The Beach Boys "Kokomo"

*****Number One, November, 1988*****


Occasionally here at The Breakdown (that's what the kids call it), we get some fake questions.  These queries usually come from non-existent people, so it all works out.  Anywho, this week, I was (not) asked the following:

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Dear The Breakdown,
     I'm a kid (see?!?!) and I just started a new job.  I can't possibly take a vacation yet since I have no time-off accrued.  Also, I've voyaged very little in my life so far.  However, I want to present the illusion that I'm a well-traveled, rounded person.  I'm perfectly comfortable lying to people, so I don't mind making up stories about places that I've been.  The thing is, I'm worried that someone who's actually been to the location I'm describing will call me out on it.  I don't want to be mid-explanation of my traumatizing visit to the west coast's largest kazoo memorial if some yahoo in the corner office claims to have been there too and asks me what my favorite part was.  I'll have to guess and say "gift shop" and they'll wrinkle their forehead in response as they'll know the gift shop had been burned down by right-wing recorder enthusiasts and then I'll need to go get a new job.

So, I'd like talk about a vacation to somewhere, but would like that spot to not really exist.  Can you let me know of any made up places, particularly ones that were named in song?  That way, they'd be familiar sounding, and yet un-verifiable. 

Thanks for your help!  Your biggest fan,
Not Real
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Thanks Not Real!  And, yes, we can totally help with your issue.  In fact, as luck would have it, today's number one hit is all about a made-up locale.  What a coincidence.  For you.

To help out, let's take a travel site-esque look at this chart topping fictional land of "Kokomo."  If it was good enough for The Beach Boys to create, I'm sure it will be something amazing.  I mean, I doubt they invented that name just because its three beats fit snugly into a chorus and the last syllable happens to rhyme with the word "go".  There must be other reasons.  Legitimate, musical genius reasons.  I guess.

Legit.

Regardless, I'm still relatively sure that this is where you will want to go!

Oh, it's real?  Ok, well, I hear Muncie is lovely this time of year

Firstly, where exactly are we going?

• "Off the Florida Keys, there's a place called Kokomo"

Ah, ok then, down there.  That corner of the world is certainly a popular tourist destination.  And, this island(?) would appear to sit among a bevy of well known and highly regarded lands nearby.  For comparison sake, you could go to;

• "Aruba"
• "Jamaica"
• "Bermuda"
• "Bahama"
• "Key Largo"
• "Montego"
• "Martinique"
• "Montserrat"
• "Port au Prince"

Yep, you could go to any of those.  But, nope, don't.  Just visit the one you haven't heard of.  It really is just like all of those others.  Yet somehow better!

This is not a bait-and-switch.

Kokomo is inhabited almost entirely by friendly ladies and ebullient skippers

Now, once you get there, there are a lot of things to do to see and do!  Let's review some of the top comments from travelers;

• "Bodies in the sand!"  Not dead ones, just to clarify
• "Tropical drinks melting in your hand."  Yeah, it's really, really stinkin' hot here.  The little umbrella in my Maui Zowie turned to ash in mere seconds.
• "Steel drum bands."  My headache hasn't gone away yet, and we were there over eight months ago.

So exciting!  Can you imagine such a place!?!  But wait, there's even more to do than that.

Does Kokomo welcome you like this?  No, thank god.

It's not enough to just go there.  You must truly experience all the island has to offer.  Bring your significant other, and share with her/him the official Kokomo creepy old guy come-ons!

• "We'll put out to sea and we'll perfect our chemistry" / "And by and by we'll defy a little bit of gravity"
• Chemistry!  Gravity!  When your junior high science teacher starts putting the moves on his ex-wife, look out for romance!
• "Afternoon delight, cocktails and moonlit nights" / "That dreamy look in your eye, give me a tropical contact high"
• That's right, like a cruise ship of dad jokes crashing into a Wonder Bread factory, the evening will bring with it a disturbing collision of groaning, pasty bodies. 

FINAL THOUGHTS

Well, it could've been worse.

He rhymes flip flop with pop top.  This man is not well.

So, is Kokomo the type of place you actually want to pretend to have gone to?  You'd assume so, based on the quality of the gents telling you to go there.  But, really, it just comes across as a third-rate getaway.  And you just know that the cocktails are bland and annoying too.  

However, in the end, feel free to tell your new co-workers about your trip here.  Just don't do so too excitedly.  Be honest about your lies and give them the full story.  We all know, some vacations just don't work out.

Next year, though, Paradise City!  I've heard nothing but great things about both the grass (green) and the girls (pretty).  What could possibly go wrong?