You Can Call Me Al/Maybe

Telephones.  Have you heard of them?  I'm a little fuzzy on the concept, myself.  I've think that they're used to "prank" so called "jerkys"?  Oh, and to ask people if their refrigerator is running.  So, really, the basic tenants of a civilized society.  Seems sufficiently valuable to keep them around, at least until the next communication device becomes popular.  I don't know what that might be, perhaps a mechanized onion that can recalibrate its scent molecules into voice commands?  I hope that's not it.  I don't like onions. 

Stupid oniony future.

Anyway, thank goodness we have telephones. With them, we can all live a life in the lap of luxury!

#InnerEarSelfie

There is an unfortunate byproduct of such technology, sadly.  That is, people will occasionally use their phones to call me.  Me!  Can you imagine?!?!  The temerity.  If I wanted to chat with people, I'd be a game show host.  I don't have time for such nonsense.  Please don't dial my number, I won't answer.  In fact, I ask that you never, ever dial any of the nine digits assigned to my existence.  Not in the correct order, not in any order.  Really, I'm not joking.  If someone even uses a nine, I'll find out and be furious.

However, if you feel it vital to have a word, there is one way we can make this work.  You just have to tell me to initiate the ringing.  That's right.  Don't expect me to pick up the receiver when you beckon, but I will acquiesce if you suggest I start the process.  That's totes cool.

Speaking of:

Actual footage of youth trying to use phone booths.  Kids are dumb.

*****Carly Rae Jepsen "Call Me Maybe"*****

Does Carly Rae wants us to give her a jingle?  Or is she insisting we simply call her by a different name?  While we all have learned from Arrested Development that Maeby is a perfectly fine moniker, it might not be one you want to go with unless you've got eyes for your cousin.  Or he's got eyes for you.  Or for your dragons.  No, wait, that was a different show which had "family time."  I get them confused because each show had obsessively passionate fans who thought theirs the best show ever until it turned into the worst show ever that deserved nothing but scorn when it didn't end in a way that they personally expected.  Serves those shows right.  Stupid free entertainment.

So, okay, back to Ms Jepsen.  I don't know for sure what her intentions are.  Perhaps we need to assess the non-call-specific lyrics of her address to see what she's trying to accomplish.  I have no idea what any of the words of this song are outside of that confusing chorus, so there could be a bit of clarity there.  It is probably best if we learn the opening together, line by line, with my immediate thoughts pasted in a non-italicized fashion afterwords.  That is always the most sensible method, from what I've been told (in person).

Stanza 1

• "I threw a wish in the well" 
• Oh, ok, well, that seems wasteful
• "Don't ask me I'll never tell"
• I don't need to ask you, because you just told me.  I don't think you know how questions work.
• "I looked to you as it fell"
• Why, what did I do?
• "And now you're in my way
• Sheesh, your pushy!
• "I'd trade my soul for a wish"
• Well, neither of those exists, so that's a fair trade I'd say
• "Pennies and dimes for a kiss"
• I've made that offer before, and trust me lady, no sale.
• "I wasn't looking for this"
• What else weren't you looking for?  Pretty much everything?  Yup.
• "But now you're in my way"
• You are the rudest Canadian I've ever met!

So, apparently, there's no sense in attempting to communicate with this Jepsen person.  She seems completely fixated on other matters at the moment and provides no information as to why she'd want to hear from me.  Also, apparently I'm in her way all the time.  Oy, guess it best I just steer clear. 

Instead of obstructing a Canuck, let's see if I should call an older fella.

Thank you Art, it WAS running.  How did you know?

*****Paul Simon "You Can Call Me Al"*****

Mr Simon has so many hits, I can't name any of them.  Was this a hit?  I don't know.  Should I call him?  We'll see.  Let's skip my typically nonsensical preamble and go directly to the consonants and whatnot;

Stanza 1

• "A man walks down the street"
• Oh, I think I've heard this joke
• "He says, "Why am I soft in the middle, now?  Why am I soft in the middle?"
• I dunno, is he the Pillbury Doughboy with a complex?
• "The rest of my life is so hard"
• Hmm, this is getting serious.  Are you ok?  Maybe I will call you.
• "I need a photo opportunity.  I want a shot at redemption"
• Sure, don't we all.  I'll start dialing.
• "Don't want to end up a cartoon.  In a cartoon graveyard"
• Wait, I was dialing and heard you mention cartoon graveyards.  What was that?
• "Bonedigger, bonedigger.  Dogs in the moonlight."
• Uh, I stopped dialing.
• "Far away in my well-lit door.  Mr Beerbelly, Beerbelly, Get these mutts away from me."
• This pup problem sounds pretty severe.  I don't think I wanna hangout.  And, for the record, I don't drink THAT much beer.
• "You know, I don't find this stuff amusing anymore"
• Same.  I need a beer.

So, who's calling whom?  I really have no clue, there's nothing in the above that even mentions what his intention is.  Why are all of these singers trying so hard to obfuscate the meaning behind their catchiest refrains?  This seems very suspicious.  I'm starting to think that having a number one single gets you more than fame, brown M&M's, and top notch helper monkeys.  It might also mean that you're brought into a secret room to learn about the next technology the world will embrace. 

Paul and Carly Rae, why have you forsaken the rest of us?  Can't you please tell us, for the sake of all communicating creatures, large and small (except raccoons, screw them), just what does the future have in store for us?!?!??!!

Oh, that, of course, I knew that was going to happen.  Seriously.  I don't want to say I called it.

So I won't.