Coolio "Gangsta's Paradise"

*****Number One, September, 1995*****


Let's see, so far, the songs whose lyrics I've written about have covered:

• Sex (The Doors, unsurprisingly)
• Fame (Hole, appropriately)
• Sex (Peter Gabriel, weirdly)
• Jumping (Kris Kross, obviously)
• Partying (Ke$ha, crunkingly)

Won't someone think of the children!?!?!  I mean, besides the actual children.  

I'm not surprised in the least that four of the first five outputs from the NOPR are tunes concerning such "adult themes".  Just listen to the radio.  What station?  What time in history?  Any and any.  It doesn't matter where or when, the majority of what you hear will be about nookie and/or the tribulations/fun of being famous.  Especially on the religious stations.  Man, those people really pine for some hot deity action.

It's not complicated to understand why so many artists would write songs in this vein.  Not only is it a constant base of their life, but even us non-musical normies can grab hold of the point (phrasing) and comprehend what the rock, (no, not that Rock), is cooking.  The concept is universal.  

The execution however, typically, is downright silly.

Let's face it, there's a lot of high-grade cheese in the world of relations-related hits (lest I paste in more "Sledgehammer" dialogue to reinforce this statement).  It's not easy to create a verse that's both clever and tawdry.  And, most attempts to do so fail on a pretty entertaining level.  That's why I've had so much fun tearing apart the entries so far.  There's just such a mass of ridiculousness to chew on, especially if a person's empathy module is on the fritz (see, me).

Usually, the singer tries so hard to be earnest as the backing band hangs their most somber/serious masks on, hoping you'll be captured by the mood and swoon with your partner.  Mostly, though, I just think this.

Yes, yes it is

But, what happens when music stops being insipid, and starts getting real?  

I have to admit, I don't know.

Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" is not a stupid yarn about pink torpedoes and large bottoms (sadly).  Instead, it focuses on serious topics of gangs, death, and wasted youth.  The words in this tune are meant to hit hard, and it's an impressive feat to turn such topics into a massive hit.  This was truly an accomplishment for Coolio.  Oh, and that little known co-songwriter named Stevie Wonder.  Yeah, that guy probably deserves a kudo or two.

Thus, we have here an important song about an actual, troubling thing that seems to have been received pretty well.  Hmph.

I mean, I'm not trying to be a bummer here.  Congrats on the number one song and all, Captain Crazyhair.  However, there's something you clearly didn't consider.  My blog.

Won't someone think of the blog?!?!?!?!

Such musical reality puts me an ethical pickle, and now I've got to make a choice.  Should I nudge my little round reading glasses down to the end of my nose and give a thoughtful and fair review of this song?  Or, do I figure out a way to (metaphorically) pull down my pants and make my bloggy little fart noises all over this?  Hmm, what does my spirit animal say?

Dingers!  Dingers!

Yup.  I'm not going to rate these lyrics nor spend the remaining space on this week's entry relating my experience in the wilds of suburbia to the life described by Coolio.  I mean, that one time that my parents were almost thirty minutes late picking me up at the bowling alley was pretty traumatic.  But, I'm over it now.  Mostly.

Instead, let's approach the grading portion of this week's entry in a different manner.  A pugilistic one.  We're going to put Coolio's tune in the ring for a no holds barred, anything-goes fight.  This will be a battle...for paradise.  

I've discovered that there are 41 songs in the history of popular music with the word "paradise" in the title.  Of those, only 4 hit number one.  They are:

• Tony Bennett, "Stranger in Paradise", May 1955
• Amen Corner, "(If Paradise is) Half as Nice", December 1969
• Coolio, "Gangsta's Paradise", September 1995
• Colplay, "Paradise", July 2012

Wow, that is a remarkable, fight-inducing combination.  This is going to be a bloody, four-way contest to determine just what sort of paradise is truly the best.  Or, worst.  Or, whatever makes a paradise-connected song deserve to be number one.  Let's get ready to rumble!

"Living in a snazzy collared-shirt paradise" just doesn't have the same zazz

Here are the opening verses of each of the above songs, in order from Tony to Coldplay.  And...fight!

1. "Take my hand I'm a stranger in paradise / All lost in a wonderland a stranger in paradise / If I stand starry-eyed that's a danger in paradise / For mortals that stand beside an angel like you"
2. "They say paradise is up in the stars / But I needn't sigh because it's so far / 'Cause I know it's worth a heaven on earth / For me where you are."
3. "As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death / I take a look at my life and realize there's nothin left / Cause I've been blasting and laughing so long / That even my mama thinks that my mind is gone"
4. "When she was just a girl she expected the world / But if flew away from her reach / So she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of..."

And...stop.  Please.  Oy, well, let's see; Tony rhymes stranger with danger, which is always topical.  Amen Corner makes the incredibly unexpected connection between heaven and paradise.  Coolio is blunt and dark.  Coldplay makes me want to stab someone bluntly in the dark.

Right, so, moving along.  Let's try a chorus battle for round two.  Ding ding!

1. "But open your angel's arms to this stranger in paradise / And tell him that he need not be a stranger no more"
2. "If paradise is half as nice as heaven that you take me to / Who need paradise?  I'd rather have you."
3. "Been spending most their lives / living in the gangsta's paradise"
4. "Para-para-paradise"

Guhhhh, fight over.  That's it, I'm throwing in the towel.  Nobody wins this contest, least of all us.  Let's not go to paradise.  Sorry, I mean para-para-paradise.  It is an awful place filled with either hallmark greetings or spiritual gobbledygook or death and destruction or stuttering repetition.  Instead, do something else with your time.  Maybe learn to cook?

He's got a turntable in the stovetop!  I trust him completely.

Fantastic.  Let's hope we never have to step into paradise ever again.  Unless you consider this blog paradise, which if you do, uh, I'm sorry.