EMF "Unbelievable"

*****Number One, July, 1991*****


This week, I had the honor and good fortune of going on the Single File Podcast and spending my two cents dispensing early nineties knowledge.  It's a subject I'm very qualified to have input on.  I mean, I was alive then, and nothing says expertise like simply being a conscious human being while a thing is happening.  Seems to be all it takes, if the comments section of every single Internet post ever is to be believed.

Anyway, Single File host Dillon and I chatted away about the fun surprise of an out-of-nowhere chart-topper, the rise of a new form of music, and ginger beer.  All in all, a good time was had by all (this includes you when you listen, thank you very much).

As prep for the podcast, we both did our due diligence by googling with abandon and reading up on whatever pieces of content floated to the top.  And, while these bits and bobs were sufficient to pack a 30+ minute conversation, there wasn't much left on the cutting room floor.  The upside of researching a one-hit wonder is that there's always a unique story.  The downside is that, sometimes, the tale doesn't have a lot of twists and turns.

Regarding EMF, we came to the conclusion that their rocket-ride to the summit was about as straight-lined a trip that one could ever expect.  It followed the three basic steps;

1. Friends in a small town got together to play music they liked.
2. After a little while, some random assortment of intentional and accidental factors combine into the perfect storm that takes their first release all the way to number one
3. The song fades, the band keeps playing for a few years, eventually returning to their prior level of fame

It's not a sad story, I think.  I presume they enjoyed the trip and picked up some excessively large checks along the way.  Just because you're not on top forever doesn't make it an unhappy ending.

And that's about it.  There's really nothing much else that can be said about this band or song.  

Oh, well, except for one thing, I guess.

CHEESE!

No, wait, not that kind of cheese.  Besides, we talked about that Vanilla fella last week.

(And, as an extra besides, I really don't know what the hell is going on in that picture.)

To clarify, during the pod discussion, we brought up the fact that EMF's lone hit has been used in a plethora of places since its release.  We've heard it in countless films, tv shows, and commercials.  Yet, the most memorable user of this song might have been the corporate behemoth Kraft.  In an amazingly brilliant conceit, they grabbed hold of this little ditty and turned it into gold.  Er, yellow gold.  Erm, um, I mean yellow cheese.  They released a product called Cheese Crumbles and converted this week's tune into a rallying cry that was, ahem...Crumbelievable!

That's right, you heard me.  Crumbelievable.

Well, what would you do if you were charged with marketing stale cubes of bland dairy product?  Yup, thought so.  You'd take some previously popular earworm and re-work it to appeal to the yawning maw of millions of unwashed masses.  Want the same old crap in a new shape?  Come on down!  Oh, and hand this check to the EMF boys along the way.

So what, you say?  That's capitalism, right?  Oh, it is, and that's just swell.  However, I have a problem here.  No, not with the use of this song to sell cheese.  Instead, I'm bothered by the fact that no other single-hitter-sourced topper from the year in question has been used in a similar manner.  That is something that needs to change.

Ahem.

The worst children's song ever

.

Right, so, 1991.  There were twenty-six songs (excluding EMF) that perched atop the Billboard charts during that particular year.

Of those, half were released by artists you've probably heard of.  Madonna, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Gloria Estefan, Paula Abdul, Bryan Adams, Michael Bolton, Michael Jackson, and Prince.  Wow, that is a murderers row of pop stardom, isn't it?  All these folks achieved ridiculous levels of fame and multiple platinum recordings.  Thus, they really don't need my support, financially.  Sorry folks, you shouldn't have tried so hard.

In addition, several other slightly less prolific musicians also scored more than just a solo number one in '91.  Among them, Wilson Phillips, Amy Grant, Roxette, and Color Me Badd (!?!) all hit the top multiple times.

This means we've...

Wait, Color Me Badd?!?!?!?!  Sorry, no, that's a screed for another day. 

This means, after excluding all of the above, we've got (re-checking my calculator) nine perfect marketing schemes to create and promote.  

Below is that list of artists with their corresponding number one smash.  Beneath each entry is a mega-million marketing ploy that will surely make them ten times wealthier than everyone on Shark Tank put together.  Especially that bald guy with the attitude.  Screw that guy!

Ok, I think I can do this.  Who's ready to buy some product?

January 26 - February 2 / Surface / "The First Time" 
-I don't remember this tune at all, but when the biggest name in computers creates a product named after your band, I think there's synergy to be had.  Actual line from this song is "The first time I looked into your eyes I cried."  That's sickeningly saccharine, unless of course you're referring to the new Microsoft Surface tablet.  The first time you look at its screen, you'll cry!

February 9-16 / C&C Music Factory / "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)" 
-So many options!  But, I'm going with pants.  Why?  Leslie Knope (wait for the end).  She understands how to re-purpose a song!

March 23 / Timmy T / "One More Try" 
-Let's take one of the wimpiest songs ever made and use it to sell what is perhaps the most violent sport out there.  I can see a bunch of beefy and bloody Aussie Rugby dudes singing this down at the local pub, cheering their side on to one more try.  Come on, you can't simply sing Down Under over and over.

April 13 / Londonbeat / "I've Been Thinking About You" 
-Has anyone tried to remake Scanners yet?  Cause this would be awesome to use in a teaser trailer.

May 18 / Hi-Five / "I Like The Way (The Kissing Game)" 
-Um, the next Justice League flick?

Who wants to start the kissing game?  Go team justice!

June 8 / Extreme / "More Than Words" 
-I feel that I must recuse myself from this one, given I was a huge fan of this band at the time (despite not really liking this song at all).  Instead, we'll just give a shout out to Weird Al.  He's always worthy of more press.

October 5 / Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch / "Good Vibrations" 
-Clearly, he doesn't have time for this.  Or anything else.  Golf in 30 minutes?  

November 2 / Karyn White / "Romantic" 
-Per Wikipedia, she lives in Rockin California, which is near my parents.  They have a favorite barbecue restaurant that's in Rocklin.  So, there you go.  Yes, I'm reaching at this point.

November 30 / P.M. Dawn / "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" 
-Remember, this song is basically Spandau Ballet's "True" with different lyrics.  So, we're promoting the ballet.  And, oh, what the heck, let's use it for Spandau as well.  Seems like a nice place to bliss out.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Wait, what was this week's entry about?  Oh yeah, EMF.  Hmm, how can I put a clever yet applicable bow on this never ending blog post.  Let's see...

I'm donebelievable.

Nailed it.