*****Number One, July, 1982*****
I would like to present the following picture without context. Please review it.
Take an extra moment, if need be.
All done? No? Ok, I'll wait.
...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Now?...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Soooooooo................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I've got things to do ya know........... ................ .. ... .. . . ... .. .. Getting closer.. . . .................. ..................... ..... ............Done?
Right, done. Great.
Now, let's say, you were forced by someone (a blogger perchance) to assign names and occupations to each of these five remarkable men. Could you do it? Should you? Would you?
I think we know the one answer applicable to all three of those questions.
Yes, yes of course, for that's why I was put on this luminous planet.
From left to right:
- Vesty McHighpants
- Vesty works nights in an adult "playground" fulfilling the role of Human T-Rex. This little discussed but highly popular fetish requires he nuzzle patrons with his remarkable hair helmet before violently gnashing the nearest appendage with cigarette-stained teeth. Tips are deposited in vest pockets allowing his frighteningly short arms to grasp the shiny, sticky coins at the end of each shift.
- Favorite disaster: Floods
- Least Favorite Food: Corn on the Cob
- Lance the Lurker
- Quiet. Lance prefers to not say anything. He simply stares. At you. From a short distance away. Have you got a sizable potted plant in your house? You do? Well, Lance is probably lurking behind it right now. Don't look back! He likes it when people look back.
- Favorite thing: Looking at you.
- Least Favorite thing: Conditioner
- Leader
- He has no name. He cares not what you think. He does what he wants. Did you know that leather pants are typically extremely tight and very difficult to take off? The Leader does too, but he's going to wear suspenders anyway. Now THAT's a leader. The stony stare makes you immediately regret not slapping on your daughter's girl scout uniform hat. If you did, like our Leader did, only then would you approach the respect he so certainly deserves.
- Turn ons: Plain White T-Shorts
- Turn offs: Headwear that smells of Tagalongs
- Sporty Brice
- Guy power means ALWAYS being ready for soccer practice. While the outfit may seem playful, the wristbands let you know he means business. Dad time is serious time! Susan better not forget her shin guards on Thursday. If she does...
- Hates: Susan
- Loves: Susan (it's complicated)
- Uncle Bachelor
- "Hey kids, look at my jacket! It's called a zoomie. Or Zumiez. Or half-zebra. Whatever, I've got a date tonight Fran, the teller down at the Savings & Loan. She's not much to look at, but she's got it where it counts. And I'm gonna put it there! Ha ha ha. Yeah Troy, you're taller than me, so what? I don't care that you're only thirteen. Shut up Troy. Shut up!
- Likes: His trans-am
- Dislikes: That he's only five-foot-four
Now I see why Rocky wanted them to fight Clubber Lang instead of him. Survival.
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