Poison "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

*****Number One, December, 1988*****


Well, lessee, should I treat this song seriously?

When a reaper in a sun hat sings your lyrics, you've really made it 

Hmm, guess not.  And, how could I, really?  Anyone who's heard this song knows that it oozed forth from the Play-Doh cheese mines into a perfectly formed chunk of overwrought inanity.  It is a total package of commercialism (for the 90's) and was without a doubt a record label's absolute ideal of what a power ballad should look like.  Every company in the business sought out the special kind of tune that could spread its ooze over onto as many platforms as possible.  That's how you make piles and piles of money, of course.  You need a hit that ticks all the boxes.

This rose is that white whale.

And the television and radio programmers of the day made sure to stick the smelly fish (it's a mammal) into our face at every possible opportunity.  Just pick a station and it was there.

• Rock? Well yeah, it's a metal band!
• Country?  Yeehaw!  He's wearing a hat, y'all!
• Pop?  Hear those heartfelt lyrics, it's about love!
• Adult Contemporary?  Uh, well, they sort of look like Michael Bolton!

It was relentless.  People kept propping this up as a good song instead of what it actually was, a charmless mockery of what music, especially acoustic music, can be.  They just pummeled us.  

You think there's no soul in today's music?  No talented bands performing from the heart?  Just listen to the ennui bursting forth from these lyrics.  These guys get it.  I mean, every cowboy really does sing a sad, sad song.  This is real life!  Plus, look at how earnest these men are. 

True, you don't get this disheveled unless you are in touch with your emotions.  Or, perhaps, drugs.

When the grocery store runs out of peroxide AND Coors Light

Ok, probably drugs.

Because, of course, we were also made to see the accompanying video half a kajillion times.  MTV anointed it our new god, so we prayed until the next savior was chosen.  It was a dark time.

Huh.

So, I just realized how much I don't like this song.  You likely figured that out, uh, a little bit earlier.

I'm somewhat surprised, in all honesty, about my reaction to "Every Rose".  The song is derpy, without a doubt, and really doesn't hold up at all.  But, it never agitated me to such an extent previously.

I wonder why.  We should figure out why.

If only there was some retro-smart super computer that can help us understand such phenomena.

Hey guys, the NOPR wants to know if my refrigerator is running?!

Prior to this week, twenty-five chart-toppers have been spat out by our friendly neighborhood hit machine.  The releases spanned a half-century of music and come from several different genres.  Some of them were staples of my youth (note to self, if I ever become a blues musician, choose name Youth Staples), while others had danced outside my regular listening zone.

What I'm curious about now is if/how researching and writing the weekly post has affected my opinion of each tune.  I'm going to break this down as simply as I can.  Below, the songs are split up into three outputs; Like it More now (>), Like it Less Now (<), or Pretty Much the Same (=).  The "Pretty Much" category also covers hits I hadn't heard until I did that week's post.

It's all about immediate reactions here.  I will scan the name of every past entry and paste their spot in line below.  Let's get computerized!

• >
• EMF, Men at Work, Coolio, 
• <
• Robert Palmer, Van Halen, The Beach Boys, Dire Straits, Peter Gabriel, The Doors
• =
• Montell Jordon, Vanilla Ice, Starship, Mark Ronson, The Chipmunks, Guns N Roses, Ricky Martin, The Bangles, A-ha, Outkast, Donovan, Robin Thicke, Wham, Ke$ha, Kris Kross, Hole

Curious.  Based on this, with each new release, there's about a 10% chance I'll like it more after digging in, and a 25% chance the dislike will grow.  And, more interestingly (at least to me), is the half-dozen names that I placed in the "less-than" section.  I don't think it would be too outside the realm of fairness to quantify them all under the same heading.

Middle of the road, mass-appeal songs by musicians who were massively famous.

Arena Rock, basically.

I'm certainly not intending to dismiss the overall talent of this group with these comments.  The Beach Boys, Van Halen, and Peter Gabriel have all released amazing and remarkable work.  But, for those specific number ones that we covered, meh.  That seems to be a common thread through theses tunes.  They've been overplayed because of the band's success, not the song's greatness.  Now, many years later, that becomes easier and easier to see.

Oh, and Poison?  Yeah, welcome to minus-land.

Barely apropos, Bob Stewart, owner of a -257 plus/minus, and a great salad.

So, what did we learn?

FINAL THOUGHTS
Does every rose really have a thorn?  I'm no botanist, but I can tell you that I really don't care.  This song, and this band overall, was essentially a one-hit wonder that overstayed their welcome.  They parlayed a basic structure and some elementary school-level concepts (every night has its dawn, ooh) into fame and STD's, both of which will insure itchy remembrances for years and years and years.

Poison's entire persona was built around the dire desire to be famous.  This was first, second, and third to them.  The music just happened to be a way into the party.  I don't be-grudge them this.  But, that doesn't mean we need to give them credit when none is due.  This tune is ready to be laid to rest and forgotten.  And, I'm certainly ready, willing, and able to be the one to place a single rose on the grave. 

And, yes, it will be thorny.  Trust me.