free.  Huh?  Huh?!?!?!

Kis kutya.  That's word two.  It means little dog.  Thanks Dad.  Sums it up, I think.

Coolio "Gangsta's Paradise"

*****Number One, September, 1995*****


Let's see, so far, the songs whose lyrics I've written about have covered:

• Sex (The Doors, unsurprisingly)
• Fame (Hole, appropriately)
• Sex (Peter Gabriel, weirdly)
• Jumping (Kris Kross, obviously)
• Partying (Ke$ha, crunkingly)

Won't someone think of the children!?!?!  I mean, besides the actual children.  

I'm not surprised in the least that four of the first five outputs from the NOPR are tunes concerning such "adult themes".  Just listen to the radio.  What station?  What time in history?  Any and any.  It doesn't matter where or when, the majority of what you hear will be about nookie and/or the tribulations/fun of being famous.  Especially on the religious stations.  Man, those people really pine for some hot deity action.

It's not complicated to understand why so many artists would write songs in this vein.  Not only is it a constant base of their life, but even us non-musical normies can grab hold of the point (phrasing) and comprehend what the rock, (no, not that Rock), is cooking.  The concept is universal.  

The execution however, typically, is downright silly.

Let's face it, there's a lot of high-grade cheese in the world of relations-related hits (lest I paste in more "Sledgehammer" dialogue to reinforce this statement).  It's not easy to create a verse that's both clever and tawdry.  And, most attempts to do so fail on a pretty entertaining level.  That's why I've had so much fun tearing apart the entries so far.  There's just such a mass of ridiculousness to chew on, especially if a person's empathy module is on the fritz (see, me).

Usually, the singer tries so hard to be earnest as the backing band hangs their most somber/serious masks on, hoping you'll be captured by the mood and swoon with your partner.  Mostly, though, I just think this.

Yes, yes it is

But, what happens when music stops being insipid, and starts getting real?  

I have to admit, I don't know.

Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" is not a stupid yarn about pink torpedoes and large bottoms (sadly).  Instead, it focuses on serious topics of gangs, death, and wasted youth.  The words in this tune are meant to hit hard, and it's an impressive feat to turn such topics into a massive hit.  This was truly an accomplishment for Coolio.  Oh, and that little known co-songwriter named Stevie Wonder.  Yeah, that guy probably deserves a kudo or two.

Thus, we have here an important song about an actual, troubling thing that seems to have been received pretty well.  Hmph.

I mean, I'm not trying to be a bummer here.  Congrats on the number one song and all, Captain Crazyhair.  However, there's something you clearly didn't consider.  My blog.

Won't someone think of the blog?!?!?!?!

Such musical reality puts me an ethical pickle, and now I've got to make a choice.  Should I nudge my little round reading glasses down to the end of my nose and give a thoughtful and fair review of this song?  Or, do I figure out a way to (metaphorically) pull down my pants and make my bloggy little fart noises all over this?  Hmm, what does my spirit animal say?

Dingers!  Dingers!

Yup.  I'm not going to rate these lyrics nor spend the remaining space on this week's entry relating my experience in the wilds of suburbia to the life described by Coolio.  I mean, that one time that my parents were almost thirty minutes late picking me up at the bowling alley was pretty traumatic.  But, I'm over it now.  Mostly.

Instead, let's approach the grading portion of this week's entry in a different manner.  A pugilistic one.  We're going to put Coolio's tune in the ring for a no holds barred, anything-goes fight.  This will be a battle...for paradise.  

I've discovered that there are 41 songs in the history of popular music with the word "paradise" in the title.  Of those, only 4 hit number one.  They are:

• Tony Bennett, "Stranger in Paradise", May 1955
• Amen Corner, "(If Paradise is) Half as Nice", December 1969
• Coolio, "Gangsta's Paradise", September 1995
• Colplay, "Paradise", July 2012

Wow, that is a remarkable, fight-inducing combination.  This is going to be a bloody, four-way contest to determine just what sort of paradise is truly the best.  Or, worst.  Or, whatever makes a paradise-connected song deserve to be number one.  Let's get ready to rumble!

"Living in a snazzy collared-shirt paradise" just doesn't have the same zazz

Here are the opening verses of each of the above songs, in order from Tony to Coldplay.  And...fight!

1. "Take my hand I'm a stranger in paradise / All lost in a wonderland a stranger in paradise / If I stand starry-eyed that's a danger in paradise / For mortals that stand beside an angel like you"
2. "They say paradise is up in the stars / But I needn't sigh because it's so far / 'Cause I know it's worth a heaven on earth / For me where you are."
3. "As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death / I take a look at my life and realize there's nothin left / Cause I've been blasting and laughing so long / That even my mama thinks that my mind is gone"
4. "When she was just a girl she expected the world / But if flew away from her reach / So she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of..."

And...stop.  Please.  Oy, well, let's see; Tony rhymes stranger with danger, which is always topical.  Amen Corner makes the incredibly unexpected connection between heaven and paradise.  Coolio is blunt and dark.  Coldplay makes me want to stab someone bluntly in the dark.

Right, so, moving along.  Let's try a chorus battle for round two.  Ding ding!

1. "But open your angel's arms to this stranger in paradise / And tell him that he need not be a stranger no more"
2. "If paradise is half as nice as heaven that you take me to / Who need paradise?  I'd rather have you."
3. "Been spending most their lives / living in the gangsta's paradise"
4. "Para-para-paradise"

Guhhhh, fight over.  That's it, I'm throwing in the towel.  Nobody wins this contest, least of all us.  Let's not go to paradise.  Sorry, I mean para-para-paradise.  It is an awful place filled with either hallmark greetings or spiritual gobbledygook or death and destruction or stuttering repetition.  Instead, do something else with your time.  Maybe learn to cook?

He's got a turntable in the stovetop!  I trust him completely.

Fantastic.  Let's hope we never have to step into paradise ever again.  Unless you consider this blog paradise, which if you do, uh, I'm sorry.

Ke$ha "Tik Tok"

*****Number One, January, 2010*****


Thus far in these weekly breakdowns, the intention to focus exclusively on each song's lyrics has proven to be a bit difficult.  There are a couple of reasons for this.

Firstly, I am somewhat-to-verywhat familiar with the quartet of tunes we've covered.  They've all spent time in my vicinity over the years, and have reached a certain level of comfort and staying power in my brain pan.  They're kind of like characters from a television show you've seen a thousand times.  You know them by sheer force of volume, and feel a kinship based on nothing of depth.

They're friends in the same way Friends are friends.  Allow me a moment to illustrate my point by linking the aforementioned hits to people on a show I barely remember; 

• "Jump" is like Phoebe.  She wore crazy clothes and jumped around, right?
• "Celebrity Skin" is...the lady who went on to the movies.  No the other one.  
• "Light My Fire" Sully.  Sully was a character, right?  Sully.  Sounds right.
• "Sledgehammer" is so uncomfortable to watch, it's totally Michael Scott.  

Sully?

Secondly, I've found it a challenge to separate extraneous information from the song itself.  Whether it be a video, a cultural moment, or a disturbing assortment of oddly placed bruises, these associations feel like mandatory bits of the review.  What's more, after four of these suckers, I've begun to accept that the inclusion of this additional sauce is a requirement of the blog-making process.  Using this stuff helps to gain a better grasp of the song.

However, what happens when there is no sauce?  No extra stuff?  How might I review a number one hit that I not only have no background with, but have never actually heard?

It might go, a little something, like this...

Yes, I'm old.  We really don't need to dwell on that.

Let's talk (er, tok) instead about a song I don't know in the slightest.  This is a scientific experiment which I am very excited to explore.  And, I'm going to undertake this in the way most reputable scientists suggest.  Utterly blindfolded.

Normally, ahead of crafting these reviews, I hit up the googles to remind myself just what the lyrics actually are.  It's as close to doing research as I get (unless you count placing a half-full glass of whiskey JUST SO on the side table as research, which if you do count that, hello friend!).  However, for this entry, there will be no advance work on the blog (aside from the boozy).  Rather than that, as I write the section below, I will be looking at the lyrics for this song for the very first time.

That's right, it's (sort of, kind of, not really, but let's just pretend this is) live-blogging!!!  Just like all those famous internet people.  Bring on the Kesha!  Er, Ke$ha.  Is that really her name?  Huh, ok, whatever, she has a number one song!  Apparently!  Here we go...

"Tik Tok"

(I will now, at this exact moment, go to a second tab, copy the initial stanza, and paste them in italics below followed by my initial reaction line by line.  Thrilling!!!)

• "Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy (Hey, what up girl?)"
• She uses parenthesis!  (I use parenthesis).  She knows what P Diddy feels like (I do not)
• "Grab my glasses, I"m out the door; I'm gonna hit this city (Let's go)"
• She wears glasses.  This must be vital to the rest of the song.  It also means she's likely quite smart (I already mentioned the parenthesis, right?)
• "Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack"
• O.....kay.  I use my Jack for drinking, but you know, dental care is important.  I am feeling less confident about the smartness, however.
• "Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back."
• I assume your roommate $tacy appreciates this info, now she won't leave the light on.  You should have reminded her to feed your cat, though.  

Whew, that was fun!  I'm intrigued by this plucky girl and her booksmart yet toothdumb ways.  Because this song looks a little wordy, let's review the second verse as a whole.  Feeling very positive here.

• "I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes / Trying on all our clothes, clothes / Boys blowing up our phones, phones / Drop-topping, playing our favorite CD's / Rollin' up to the parties / Trying to get a little bit tipsy"

This seems like a really busy night.  Sometimes, it's nice to just stay home with a book.  Oh, and if you're brushing your teeth with whiskey, you're likely more than a little tipsy.  Just saying.  Anyway, lets jump to the next verse.  Where are we going next?

• "Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer"
• I don't see how these two things are connected. 
• "Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here."
• Uh, those phrases have even less in common than the ones in the prior line.  Are you ok Ke$ha?
• "And now the dudes are lining up 'cause they hear we got swagger."
• Men do enjoy queueing up for lady swagger.  I can confirm this.
• "But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger."
• Full stop.  I know, Mick Jagger was a sex symbol for a long, long time.  And, it could very well be that you're referring to his appearance in those days from his prime.  But, he's like a mega-grandpa now.  No offense, but I'm surprised your friends agree on that level of looks for dude-to-curb kicking.

Hoo boy, I'm really getting a bit tired here my dear.  Let's just do one more set before we end this entry.  I've got plenty of beer too ya know!

• "I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk / Boys tried to touch my junk, junk / Gonna smack him if getting too drunk, drunk / Now, now, we goin' till they kick us out, out / Or the police shut us down, down / police shut us down, down / Po-po shut us"

I got to post the words "po-po" on my blog.  I couldn't be prouder.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Oh, wait, I remember this song now.  I have heard it before.  The Simpsons used it in an intro to one of their episodes.  Ok, scrap this entire blog post, it's a totally pointless lie.

Wait, how much have I written so far?  Oh.  

FINAL THOUGHTS (REVISED)

So, these lyrics are fun.  Silly, but seems like the type of tune that gets a party going.  Teenagers still probably blast it from their bedroom windows as they get crunked on La Croix and share Mick Jagger etchings.  Yeah, good times.  I'm fully supportive.  You're only young once.  And, someday, people will make fun of you for having a symbol in your name.  Not now, but soon.  Just enjoy it before it gets too late.

Ok, who am I kidding, the exclamation point still works!

Kris Kross "Jump"

*****Number One, April, 1992*****

Hmm, let's see, this song.  The subject matter is familiar.

We're jumping!  Are you talking about us?

Yes, er, no, sorry, wrong decade.

I'm jumping around!  Is that what you need?

Well, right year, but I'm looking for something not quite so irishy.

Perhaps we're the jump-meisters you're seeking?

That's the one!  Now we're cooking with jumpy gas.

Mention Kris Kross to folks of a certain age, and you may see a kernel of recognition.  Some might blurt out "kids who wore backwards clothes!"  Or, others possibly will shout "Sailing and Ride Like the Wind and that Dudley Moore movie theme!"  If it's the latter, then get that person out of the sun.  They are old and confused and likely in need of a lie down.

Unrelated, I'm back from my lie down.

Unlike yacht rock captain Christopher Cross, the artists performing today's tune are a couple of youngsters.  They made their mark in a musical style that old white men generally prefer to shake their fist in anger at rather than their belly in time to.  But there's room enough in this world for all sorts of jumping, as well as a wide array of Chrises, Krises, Crosses, and Krosses.

So, let's dig in to the Daddy Mac and the Mac Daddy's lyrics  This particular number one has a pretty high level of words-per-minute.  The dialogue comes out fast and is somewhat clever, which is a bit surprising considering these guys were barely teenagers at the time.  Perhaps they had some help crafting it.  I mean, there's nothing wrong with maybe one or two other co-writers, let's look at the songwriter credit...

Thirteen.  There are thirteen credited writers for this song.  Yikes.

Is that a values judgment?  Should it be?  I'm not sure if I should hold these words to a higher standard or not, based on the quantity of brainpower involved.  We're focusing on the lyrics in this blog.  In theory, they're placed in a vacuum to be assessed independently of anything else.  But, the artists involved in performing said song has an impact on how the words are perceived.  And, I have to feel that the writer(s) who create the words should also be considered in our rating process.

Plus, there's this t-shirt.

This would appear to be evidence

So, we will rate the following "Jump" lyrics from one to five stars.  A higher score is awarded if it was more likely to be written by a precocious child.  A lower total comes if it sounds like someone who could legally drive penned it.  Let's all gather round, bend our knees, and push off from the ground in an upwards motion!  Thirteen lines from thirteen authors, all for your jumping pleasure:

1. "We commence to make you, Jump Jump"
• Commence?  Clearly written by their accountant's father. Zero Stars
2. "I'll make ya bump bump wiggle and shake your rump"
• I'm guessing this is their Uncle Jay.  He says things like this, especially when he's drunk at Thanksgiving, and thinks it's very funny.  He's twenty-nine years old.  Two stars.
3. "A young lovable, huggable type of guy"
• Kris's mom.  One star.
4. "R&B, rappin' bullcrap is what I'm dumpin'"
• Their neighbor George.  He's a garbageman and loves sneaking in shop talk. One star.
5. "So when they ask, Do they rock? Say believe that"
• Someone who doesn't know what rocks.  Three stars.
6. "I love my stuff knockin' (Knockin)"
• Chaz.  He lives down the street and goes to their school.  The ladies like him.  Three stars.
7. "I love it when a girl is like jockin' (Jockin')"
• Chaz's friend Gary.  He thinks the ladies like him.  They do not.  Three stars.
8. "To the back you'll be fortin' again, is that coincidental?"
• Auntie Linda.  She's frequently confused.  One star.
9. "As you listen to my cool, smooth melody"
• The deejay at the local jazz station.  He wears sunglasses all the time and often smells of mothballs.  One star.
10. "Now, the formalities of this and that"
• And, of course, their lawyer gets a verse.  One star.
11. "Is that Kris Kross ain't comin' off whack."
• The manager.  It is vital Kris Kross DOES NOT come off whack.  Tell them  TELL THEM!  Two stars.
12. "Miggida miggida miggida mack"
• The third member of Kris Kross.  His name is Krass, and he really likes making sounds.  Big fan of the Police Academy guy.  Four stars.
13. "Believe dat."
• Yes, I believe a child wrote that.  Five stars.

FINAL SCORE - 27 stars
AVERAGE AGE - 27 years old

FINAL THOUGHTS
Did Kris Kross make you jump?  It's possible.  Is that enough?  Well, sure, for a pop song by a boy band, it might be worse.  They could have made you do all sorts of awful things, like mmm bopping for example (shudder).  For some songs, it's silly to expect too much.  If two young kids who like to wear backwards pants want to tell you to get up off your feet in a rhythmic fashion, then just shrug and accept it.  We've all done it.  We've all done way worse, when you think about it.

Don't think about it.

Peter Gabriel "Sledgehammer"

*****Number One, July, 1986*****


Going through puberty can be a confusing time.  Nearly everything you see, do, and consume causes a monumental internal hullabaloo.  Soda, violent video games, tandem bicycles, bookmarks, loose change, the Arby's hat, nougat, that one Olsen twin, and a pantry full of luridly named treats from Hostess (Ding Dongs, Suzy Q's, Snowballs!) all help forge manic days and sweet, sugary nights.  What's a kid to do?

Constantly watch television, that's what.

Unfortunately for children in the eighties, thanks to MTV, neither enlightenment nor escape occurred via the small screen.  Unsurprisingly, spending hours and hours focused on performers like Prince and Madonna failed to provide a road map to the hormone sanctuary.  Then, adding inanity to this insanity was the cadre of animated nonsense pushed ad-nauseum on viewers by the video channel.  Perfectly cromulent bands like A-ha, The Cars, and (uck) Dire Straits dreamt up 8-bit creations that become staples of ones formative years. 

Until that point in time, Saturday morning shows were innocent forms of entertainment for the younger set.  Cartoons and puppets and nice men in sweaters were supposed to be a world away from real life.  One afternoon, you're watching a rabbit and duck shoot each other in the face.  Harmless fun!  Then, you flip channels and see this.

So much to blame Phil Collins for.  So very much.

You grow up real fast.

One of the worst offenders of this group of never-ending eyeball pummelers was "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel.  It was, by some counts, the most played music video ever.

But, why does such a visual monstrosity matter on a site where we say the focus is on just a song's lyrics?  Well, this hit, in its entirety, is about Peter Gabriel trying to convince some lady to have sex with him.  That's it.  That's the whole song.  And it's not subtle.

The accompanying video, though, had absolutely nothing to do with the lyrics.  It was a cartoon.  A silly and weirdly animated piece of fluff, and it played on a near-constant loop for approximately all of my childhood.

The song and its deeply ingrained companion video are complete polar opposites in terms of tone and communication.  Adult words versus child-like wonder.   This blog is about assessing a song's text on its own, as much as is possible.  But, with how ubiquitous the visuals are, is it feasible to keep separation here?  And, besides that, just what the hell do I say about lines like the following:

"You could have a steam train / If you'd just lay down your tracks"
"You could have a bumper car, bumping / This amusement never ends"
"Show me round your fruit cakes / Cause I will be your honey bee"
"Open up your fruit cakes (!) / Where the fruit is as sweet as can be"
"Oh won't you show for me (!!) / I will show for you (!!!)"
"I've been feeding the rhythm / Going to feel that power, build in you"
"You down with OPP / You know me"
"All day and night, come on and help me do, come on and help me do"

Yeah, and I left out the chorus.  These are absurd, and I'm can only fathom that he wrote them in response to a wager.

"Hey Peter, ten quidaroos (or whatever they have over there) that you can't write a ridiculous song where nearly every line is a obvious reference to boinking."

"You're on mate!  Oh, and double-or-nothing that I can make it a hit!"

And then you look at the music video again.

Choo choo!  Hey kids, it's a train!

And this.

Oh look, we're having animation fun.  Ignore where my nose juts!

And this.

Yeah, I know, pink cotton candy on my head.  Just buy this record please!

And oh, so, so much more.

Clearly, he walked away a winner.  But what of the rest of us?

This song, on its own, is a farce and presumably meant to not be taken seriously.  Do you watch a Monty Python skit and get concerned about plot holes?  No, of course not.  You judge it on it's attempts to make you laugh.

I think I can surmise what this tune is attempting to make me do.  But...when you mix this song and its goofy video together, what is the goal then?

Make you laugh?
Make you horny?
Make you a distressed young man who thinks burlesque shows consist of two raw chickens dancing?

Bock bock

I...have no answer here.  Going through this number one single has left me thinking that, some things just exist, and we shouldn't look for any deeper meaning within them.  There will be no grading of this song and/or video, nor assessing any stars in review.  I...can't.  This is a path we shall not take.  Again.

Instead of judging, I'm picking this experience up, gently cupping it in my hands, carrying it to where the sand meets the sea, and softly releasing it back into nature.  We need to walk away, guys.  Just walk away.

Leave the sledgehammer behind.