Starship "We Built This City"

*****Number One, November, 1985*****


Generally, in writing up these musical dealies, I feel the need to establish some sort of intent at the start of the post.  Call it a preamble, an intro, or perhaps a warning.  Whatever it is, typically I'm inclined to gently welcome the reader to the week's subject matter so that they don't feel a shock upon tasting the oddly flavored soup-mix that is blogger brain and chart-topping smash.  The first paragraph is supposed to be like a fresh loaf of bread that envelopes a person with yeasty warmth.  I want you to feel safe and comfortable before we press firmly on the weird pedal and go down some unknown and bumpy trail.

But not this time, friends.  Sorry, today is a different sort of entry.  So, instead, we're stepping right back in the mess (sticktap to Maz Kanata).

Right.

Wait, who?

Exactly

The first step for most of my research is usually done on a little-known website called Google.  Not many people have heard of it, but I recommend it.  They're up and comers, I tell ya.  Watch out Alta Vista!

Anyway, when I type the NOPR's choice for the week into that search machine, I tend to get a pretty expected list of results.  Stories about the song's creation and the accompanying video are usually near the top.  Occasionally, you'll also see a band history entry, or maybe a minor controversy that erupted over some untoward lyric.  Interesting stuff, but normally nothing too remarkable immediately appears.  This time, however, the Goog spat out links that displayed quite an unusual and specific theme.

From the very first page of my search:
#2 - An oral history of "We Built This City", the worst song of all time
#4 - The making of one of music's most hated songs
#5 - Starship's "We Built This City":  Really the worst?
#6 - How "We Built This City" became the worst song ever

So, yeah, this is different.

But, before we think of getting into all of that and allowing these other online peoples to color our view of this tune, let's consider something further.  That is, just how friggin popular it is.

Searching this song on Amazon music, it comes up as available on 279 albums.  2-7-9!  That many times, some person decided they really needed to use a version of this hit to fill out their release.  There are all these compilations, covers, remixes, re-issues, and other assorted collections containing what Starship wrought.

And, keeping with today's off-kilter review, this listing of created recordings are all over the map.  This song was included in movies (such as The Muppets and Rock of Ages), television shows (Stranger Things, Glee, Skins), and even a video game (Grand Theft Auto V).  It also has been featured on records with themes that, well...let's just look at a small fraction of these titles.

• 35 Jock Jams "Stadium Anthems"
• Mullet Rock Anthems!
• Beer Drinking Music
• Top Party Anthems
• Ultimate Stag Party Playlist
• So, yeah, it's a rockin' song!  
• Classic Soft Rock "30 Essential Rock Ballads"
• Oh, wait, it's a ballad?
• I Love Running
• Fitness at Home
• Er, sorry, it's for exercise.
• White House Shakedown "Presidents Day Musical Celebration"
• And holidays?
• Best Hits for Paddleball
• HUH?!?!?!
• Live at Stanley Cup
• Because, sure, why not.  And, lest you think I mistyped the above, I did not.  As you can see below, the title is not Live at the Stanley Cup.  Nope, this soundtrack is all about brevity.  And speaking like a Russian immigrant, I guess.

Next we go in car to party wearing yankee blue jean

Thus, "We Built This City" is remarkably awful yet incredibly popular at the same time.  Now I'm totally confused.  Forget it internets, you just can't be trusted.  I'll dive in on my own.

How 'bout a lyric?  That'll help me figure this out.
"Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don't you remember"

I, uh, hmm, um, hoo boy, oh look, the internet raised its hand again!  The lead singer?  Great, he'll get us on the right track.

Mickey Thomas
"When the song went to number one, I said to Bernie Taupin (Elton John's longtime collaborator and this song's writer) more than ever, people are gonna ask what Marconi plays the Mamba means.  He said, I've got no fucking idea, mate.  Bernie didn't say mambo, he said mamba, which is a snake.  Marconi created the radio.  Maybe it means, if you don't like this music, some really angry snakes are going to come out of the speakers.  At one point, I did start to sing mambo to try and be more grammatically correct. After a while I said fuck it and went back to mamba."

So, there's that.

FINAL THOUGHTS
This is the part of the entry where I'm really supposed to think (hence the heading, Final THOUGHTS).  However, I confess, my mind does not know what to make of this song.  There are already too many opinions about it, and I just can't nail down one original consideration.  I'm utterly flustered.  Just gonna have to go my own way.

FINAL THOUGHTS ON THE BAND NAME
Starship is a stupid band name.

Nailed it. 

Now who's for some paddleball!

Soundtrack sold separately

Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars "Uptown Funk!"

*****Number One, January, 2015 *****


"Hey, I know that song!"
"Do you?"
"Yes!"  
"Do you really?"
"Yes?"
"You don't sound sure"  
"I thought I did, but now I'm not certain.  It sounds familiar."
"Lots of things sound familiar.  Like Yahoo Serious"
"Yes, that does sound familiar too."
"See?"  
"You're right, I really don't know this song."

"But maybe you do?"

The above transcript brought to you by the voices in my head.  This blog makes much more sense now, doesn't it?

Right, so, anyway, where are we heading this week?  Oh yeah, let's go uptown.

This is why I never became a mechanic.

Ok, I know the above is from a different part of uptown.  We're not visiting that neighborhood this week, which is where Billy Joel's girl lives.  Instead, I'm off to find the funk. 

Sorry, funk!  This entry's title has an exclamation point, so you know this tune must be extremely exciting.  And I feel it!  I'm ready, and might just end every sentence from here on out with an exclamation point!  Or two!!

Guh, never mind, I'm already exhausted from all that commotion.  Let's keep our punctuation at an even keel from here on out instead.  I'm too old to go exclaiming all over the place.  Leave that flashy syntax to funk-bringers and wrench-singers, just like my junior high English teacher always advised.

At any rate, let's talk about this song.  UpTown Funk was a massive hit, topping the charts for an incredible fourteen weeks.  Any tune that stays in the public's eye that long must be known by pretty much everyone. 

Stands to reason that a song that pops up for one week can reach the top on the backs of the folks who really like that style of music.  If all those people buy the song over such a short time period, it will push it to the summit.  But, anyone not a fan of that style likely won't be pulled in, and the song will crash in popularity after it peaks.

But when you're undefeated for over three months?  Yeah, pretty much everyone's heard of it.  Which begs the question;

Even me?

The answer to that is essentially unknown at this moment.  As illustrated at the top of this post, I'm just not sure if I know this number or not.  I feel like I should, and probably do, but I can't summon it from my brainage.  Surely, there must at least be some parts I've heard. 

But, is that enough?  How many parts of a song must you be familiar with to consider it a song you know?  I don't know what that rule is.

So, let's find out how much I really know about this song, and what that much even means.

You know what's funky?  Reading the newspaper.  Holla.

Right, so, bear with me here.  So far, I've twice attempted to "live blog" the lyrics of previously unknown (to me) tunes.  That experience ranged from Crunky to Super-Junkie.  This entry will be reviewed similarly, but not exactly the same. 

Like the prior times, I will pull the meatiest stanzas of words from this hit out of the interwebs and paste them below, section-by-section.  However, in this case I'll be adding a value to each grouping signifying whether or not I've heard it before.  When I'm finished, we'll have a score of my funky knowledge.  Then, at the end, we can assess what that total means regarding the overall concept of knowing a song.

Ready?  My brain is.  Well, that's what it's telling me.  For now. 

UpTown Funk!
Verse One
This hit, that ice cold / Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold
This one for them hood girls / Them good girls, them masterpieces
Stylin', wilin', livin' it up in the city
Got chucks on with Saint Laurent / Got kiss myself, I'm so pretty

Sooooo, I'm off to poor start here.  None of this rings a bell.  Not Michelle Pfeiffer, not hood girls, not good girls, not Saint Laurent.  I know what chucks are, so that's something, but doesn't really count towards tune smarts.  Surprisingly, "Got kiss myself I'm so pretty" was going to be my high school yearbook quote.  Sadly, I went with "Free Tibet" instead.  What a waste. 
IQ SCORE - ZERO

Verse Two
Stop, wait a minute / Fill my cup, put some liquor in it
Take a sip, sign a check / Julio, get the stretch
Ride to Harlem, Hollywood, Jackson Mississippi
If we show up, we gon' show out / Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy

This, this is not going well.  I really thought I'd recall at least a portion of the song so far.  But, nada.  Although, maybe at one time I did know some of it, but got pissed off when they reference smooth peanut butter.  I'm a chunky man myself.  Can't believe they'd risk alienating listeners with such divisive rhetoric.  This is the way nation's fall.
IQ SCORE - ZERO

Chorus One
I'm too hot (hot damn) / Called a police and a fireman
I'm too hot (hot damn) / Make a dragon wanna retire man
I'm too hot (hot damn) / Say my name you know who I am
I'm too hot (hot damn) / Am I bad 'bout that money, break it down

Sigh, the shutout continues.  And, I must take issue with rhyming "damn" and "fireman".  No one pronounces it like Fire and Man.  And, you called a police?  What are you, a toddler?  I suggest replacing this phrase with something that makes a tad more sense.  How about;
I'm too hot (hot damn) / Got saved by a Spiderman
Boom, music.  You're welcome.
IQ SCORE - ZERO

Chorus Two
Girls hit your hallelujah / whoo (3x)
'Cause uptown funk gon' give it to you (3x)
Saturday night and we in the spot
Don't believe me just watch

Wait...wait!

Thanks Janine

FINAL THOUGHTS
I actually believed, before going through those lyrics, that I would have picked up at least half of them.  It really seemed like the most probable outcome for such a long-lasting, worldwide smash.  Instead, out of a whole swath of ridiculous lines, I know exactly one.  And, it's not even the title of the song!  Man, clearly, I'm more of a downtown funk-type person.  Huh, live and learn.

In then end, there's no way to tilt the percentages to propose that I know this hit at all.  If things were a bit more even, it might have been an interesting debate about when a person truly considers something as known.  Maybe sometime in the near-future, the NOPR will spit out a result that allows for that kind of discussion.  For now though, my brain has moved on to other topics. 

Dragon's retire?  They do?  Are you sure?

David Seville and The Chipmunks "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)"

*****Number One, December, 1958*****


It's the holidays!  I sincerely hope that you don't have to spend them, um, solo.

Meeting the in laws is always uncomfortable.  And itchy.

That stupendous image above is from a trainwreck of trainwrecks, the monumentally bad Star Wars Christmas Special.  It is considered the benchmark for embarrassment, and contributed absolutely nothing of value to entertainment or the Santa-loving world we live in. 

It wasn't alone, though.  Sadly, there's been a lot of abysmal attempts at kid-friendly fare produced over the decades.  Some truly terrible stuff has been made.  Why, I don't know.  I guess there's a percentage of our nation that will consume pretty much anything if you slap a droopy fur-lined red hat on top of it. 

Which brings us to The Chipmunks.

Same

While a few weirdos may find hoodie-wearing rodents to be aesthetically charming, especially when one of them flashes the peace sign (because war, man), I sincerely disagree.  These eardrum-shattering creations are awful.  I don't want to hear them.  I don't want to hear them sing.  I don't want to hear them sing about Christmas.

And yet.

They hit number one.

So, someone must have liked them. 

I blame my parental units. 

You see, my folks are the type who will frequently say "people don't know how to sing these days!"  Yeah, mom and dad?  This critter hit topped the charts sixty years ago!  It peaked in popularity during your teen years.  Your time!  You own this! 

I don't actually say this to them, but I should.  I mean, people look back and laugh at the music of my high school days.  So unfair!  Bang Tango was totally legit you guys!  Just like I told you back then.  Why doesn't anyone listen to me?  I should start a blog.  That'll help.

Sigh.  Anyway, now, where was I?  Oh yeah, bad Christmas culture.  Such as...

I, uh, I don't really know what this is.

Oh right.  That's a still from the He-Man & She-Ra holiday special.  Feel joyous yet?  Ready to don some gay apparel?  No?  Let's check out another...

So.  Many.  Songs.  About.  Pellets.

Yup, a video game character wants to sing for you about his faith.

Bet you're feeling real jolly now.

Where does that leave us?

FINAL THOUGHTS
Admittedly, I've been a bit hard on today's "band" by virtue of comparing it to their peers rather than judging them on their own merits.  Ok, I can recognize that isn't really fair.  I mean, all animals should get to celebrate and sing about the holidays just like us humans.  Who cares if their voices make me want to shove a dental drill in my brain?  They still have the right to...

No, never mind.  They have no rights.  This is just plain awful.  I'd rather watch turtles cavort on the 25th. Which, sadly, I can certainly do.

Merry Xmas everyone!

Guns N' Roses "Sweet Child O' Mine"

*****Number One, September, 1988*****


Perspective and reality are definitely not in cahoots.  For example, I give you this week's artist, Guns N Roses.  To me, and many of my school-aged brethren, they were THE band in the late eighties and early nineties.  Everyone liked them.  The metalheads and mainstreamers.  The cool kids and the outcasts.  The sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, and dickheads all adored them and thought them righteous dudes.

Wait, that's Ferris Bueller.

And, well, to be honest, I don't think Ferris would have been a GnR fan.  He was probably one of those guys that only listened to bands that society had deemed unassailable, like The Beatles and (to a lesser extent) The Clash.  He wouldn't associate with music that could be considered a sham or middling by a segment of his school, lest he find his coolness quotient drop by a percentage point or two.  That mattered more than anything.  He may have appeared to be rebellious, but he really only pushed the envelope to help himself, and otherwise led a very safe, very protected life.

Now, Cameron on the other hand, he probably was into weird shit like The Meat Puppets and Mojo Nixon and...um...never mind.

Got off on a bit of a tangent there.  Sorry about that.  Where were we?

Oh, right, the eighties

Truth is, this band was a worldwide sensation and seemingly the number one musical act on the planet during that time.  However, by a certain metric, they weren't nearly as successful as I had assumed.  That measuring stick; weeks at number one.

Not even in 1988, when Sweet Child broke through, were they at the top for very long.  For that song, their only (yes, only) chart topper, remained at the summit for just two weeks.  And, while that is certainly an accomplishment, it doesn't come across quite as impressive when you peruse the "hot" list for the full year.

Let's do some research!

Over the course of fifty-two weeks in 1988, there were thirty-three different number ones.  The stay in the penthouse for these tunes broke down thusly;

• Fifteen songs were on top for one week
• Sixteen songs were on top for two weeks
• One song for three weeks
• One song for four weeks.
• By this counter, the top song of 1988 was..."Roll with it" by Steve Winwood.  Which, yuck.

Anyway, so, Guns n' Roses tied with fifteen other songs for the third-best performance of that year.  Hey, bronze medal!  That's nothing to sneeze at.  I'm sure the rest of this allotment were remarkably clever and still-relevant and oh never mind let's get to the carnage.

• Sweet Child O' Mine was EXACTLY equal and no better or worse than any of the following hits:
• "Could've Been" by Tiffany
• "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" by Billy Ocean
• "A Groovy Kind of Love" by Phil Collins
• "Bad Medicine" by Bon Jovi
• And several others, including, uh, this

Don't worry, be happy that this song is just as good!

That's...no.  And do you know what's even less impressive?  The guns guys were among the vast majority of artists that only managed a sole score over those twelve months.  Meanwhile, four musicians had multiple ones, which makes them that much more successful!  How much more?

• George Michael was four times better!
• Michael Jackson was three times better!
• Whitney Houston was two times better!
• Rick Astley was two times better!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!

Yeah, sorry Axl, Slash, Duff, and, um, Sully, Cracker, The Edge, Onion-Man, Steve, and Walla Walla.  You all failed to be better than Rick Astley.

Now...

Must I do it?

Yes, I'm afraid I must.

Maybe if the band were called Gingers and Stripes, it would have been bigger

Where does that leave us?  Should it leave us with a lesser impression of the legacy of Guns n' Roses?  I wonder what my final thoughts will be.

FINAL THOUGHTS
On one hand. we all know this band.  They were absolutely monsters of of their time, and few artists can ever hope to achieve the level of popularity they reached.

That said, they tied with a song by George Michael called "Monkey".  Monkey?!?!  I've legit never heard of that tune, and I'm pretty sure nobody else had.  People must have liked George so much that they just voted him number one for the heck of it.  And then, Axl and the boys barreled through and took their moment in the sun.

Until that miserly bastard Bobby McFerrin knocked them down.

What a weird point in history.

Regardless, Guns n' Roses will always be a big deal, with or without number one hits.  And this was a great song!  So good, in fact, that I failed to talk about it at all in this entry.

Higher praise cannot be bestowed.

?

Robert Palmer "Addicted to Love"

*****Number One, May, 1986*****


Two weeks ago, I used highly complicated podcast technology to break down our weekly number ones by an objective measure (gender diversity of each performer).  Today, I'd like to try to use a more subjective method to separate the hits and their makers.

That is, the why.

While there can be many reasons as to why a song shoots to the top of the charts, I will make the presumption that there is one gigantic aspect that really brought on the popularity.  And, I'm going to guess that this singular thing is an immediately obvious one, especially to us blogging professionals (or, blopro's, if you insist).  While some chart toppers may be forged out of a variety of materials, I feel it is probable that most of the time the reason is likely quite simple, and something that can be figured quickly.

So, we're going to run the NOPR through its paces by scanning each tune we've reviewed, and asking for a first-impulse result as to why it was popular.  To be clear, I'm not talking about the detail of the song itself.  Instead, I'm referring to what about it exactly caught the nation's attention.

Let's hit some buttons and see why these songs went to the top!

• Rebellion (The Doors, Coolio, Donovan)
• Animation (Peter Gabriel, Dire Straits, A-ha)
• Famousness (Hole, The Beach Boys, Van Halen)
• Poppiness (Ke$ha, Kris Kross, Wham, Robin Thicke, Ricky Martin)
• Originality (Men at Work, Outkast, The Bangles)

I think that we can quibble a bit with some of these categories (and I'm sad that there isn't just a "Jumping" section, as there really should be).  However, I feel that the above is mostly accurate as to what the biggest piece of the hit-making pie is for each of these numbers.  

Which brings us to this week.  What word best describes our newest entry?

Sums it up, pretty much.

Yeah, Robert Palmer.  He had a pretty good career in the music business.  A couple decades!  Clearly, he must have had at least a modicum of talent to keep around that long.  So, I don't want to be too harsh here just based on one part of his catalogue.

Er, should I say two parts?

Hmm.  Yes, yes I should.

Because, with all due respect, there's no way not to talk about the, uh, sexy elephant(s) in the room.

Music!

"Addicted to Love," as well as his other hit "Simply Irresistible," were both houses built on the backs of excessively hot ladies.  Robert Palmer hit the jackpot with a concept and made instantly forgettable and bland rock music that would be forever remembered.  Honestly, I would like to be nice and be able to speak towards some hidden depth or cleverness tucked into this week's song (or artist). But, jeez, look at the chorus:

"Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love"

It's the lyrical equivalent of a beer commercial, which very probably explains the accompanying video advertising.  Just...plain.  And plainly dreadful.  So what, you say?  I got to see some nearly nekkid ladies on a continuous loop, you might howl.  Sure, fine, think of yourself and your bubbling libido.  But, you're forgetting the most important thing.

What about me?  How do I rate such a colossally boring song that essentially just existed as a device to titillate (phrasing) young boys in the eighties? 

Turns out, by digging.  Beyond the beautiful ladies in skin-tight clothes and face paint, I searched.  Several times, I replayed the video, trying to find some thing that stood out.  What?  I don't know.  Perhaps I hoped to find some speck of realism, of honesty, within the candy-coated commercial world.  Again and again, I studied the film watching these creatures bounce, bob, and sway.

For you, gentle reader.  For you!!!!!

Then, finally, with my computer battery sputtering towards zero, I found it.  That one, notable moment.

Addicted...to none

In a video that goes for three minutes and fifty-five seconds, the above still-shot occurs just twenty-one seconds in.  This frozen picture is the only frame within the entire length of the tune in which you can't see a part of any of the beautiful women around him.  It is only Mr Palmer, alone.  This is him, in his element, without distraction.  Welcome to the singer of this song, and the only thing worthy of a true review.

FINAL THOUGHTS
What did Robert Palmer do while sultry models danced and writhed around him?  Nobody really knows.  Not one person in the history of the planet has ever managed to keep their eyes on the guy during either of his highly charged videos.  Oh sure, people claim to have watched him.  They lie.  Men, women, children, pets, they are all entranced by the ladies.  Noone has ever seen the lead singer.  And he was hiding in plain sight.

Until now.

The freeze-frame above tells us all we need to know.  Like the rest of us, he's hoping to appear cool.  And, just the same as most, he's failing.  Lame hand movements and a loss of neck are prime indicators of trying too hard.  And, let's take a closer look at the face.  Enhance!

Where are the ladies?  I'm so cold.

Exactly.  This is a bad song.  And he knows it, no matter how hard he under-bites.  Without the women, he's no different than the rest of us.  This is why they're there.  This is the why.

Godspeed, sir.  I'm sorry I didn't understand.

We are all Robert Palmer.

Ricky Martin "Livin' La Vida Loca"

*****Number One, May, 1999*****


A few years back, I decided it was time to finally finish college and get a degree.  Over about, oh, a decade and a half or so, I had multiple starts and stops towards that goal.  Each fresh attempt was well-intentioned, usually backed by a strong desire to get out of whatever pointless job I was hopelessly spinning my wheels in.  Eventually, the carrot got shiny enough for me to dig in my heels and seriously try to get it done.

I re-enrolled and worked hard to complete that last year of classes.  Although, to be honest, I spent the most effort before I even signed up.  Ahead of the learnin', I sat down with the list of classes, the schedule, and focused as hard as I ever had on one specific desire; How to fulfill graduation requirements without taking even one superfluous class.  I wanted to finish with the EXACT number of necessary credits, and not one more.  I didn't intend to waste even half a moment in a room absorbing something that wouldn't count towards the endgame.

Ha ha, it's fun to learn, kids!

Jeez, thanks for the bat-peer pressure dude. 

After considering all the complicated computations, the concept seemed plausible.  However, the full plan hinged greatly on one last item.  I would need to certify the mandatory language aspect by taking and passing an intermediate-level Spanish test.  By doing this, I'd hit my mark and be done in the fastest possible amount of time.  If I failed the quiz, I'd have to go to college for one additional term, and complete my foreign-language requirement in an actual classroom setting.

The good news, I had taken three years of Spanish in high school.

The bad news, high school was approximately eight-hundred and forty-seven gajillion years ago.

So, yeah.

One more term.

Sigh

Not only did this test-debacle ruin my hopes of being done when I hoped, but it forced on me something even more awful.  That was, sitting for a quarter in a class I had absolutely no business being in.

Intermediate means the teacher only speaks the language she's teaching.  That's it.  And that language is not the one your friendly-neighborhood blogger understands.  I sat there the first day, sweating profusely, trying desperately to interpret every fourth word/coolly asking the bored millennial behind me "say, uh, fellow student, what page did she say?  I mean, I know of course, but, uh, I just wasn't really listening cause it's so easy and....oh, we're supposed to be speaking only Spanish too?  Ah, yes, great, I speak loads of Spanish.  No problem.  Sorry, no problemo.  There, see?  Spanish."

Things weren't looking rosy.  That is, until I discovered Google translate.

Sweet, sweet Google translate.

Every single paragraph and short essay I had to put together for that course meant some serious alone-time with the translation machine.  There's no doubt at all, AT ALL, that I would have failed the class had I not had that tech at the ready.  I'd probably still be degree-less too.  Think how bad this blog's grammar would be then?  Huh?!?  Scary.

Yes, Google was a savior.  That said, and despite my effusive praise above, it did (and still does) have some issues.  I soon discovered that the googs didn't translate things exactly as I intended.  I'd write something in English, flip it to Spanish, and then push it back to English to discover a resulted communication that sat at an education level of the nearest toddler and/or president. Tenses and verbs were mangled.  I had to take what little Spanish know-how I actually did posses and massage phrases until they seemed to actually read at the level of someone who possibly knew what he's doing (which I, of course didn't).  It's a tricky device.

And also kind of fun.

Which brings us, finally, at the very bottom of this gigantic sack of words, to this week's number one tune.

The loca goes in here!

Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca" is an energetic dance hit sung in two languages.  But, are two languages really enough?  According to Wikipedia, this song hit number one in ten countries!  I feel that, to truly rate this song fairly, we're going to have see the lyrics fed through the international word slaughterhouse that is Google translate.

The list of lands where he topped the charts is as follows (alphabetically);

Canada-Finland-Greece-Hungary-Ireland-New Zealand-Romania-Spain-UK-USA

Thus, I have pasted the song's entirety into the Google mechanism.  I will then translate the song to the first country on this list.  Following that, I will take the result and immediately swap it with the second.  And so on, and so on, until we reach the good ol' USA.

Granted, some of these flip-flops won't alter the song much.  I presume the Canadian version will be about the same, just maybe with an occasional "Eh" or "Timbit" thrown in somewhere.  But, in the end, we'll have a song that really reflects its status as an international hit. This is for you Ricky!!!

Livin' La Vida Loca (World Version)
This is the barn
Black cats and voodoo dolls
I know the prophecy
This girl is coming
This is a new feeling
New candles in candles
New addiction
Every day and night
That gives you that
Take and dance in the rain
He is crazy
But your pain
Like the ball of your head

That's just the first verse.  Wow.  Clearly, we're onto some sort of underlying secret here.  I'm a little afraid of doing more of this, to be honest.  I feel like the conspiracy police are going to come find me if I decipher the rest of this message.  Perhaps just the chorus?

Walk into
She lives in the village
Press and drag
We will see the story
Your lips are red red
And the color of the skin is the carpet
Who will be responsible?
We will see the story
He lives

Not terribly catchy.  Still, I think we need to move on here.  I've seen that Julia Roberts movie Conspiracy Theory, so I know what's possible.  Ok, I've never seen that flick.  Or is that just what I want you to believe?  Press and drag, people.  Press and drag!!!!!

Julia Roberts->Brad Pitt->Raptors.  Wake up, it's right in front of us!

FINAL THOUGHTS
Uh, let's see.  What was I talking about?  School?  Clandestine societies?  Skin the color of carpet?  Hmm.  Can't remember the point of this blog entry anymore.  Let's just say three stars.  That sounds about right, for whatever.  Man, this blog stuff is crazy-making.  I'd even say it's a little loca!  If I spoke Spanish.  Which I do.

Loca.

The Bangles "Walk Like an Egyptian"

*****Number One, December, 1986*****


Prior to this week's entry, our little blog has had fifteen total posts.  That's a pretty decent number!  And in many different ways, it's been an interesting mix of songs.  Of course, there are all sorts of charts and graphs and metrics about this three-quarter score of chart toppers that could be downloaded from the NOPR to illustrate this.  There are a million ways to crunch the data.  However, for today's entry, I'm curious about one certain aspect.  Let's get some output:

Gender diversity of A Single Breakdown hit-makers:

• Male-led duo or band / Quantity - 9
• Male solo performer / Quantity - 4
• Female-led duo or band / Quantity - 1
• Female solo performer / Quantity - 1

Hmm, I thought I smelled testosterone.

It's hard to say why things have shaken out this way.  Songs are randomly pulled and then chosen based on a personal connection.  Perhaps the history of pop music is dominated by men, thus our selections represent this ratio?  I don't know, but we've certainly been very short on lady tunes around here.  Even more so, of the two applicable songs, really only Ke$ha's crunky epic "Tik Tok" qualifies as fully female.  Hole, though fronted by a woman, was composed of a mixed-gender backing band behind its mixed-nut of a lead singer Courtney Love.

This all seems terribly unbalanced.  So how do we try and fix it?

We go to Egypt!

Eh, that's not quite right

Sorry, we go to the 80's!

This week we have a zero-fella mega-popular pop group reaching number one.  With "Walk Like an Egyptian", The Bangles hit the big time.  They did this despite the song existing somewhere on the musical axis between silly and nonsensical.  It wasn't quite "Down Under" level madness, but it still hit a pretty unique stride.

And, like those Men at Work, these Women at, uh, Bangling, used the hot music video scene to help push their song to the top.  Filled with live footage, weird montages of random people walking "Egyptian", and an occasional moment of come-hither smoky-eye glancing, the band got a ton of airplay.

She's looking at me, guys.  ME!!!!!!!

It was impressive, especially considering how very weird the song is.  I mean, the title on its own feels as if it could have been a Weird Al number.  Like, he turned "Running with the Devil" into this thing about imitating hieroglyph poses as some sort of wacky dance.  It's just missing a little accordion to be perfect.

Well, really, that can be said about 90% of music.

The thing is, it's not just the title that's odd.  The words themselves fulfill the bizarre concept of this catchy tune extraordinarily well.  How well?  Let's find out!

Sorry they beat you to it Al!

Walk Like an Egyptian
Section 1
"All the old paintings on the tombs / They do the sand dance don't ya know"
"If they move too quick (oh whey oh) / They're falling down like a domino"
"All the bazaar men by the Nile / They got the money on a bet"
"Gold crocodiles (oh whey oh) / They snap their teeth on your cigarette"
"Foreign types with the hookah pipes say / Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh"
"Walk like an Egyptian"

I have to assume that every songwriter, in the back of their mind, desperately hopes that something, anything they create will hit number one.  They must feel this way, regardless of what it is they're composing.

But, I can't imagine that this tune's writer, Liam Sternberg, considered for even a second that writing about sand dancing and hookah pipes would get him to the top of the mountain.  How would that even be any sort of a realistic dream?  Think of that scene for a moment:

"Hey honey, I've finished a new song, and this time, THIS TIME, I've got a hit."
"Liam, you've written dozens of songs, and nothing has gotten you even a paycheck."
"I know, but this is the one!"
"Sigh.  What's it about?"
"People dancing and moving like the figures in cave paintings!  And, I reference bazaar men AND foreign types in the very first stanza.  It's gold!"
A woman walks away, the front door slamming loudly behind her.

The rest of the lyrics are equally, uh, inventive.  They paint a picture of other folks going about their daily business.  And, you know, walking.  People like blond waitresses, kids in the marketplace, party boys, and cops in the donut shop all succumb to this terrible curse.  Why?  We don't know.  Should we be afraid?  Perhaps.

"All the space cadets with bird-like heads sing ay oh whey oh"

FINAL THOUGHTS
Still, when it comes right down to it, this is a fun song.  Energetic and ridiculous, it's a harmless respite from the real world.  The Bangles did the 80's proud with such a goofy and hooky release.  Hopefully, we can hear some Go-Go's or Blondie or other lady-tinged top songs again soon to compliment this one.   I suppose that's for the aliens to decide.  And Weird Al, of course.  They're connected.

I think I've said too much.

Van Halen "Jump"

*****Number One, February, 1984*****


Roughly two and a half months ago, I reviewed a song called "Jump" and went on the Single File podcast to talk about it.  Now, just this week, I reviewed a song called "Jump" and went on the very same podcast.

This unprecedented occurrence made me pause.  And then, once I un-paused, I began looking for a conspiracy.  Why else would this have happened?  Why does anything happen?!?  That's right, conspiracies.  They're all the rage right now, and practically always bear real, truthful fruit.  I mean, Roswell.  Need I say much else?  Exactly.

Now, with this double jump moment, one thing is clear.  The universe, or possibly somebody within this very same universe, is trying to talk to me.  What are they saying?  I needed to listen, because there might be something going on here.

And, what I found was, there is.  Something.  Big.

I started digging, and the deeper I searched, the more I saw.  This event was most-almost-certainly not some sort of coincidence.  The litany of connections I discovered between these two chart topping hits are as staggering as they are bizarre.  Most folks would think that a legendary band's rock song from the 80's would have absolutely no link with the 90's hip-hop stylings of a couple of tween southerners.  Those folks would be very, very, so very wrong

Visual approximation of the midpoint between Van Halen and Kris Kross

I'm here now to blow the lid off this whole sordid history.  You'll never believe how David Lee Roth's firing led to the whole backwards-clothes phenomenon.  But it did, with the involvement of a web of illicit conspirators including a minimum of three popes (that we know of).  Additionally, I discovered that the corresponding music videos, when played at the same exact time, send a message of warning about the safety of this planet.  Earth!  That's right, this goes all the way to the top.

Without further delay, the tale must be told.  The story begins with an old farmer, an empty bucket, and three ungulates, when suddenly

*********************BREAKING NEWS********************

• On Monday, November 5th, The Beach Boys Twitter account (@thebeachboys) sent out a message celebrating the fact that the song "Kokomo" hit number one on the same date thirty years prior.
• On Tuesday morning, November 6th, the Single File Podcast Twitter account (@singlefilepod) retweeted this moment, with the addition of a (mildly amusing) comment noting that occasional Beach Boy and Olson-wrangler John Stamos "still looks as great as ever!" 
• Later that very same Tuesday, this blog's Twitter account (@the_tacothetown) replied to the above tweet, including a somewhat in-the-weeds additional comment which said "They don't even mention #grundo!  Seriously?"   
• This tweet was liked by three people.
• @singlefilepod - the above referenced podcast
• @fatimalovesJS - A John Stamos superfan
• @johnstamos - John Stamos.

Yes, that's right, John Stamos.  

THE John Stamos.

To summarize;
At some point on the morning of election day, John (Mr Stamos to those of you without likes) arose from his youth-recovering cryogenic sleep-time machine, stepped over the half-dozen or so lingerie models strewn about his living room shag, and grabbed his phone.  As he drank down his morning hair-replenishing serum (with banana, since it was a Tuesday) he started scrolling through Twitter.  Among the news articles, Full House threads, and Dave Coulier money requests, he stared at his mentions.  One in particular, despite it containing nearly no language he could possibly comprehend, caught his eye.  At that precise half-second, his perfect brain decided "Yes, yes I like that garbled nonsense."  His finger touched and released the little heart on the screen.

The world kept spinning.

?

****************THIS HAS BEEN BREAKING NEWS*******************

So, there you go.  Jump.  Who knew?  I'll skip the final thoughts this week.  I mean, I'm sure you're all overwhelmed with information anyway.  Let's just enjoy this song!  While we still can.

We must all be witness.  And, yes Dave, we must all jump as well. 

A-ha "Take on Me"

*****Number One, October, 1985*****


So, it's Sunday night.

Crap, it's Sunday night!

Thinking...

You know, I've had the tendency to do some pretty lengthy preambles to our weekly number one hits thus far.  I think that, this time, maybe we'll skip all of that. 

Why?  Uh, reasons.  Musical reasons.  Norwegian musical reasons.

Yup, that's why.

I mean, even though we're only speaking of some chart-toppers from the eighties today, there's so much more to the music scene up there.  Er, over there.  Up and over there.  Somewhere?  Look, Norway simply means business and requires that we don't mess around.  Just look at their national magazine:

Rats, I was hoping this month would be the swimsuit issue

See!?!  We can't bother with any pointless yet scintillating word noodling for this post.  Let's just get on with the song review. 

Bring on A-ha!

Take on Me
Stanza 1
"Talking away"
"I don't know what I'm to say"
"I'll say it anyway"
"Today is another day to find you"
"Shying away"
"I'll be coming for your love.  Ok?"

Summary
Uh, hang on, you're sure these guys aren't Canadian?  Really?  They're so nice.  Not only are they thoughtful about this whole relationship thing, but they ask permission too.  I mean, if if I were a beige-obsessed blond in a weird blouse who spent my nights drinking coffee and reading comics in a dingy diner, then I'd probably fall for these guys myself!  If I were.  Which I'm not. 

My loss, I suppose.

Although, sadly, I have passed many a night hallucinating in the milk bar

Stanza 2
"So needless to say"
"Of odds and ends"
"But I'll be stumbling away"
"Slowly learning that life is ok"
"Say after me"
"It's no better to be safe than sorry"

Summary
Very heartfelt.  These guys are a wellspring of polite regret.  Sure they're not Canadian?  No, sorry, I know, you said they weren't.  Certainly some meaningful lyrics here.  Perhaps they get that way from growing up under the ruthless thumb of the corporate demigod that is Ikea.

Oh, wait, Ikea is Swedish.  Dammit.  Now I really have no idea what to make of this. 

I'm posting this image anyway, despite the international incident it will cause.

Sigh.  Well, shall we go to the final verse?  Yes, lets.

Stanza 3
"Oh things that you say.  Yeah."
"Is it life or just to play my worries away"
"You're all the things I've got to remember"
"You're shying away"
"I'll be coming for you anyway"

Summary
Alrighty, lets get cooking with some Norwegian gas, which at this point I'm guessing burns poetically and releases a smoky ash that fills any space with enough ennui to choke a reindeer.  They do have reindeers there, right?  RIGHT?   

World Reindeer Racing Championships, Norway, 2019

Well, that's a relief.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Already?  Yeah, and I feel bad about it.  I've barely spoken of this pop anthem nor its groundbreaking and innovative video.  Instead, I quickly and superficially parsed the verses, taking more time to talk of non-Canadian-ness than the depth and intensity of the tune's meaning.  Seems kind of unfair, doesn't it?

Perhaps it is.  But, really, the thing is...well, it's Sunday.  Night. 

And it's late.

The song?  Um, sure, I suppose we should score it.  On a range of band names from the magazine cover at the top of this post, from awesome to awful, I'd say "Take on Me" is better than Darkthrone but worse than Old Funeral. 

There you go.  Norway.  Go visit.  They've got reindeer.

I'm going to bed.

Outkast "Ms. Jackson"

*****Number One, February, 2001*****


This week, yours truly is taking a break.  After nearly three months of entries, I decided it was time for a short vacation.  I mean, I've written twelve updates since August.  Twelve!  And each blog post probably took at least an hour to write.  So, that means I've spent a total of something like...

...counting...

...a dozen hours on this project stretched over a quarter of a year!  Are you kidding me?  Boy, I hope all my readers appreciate this dedication and sacrifice.  But, it's fine, it's worth it!  I do it all for you.  And Colin Hay, of course.  He's pretty awesome.

However, don't be sad about my short break from the routine.  You're still getting a dose of hot chart-topping word assessment.  I've got a backup for this week, and he's just the man for the job.

Because he's a dog.

That's right, my main canine Ollie has generously offered to fill in on the blog this week.  He may only be five, but he's a big fan of Outkast and especially knowledgeable of southern rap from the early 2000's.  I know, I was surprised too.

At any rate, much like The Family Circus, I'm letting a youngster handle the content.  Remember The Family Circus?  That awful comic strip that was consistently unfunny, overtly godly, and as bland as the whitest Trump daughter?  Right, that one.  The strips' true author would occasionally have "Billy", one of the younger Hitlery characters, "write" that day's panel.  Basically, it meant that the newspaper smudge that morning had the appearance of being conceived of and drawn by a small, privileged boy.  It was still completely devoid of laughs, but conveyed an obvious attempt at pummeling the reader with childlike charm and wonder.  The whole thing was utterly, remarkably, dreadful.

And, yeah, well, I'm ripping it off.  But!  Instead of an insufferable towhead, my beloved, licking machine of a pooch will be responsible for this week's review.  He will take a gander at this particular number one's lyrics (more specifically the chorus) and give you his thoughts and overall concerns.

Oddly enough, this will be done in comic strip form.  Why?  I don't know, he's a dog.  His ways can't be understood, except when treats are involved.  Crap, I said the "T" word.  Did I break his concentration?

Whew!  Still focused on the blog, it seems

Guess he didn't hear me.  I'm just going to quietly let myself out.

Take it away Ollie!
-----------------------

Bark.

Donovan "Sunshine Superman"

*****Number One, September, 1966*****


A short time ago, I encountered a chart topper that I had never knowingly heard before.  It contained references to a Diddy(?), some Jagger Swagger, and a whole slew of crunky po-po.  It was divine.

At that point, it seemed probable that this sort of incident would be very rare.  Based on the number ones that were being doled out by the NOPR, it appeared likely that I'd be at least moderately familiar with each weekly release.  Perhaps it would be years before finding another unknown gem.

Or, you know, weeks.

And, apparently, not many at that.

Seems I was extremely naive in my expectations this past September.  Pretty much just a blog neanderthal (blogderthal?) in the woods, rooting around in the mud for barely relevant images to steal and post with impunity.  So much has changed since then!

Ok, nothing has changed.  

Thus, unexpectantly, here we are again, standing face-to-face with a never-heard number one.  I have to admit that I'm excited to again greet something that has been completely off my radar.  The music world is a big place, and I'm getting off my beathen path (gross) once more.

And, just like last time, I'm entering the fray utterly empty-handed.  No information about the artist nor their music have been yanked from the wilds of the internets.  I'm just a boy, sitting here, ready to learn about a girl.  Er, song.  And a boy.  Or a girl.  Wait, is Donovan a boy or a girl?

According to the 1st google image result, he's a Paul Westerberg

Alright, we've got that settled.  I guess.  Now, let's dig into the song itself.

As with the majesty that was "Tik Tok", we're pseudo-live blogging the lyrics.  I will carefully, with great integrity and furious focus, grab just a part of the song at a time.  Each time I do the ol' copy/paste combo will be the very first instance I see the wordlings of this top hit.  Then, just as with the Ke$ha kerfuffle, I'll follow up each line from the tune with my immediate reaction.

Without further ado, let's hear, uh, I mean read, some Number One Donovan stylings!

"Sunshine Superman"

• "Sunshine came softly through my a-window today"
• Ok, sunshine, check.  Always nice to take care of things early on.  Don't wait until the last moment to get the title in, I always say (I never say that).
• "Could've tripped out easy a-but I've a-changed my ways"
• Right, I'll refrain from a snap judgement about your meaning and just ask about those ways.  Do those ways include a lot of extra "a's"?  Just a-wondering.
• "It'll take time, I know it but in a while you're gonna be mine, I know it, we'll do it in style"
• Seems you know several things.  Apparently. 
• "Cause I made my mind up you're gonna be mine"
• Again, you know things.  Got it.  

Hmm, alright.  Well not a terribly exciting start.  I was hoping we'd have seen the introduction of Superman already.  Or, at least one of his incompetent villains.  Where's that one guy?  Zuckerberg?  I think that's his name, though I might be getting my films confused.

At any rate, let's go bulk mode on stanza two.  You haven't lost me yet, Donovan, but give me something.  Come on!

• "I'll tell you right now / Any trick in the book now, baby, all that I can find / Everybody's hustlin' just to have a little scene / When I say we'll be cool I think you know what I mean / We stood on a beach at sunset, do you remember when? / I know a beach where, baby, a-it never ends / When you've made your mind up forever to be mine"

Yeah...drugs.  This indicates drugs.  A lot of them.  I just don't know what the hell is going on.  I'm very disappointed in this song so far.  You couldn't find one rhyme for Justice League?  Guh.  Alight mister deep thoughts, let's go to the next section.  Maybe you sobered up in time to pull something from the DC cannon.  Go on, give it a try.

• "Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, / I'll pick up your hand and blow your little mind / ..."

Nope, it only gets worse.  Beyond these two ridiculous phrases, the rest of the third grouping randomly picks lines previously mumbled.  I just...I'm irrititated. 

Not solely cause he's clearly got a head full of zombie, nor due to the fact that he's kind of a dick to the girl he's singing to, but mainly because the damn druggy made me think of the Crash Test Dummies with all those "hmm's".  I'll have baritone in my dreams for weeks.  Thanks a bunch, ya hippie washout.

Let's just finish this, please.

• "Superman or Green Lantern ain't got a-nothin' on me / ..."

I ...just...

Excuse me.

FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK

FINAL THOUGHTS
If there was ever, EVER, a real desire by any parent and/or politician to get kids off of drugs, you would read them that lyric above.

Adult - "Hey kids, Superman or Green Lantern ain't got a-nothin' on me.  Yipdipdeedoo, 23 skiddoo!"
Child - "Thank you sir, my innocence has just been lost.  I must now be a responsible human being from here on out and never, ever, not be fully sober and totally aware of my surroundings at all times."

Green F'n Lantern?!?!?!  Really?

Ok, sorry, I'll stop.

REALLY?!?!?

No, no, I apologize.  I'm having a rough week.  Work's been crazy busy, and then there was this thing with my shoe and the government.  The government!  So, so bad.  It's just, it's not your fault, gentle reader.  I'll try to keep calm.

<deeeeeeeeeeep breath>

Ahem.

You suck Donovan.

There.

Are we done?

Yeah, we're done.

The Beach Boys "Kokomo"

*****Number One, November, 1988*****


Occasionally here at The Breakdown (that's what the kids call it), we get some fake questions.  These queries usually come from non-existent people, so it all works out.  Anywho, this week, I was (not) asked the following:

-----
Dear The Breakdown,
     I'm a kid (see?!?!) and I just started a new job.  I can't possibly take a vacation yet since I have no time-off accrued.  Also, I've voyaged very little in my life so far.  However, I want to present the illusion that I'm a well-traveled, rounded person.  I'm perfectly comfortable lying to people, so I don't mind making up stories about places that I've been.  The thing is, I'm worried that someone who's actually been to the location I'm describing will call me out on it.  I don't want to be mid-explanation of my traumatizing visit to the west coast's largest kazoo memorial if some yahoo in the corner office claims to have been there too and asks me what my favorite part was.  I'll have to guess and say "gift shop" and they'll wrinkle their forehead in response as they'll know the gift shop had been burned down by right-wing recorder enthusiasts and then I'll need to go get a new job.

So, I'd like talk about a vacation to somewhere, but would like that spot to not really exist.  Can you let me know of any made up places, particularly ones that were named in song?  That way, they'd be familiar sounding, and yet un-verifiable. 

Thanks for your help!  Your biggest fan,
Not Real
-----

Thanks Not Real!  And, yes, we can totally help with your issue.  In fact, as luck would have it, today's number one hit is all about a made-up locale.  What a coincidence.  For you.

To help out, let's take a travel site-esque look at this chart topping fictional land of "Kokomo."  If it was good enough for The Beach Boys to create, I'm sure it will be something amazing.  I mean, I doubt they invented that name just because its three beats fit snugly into a chorus and the last syllable happens to rhyme with the word "go".  There must be other reasons.  Legitimate, musical genius reasons.  I guess.

Legit.

Regardless, I'm still relatively sure that this is where you will want to go!

Oh, it's real?  Ok, well, I hear Muncie is lovely this time of year

Firstly, where exactly are we going?

• "Off the Florida Keys, there's a place called Kokomo"

Ah, ok then, down there.  That corner of the world is certainly a popular tourist destination.  And, this island(?) would appear to sit among a bevy of well known and highly regarded lands nearby.  For comparison sake, you could go to;

• "Aruba"
• "Jamaica"
• "Bermuda"
• "Bahama"
• "Key Largo"
• "Montego"
• "Martinique"
• "Montserrat"
• "Port au Prince"

Yep, you could go to any of those.  But, nope, don't.  Just visit the one you haven't heard of.  It really is just like all of those others.  Yet somehow better!

This is not a bait-and-switch.

Kokomo is inhabited almost entirely by friendly ladies and ebullient skippers

Now, once you get there, there are a lot of things to do to see and do!  Let's review some of the top comments from travelers;

• "Bodies in the sand!"  Not dead ones, just to clarify
• "Tropical drinks melting in your hand."  Yeah, it's really, really stinkin' hot here.  The little umbrella in my Maui Zowie turned to ash in mere seconds.
• "Steel drum bands."  My headache hasn't gone away yet, and we were there over eight months ago.

So exciting!  Can you imagine such a place!?!  But wait, there's even more to do than that.

Does Kokomo welcome you like this?  No, thank god.

It's not enough to just go there.  You must truly experience all the island has to offer.  Bring your significant other, and share with her/him the official Kokomo creepy old guy come-ons!

• "We'll put out to sea and we'll perfect our chemistry" / "And by and by we'll defy a little bit of gravity"
• Chemistry!  Gravity!  When your junior high science teacher starts putting the moves on his ex-wife, look out for romance!
• "Afternoon delight, cocktails and moonlit nights" / "That dreamy look in your eye, give me a tropical contact high"
• That's right, like a cruise ship of dad jokes crashing into a Wonder Bread factory, the evening will bring with it a disturbing collision of groaning, pasty bodies. 

FINAL THOUGHTS

Well, it could've been worse.

He rhymes flip flop with pop top.  This man is not well.

So, is Kokomo the type of place you actually want to pretend to have gone to?  You'd assume so, based on the quality of the gents telling you to go there.  But, really, it just comes across as a third-rate getaway.  And you just know that the cocktails are bland and annoying too.  

However, in the end, feel free to tell your new co-workers about your trip here.  Just don't do so too excitedly.  Be honest about your lies and give them the full story.  We all know, some vacations just don't work out.

Next year, though, Paradise City!  I've heard nothing but great things about both the grass (green) and the girls (pretty).  What could possibly go wrong?