Well, this one oughta be, uh...something. Where on earth do we begin with this guy?
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| I'd rather hear Clint Howard rap, to be honest |
Right, so Vanilla Ice. Hooboy. If you're of a certain age, you definitely are familiar with him. He reigned supreme in the early nineties in a slew of crap-tacular ways. Annoying and derivative music? Check. Awful and insipid movies? Double check. Ridiculous and embarrasing fashion choices?
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| I'm gonna say check and mate. |
So, despite an immense and obvious lack of talent, how did he earn this opportunity to punish us all in so very many ways? Oh, right, he ripped off two of the most talented artists in rock history. This vanilla being grabbed hold of a classic tune by Queen and David Bowie and spread his low-grade dairy all over the base line. And then, as a bonus, he lied about it, claiming "Under Pressure" and his stinky ripoff were two different songs.
And yet, people still bought his music by the metric ton. Why?
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| Ah yes, that's the reason. Thanks for the reminder and good cheer, Mr Helmet. |
Depressing, no?
There is a lot more that be can hashed out about this fraud. However, I'm going to stop right here, as all of this has already been covered. Many, many times, the depth of this flunkie's ineptness has been plumbed and revealed. It doesn't really need to be spoken of again here on this blog, to be honest. Thus, instead, we're going to take a bit of a different path in our coverage of this week's number one hit. And, while we're at it, have a little fun with this turd.
A few weeks back, the equally popular if somewhat less grating "Livin' la Vida Loca" had been spat out by our beloved NOPR. In discussing that release, I had taken the song's lyrics through the international wood chipper that is Google translate. Ricky Martin's international sensation got flipped again and again and again in a sort-of linguists version of the telephone game. This resulted in something slightly less coherent (if more enthralling) than the original.
I mean, with all due respect to Ricky, THESE are lyrics;
Your lips are red red
And the color of the skin is the carpet
Wow, so intense!
This time, we're going to take a somewhat similar tract to discovery. Only instead of using languages that most folks would quantify as, say, "real", it's going to be a bit different. Mr Ice is finally going to get the lyrics attributed to him that he truly deserves.
Oh yes, this is about to get weird.
Very recently, I stumbled upon a site called Fun Translations. This clever distraction allows for use of their translator engine which works, much like most devices, to alter words from one language to another. But, the end result options are a tad unusual.
For example, here we have the less-than-stellar opening verse of "Ice Ice Baby"
Yo VIP, let's kick it!
A little weak sauce, right? So instead, let's see how it reads in the mighty tongue of Klingon!
Yo VIP, let's pup 'oh!
I don't know about you, but only now am I truly ready to pup 'oh. Shall we move forward?
Yes, yes we shall. And, because the result of this experiment may be the most important thing ever done ever, I'm presenting in its entirety this week's number one song. Please enjoy, and karaoke responsibly.
Verse 1 (in pirate)
Alright belay / collaborate and listen
Ice be back with me brand new invention
Somethin' grabs a hold o' me tightly
Then I flow that a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it e'er belay? / Yo, I dern't be knowin'
Turn off th' lights and I'll glow
To th' extreme, I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage, and wax a chump like a candle
Verse 2 (in Shakespeare)
Dance / Bum drive the speaker yond booms
I'm killin' they brain like a poisonous mushrump
Deadly, at which hour I playeth a dope melody
Aught less yond the most wondrous is a felony
Love't or leaveth't / thee better gain way
Thee better did hit bull's eye / the peat don't playeth
If't be true thither wast a problem / yo I'll solve't
Check out the hook while mine DJ revolves 't
Verse 3 (in Yodish)
Jumping with the bass kicked in, now the party is
Pumpin' quick to the point, the fingers are
Crazy when I hear a cymbal and a hi hat with a souped up tempo
I'm on a roll and it's time to solo rollin in my 5, to the point no faking
I'm cooking mc's like a pound of bacon burning them if they're not quick and nimble I go
The dark side I sense in you!
Herh herh herh herh! Hi did you stop,
O with my ragtop down so my hair can blow the girlies on standby waving just to say?
No, by kept pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I'm heading to the next block
That block was dead, I just drove
Verse 4 (in Jive)
Yo so's ah' continued t'a' Beachfront Ave / Girls wuz hot wearin' less dan bikinis
Rock dude lovers drivin' Lambo'ghini / 'cause I'm out gettin' mine
Shay wid some gauge and Vanilla wid som nine / Ready fo' de chumps on de wall
De chumps are actin' ill a'cuz der're so's full uh eight balls / Gunshots ranged out likes some bell
I grabbed mah' nine / All ah' hread wuz shells fallin' on de concrete real fast
Jumped in mah' car, slammed on de gas / Bumpa' t'bumpa' de avenue's packed
I'm tryin' t'get away befo'e da damn Buckwheaters Buckwheat Police on de scene
You's know whut ah' mean / Dey passed me waaay down, confronted all de dope fiends
If dere wuz some problem, yo I'll solve it / Check out da damn hook while mah' DJ revolves it
Verse 5 (in Valley Girl)
Take heed, man, 'cause I'm a lyrical poet / Miami's on thuh scene just in case you didn't know it
My town, like that created all thuh bass sound / Enough to shake and kick holes in thuh ground
'Cause my style's like a chemical spill / Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed / Like, ya know, this is a hell of a concept
Us guys make it hype and you wanna to step with like, ya know
This Shay plays on thuh fade, like slice it like a ninja
Cut like a razor blade so fast / Other DJ's say, like, wow, damn
If my rhyme was ya know, like, a drug, I'd seel it by thuh gram
Keep my composure when it's time to get loose / Magnetized by thuh mic while I kick my juice
If like, there was a problem / Yo, man I'll solve it
Oh wow!
Check out thuh hook while my DJ revolves it.
Chorus (in Groot)
I am Groot
I am Groot
I am Groot
I am Groot
FINAL THOUGHTS
Yo man, let's get out of here.
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| Word to your mother. Er, raccoon |
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