Thus far in Season 2 of my breakdown, er, The Breakdown, we've taken a look at five different number one songs. Each top hit was chosen completely at random using a date generator site called, unsurprisingly, Random.org. To use it, I simply enter two dates, and it spits out a single day from somewhere between them. That resulting spot on the calendar is then cross-referenced with the Billboard charts, which ultimately tells me which top track in music history I'll be writing about that week.
It's kind of fun and exciting to see the reveal. However, as I've now found out after a quintet of posts, it's also a little...frustrating.
The window of time I give the machine is fairly large, more than six decades. That's because I want to include every number one of the modern chart era. The "Hot 100" began all the way back in August of 1958. So, if a tune made it to the top, it deserves a chance to be chosen whether or not I've heard it, or even heard of it. That's part of the charm for me, and I'm sure it's also a delight for the many ones of readers who intentionally click on this site.
For the people accidentally ending up on my blog because you asked the googles to find singles in your area who may have broken down, I'm truly sorry. Though there is only a solo me, this breakdown is in your soul, not your car. Keep looking for individuals, and whatever Billy Ocean tells you to do, please don't do it.
I hope that helps.
It likely doesn't.
Anyway, I don't really know how the randomizer algorithm works, though I assumed the dates received would be fairly spread out. But, to this point in using it, here are the years I've gotten (in order):
- 1973
- 1969
- 1982
- 1978
- 1972
This feels very, I don't know, bunchy. There are almost sixty-two years to choose from, and this first group of results covers a period of time equal to barely a quarter of that. Why? That feels almost pre-ordained, like perhaps the stupid technology is setup to pick something close to the middle of the date range rather than a day near either end of the spectrum. Perhaps it's because time is a flat circle.
That's a relevant pop culture thingy, right? That phrase from that show that I never watched? The one with Woody from Cheers but without dragons? Right? Sounds right. I've got a gift for being on fleek with my groovy language. So I've been LOL'd.
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| I know, I look young for my age |
Regardless, I'm feeling less willing to allow the (maybe) random whims of some internet doo-floppy to select the weekly material. Some human interaction seems necessary to even things out.
And to avoid any more disco ever again, of course.
Fortunately, the selection site does allow for multiple dates to be spat out at a time. So, rather than getting a single mandatory day from which to draw a line to given song, I've got a full five to connect. That way, I'm not forced to dwell solely within a dictated generation, and we can keep things a bit more varied. See, robots and humans can work together! I'm sure this will all lead to a better world.
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| Um, that's a bad touch, Edward. |
Now, without further ado (cause there's been too much ado in this space already), let's look at this week's five options. Here is what the machinery dispensed. Let's take a gander at these beauties, and evaluate their potential.
*November 12, 2014*
Meghan Trainor "All About That Bass"
Do I know it? Yup. It's about that bass. All of it.
Claim to Fame? Per Wikipedia, and I quote, "This song was noted for discussing booty as part of physical attractiveness." Ah, so, this is the one.
Should I select it? Unofficially, she uses the phrase "'bout that bass" thirty three times in this song. I counted. What can I possibly add to that? Nothing. So, pass.
*November 3, 1993*
Mariah Carey "Dreamlover"
Do I know it? Sheesh, everyone knows it.
Claim to Fame? Mariah Carey. That's it. She's famous for being herself. Spooky.
Should I select it? She's already kinda popular. Do people really like to read about celebrities?
*February 12, 1992*
Right Said Fred "I'm Too Sexy"
Do I know it? To paraphrase Sideshow Cecil, "Goodness I had no idea. For, you see, I had been on Mars. In a cave with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears."
Claim to Fame? They're too sexy. But, you knew that already, didn't you?
Should I select it? 100,466,000 people watched the most recent Super Bowl, and nobody blogged about that, right? Oh. Well, still, I'm passing on this tune. Re-living it would be like test driving a Toyota Corolla. It's been done a zillion times, why bother.
*January 20, 1974*
Al Wilson "Show and Tell"
Do I know it? Doesn't ring any bells.
Claim to Fame? Oof, well, it was played on Letterman whenever he did a segment called Show and Tell. Thanks Paul, that's very clever.
Should I select it? On the 1974 charts, it hit number one immediately after The Steve Miller Band's "The Joker" and right before Ringo Starr's "You're Sixteen." I feel like the Randomizer is trying to sneak this one in here. Bad computer, bad!
*October 28, 1963*
Jimmy Gilmer and the Fireballs "Sugar Shack"
Do I know it? Nope, not by name. But, what a name!
Claim to fame? Suprisingly, at least to me, there is one. It seems this hit has been used in films like Mermaids, Forrest Gump, and Congo. WOW! I've seen all three of those flicks, and I've gotta say two of them were among the worst movies I've ever suffered through in my life. And, I ain't throwing stones at the Cher/Winona/Christina troika there. Seriously, I hate that Gump nonsense with every fiber of my being. With all due respect Mr Hanks, take your damn chocolates and shove 'em!
Should I select it? Well, you already know that I did, based on the title of this post. So...
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| Everything's coming up Canada! |
Firstly, no, we're not talking about those charming cottages (like the one pictured above) scattered throughout the northeastern provinces that will sell you syrup and syrup-related delights.
Nor are we talking about The Sugar Shack Gentleman's Club (not pictured here, cause you know why) which lies within the scattered nothingness of Salem Oregon that will sell you slightly less syrup but excessive syrup-related delights.
It's best not to think about that.
What we are discussing is, quite impressively, the number one song in all of 1963. This tune carried the throne at a time when popular music was just starting to get more diverse. Surf rock pioneers Jan and Dean had a top hit that year, as did a new artist with the peculiar name of Little Stevie Wonder. Not sure what happened to that guy. I...wonder.
Hold for laugh.
Still holding.
Along with some new blood, however, there were still an awful lot of crooning white dudes gumming up the radio works. It was very much the style of the time to grease up the hair of some safe looking pasty fellows, stick them in formal duds, and send them out to try and harmonize their way to a girl's heart. This was a time when ladies wore approximately seventeen layers of undergarments, so getting to her heart was harder than you think.
Most of these releases were moderately catchy, fairly cheesy, and likely to contain at least one double-entendre that you needed a headlamp and a pickaxe to uncover. Usually they were also worded pretty simply and ran very short (this tune clocks in at a whopping 2:06). So, let's look at the lyrics for this classic number one. There are essentially three parts:
Stanza 1
There's a crazy little shack beyond the tracks
And everybody calls it the sugar shack
Well, is just a coffeehouse and its made of wood
Espresso coffee tastes mighty good
That's not the reason why I've got to get back
To that sugar shack, whoa baby
To that sugar shack
I don't want to judge too harshly, but spending four lines to tell me about the features of a place, only to say "never mind, none of that matters" in the fifth feels a bit of a cheat. It's like when you read the praise on the back cover of a book, and realize all those compliments are about the author's prior book, not the one you're holding. Excuse me, how does that help anything?
Stanza 2
There's this cute little girlie, she's a-working there
A black leotard and her feet are bare
I'm gonna drink a lot of coffee, spend a little cash
Make that girl love me when I put on some trash
You can understand why I've got to get back
To that sugar shack, whoa baby
To that sugar shack, yeah honey
To that sugar shack,whoa yes
To that sugar shack
It should be noted that one of the three credited songwriters for this tune is Fay Voss. Per Wikipedia, she got that credit after she was asked by her nephew "what those tight pants that girls wear" are, and she replied "leotards." That's it. That's all she did. So, remember, anytime anyone asks you anything, give them an answer! You might get credit for writing a number one song!
Stanza 3
Now that sugar shack queen is a-married to me, yeah yeah
We just sit around and dream of those old memories
Ah, but one of these days I'm gonna lay down tracks
In the direction of that sugar shack
Just me and her yes we're gonna go back
To that sugar shack
He wants to have a three-way with coffee? Hmm, ok. What can I say, it was a different time.
Well, anyway, there you have it. We forced the machine to give us something new, and in doing so, pulled the oldest number one I'd heard so far. Is it a good song? Eh, listen for yourself. I can't say it'll be on my next mixtape, but it's very much of its age, and also sort of fun. Perhaps you'll hear it in the next utterly awful flick you see. So, listen now, and that way you can walk out of the theater knowing you won't miss a single thing.
This blog is nothing if not helpful.
Ok, it's pretty much nothing. 'Nuff said.
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