Van Halen "Jump"

*****Number One, February, 1984*****


Roughly two and a half months ago, I reviewed a song called "Jump" and went on the Single File podcast to talk about it.  Now, just this week, I reviewed a song called "Jump" and went on the very same podcast.

This unprecedented occurrence made me pause.  And then, once I un-paused, I began looking for a conspiracy.  Why else would this have happened?  Why does anything happen?!?  That's right, conspiracies.  They're all the rage right now, and practically always bear real, truthful fruit.  I mean, Roswell.  Need I say much else?  Exactly.

Now, with this double jump moment, one thing is clear.  The universe, or possibly somebody within this very same universe, is trying to talk to me.  What are they saying?  I needed to listen, because there might be something going on here.

And, what I found was, there is.  Something.  Big.

I started digging, and the deeper I searched, the more I saw.  This event was most-almost-certainly not some sort of coincidence.  The litany of connections I discovered between these two chart topping hits are as staggering as they are bizarre.  Most folks would think that a legendary band's rock song from the 80's would have absolutely no link with the 90's hip-hop stylings of a couple of tween southerners.  Those folks would be very, very, so very wrong

Visual approximation of the midpoint between Van Halen and Kris Kross

I'm here now to blow the lid off this whole sordid history.  You'll never believe how David Lee Roth's firing led to the whole backwards-clothes phenomenon.  But it did, with the involvement of a web of illicit conspirators including a minimum of three popes (that we know of).  Additionally, I discovered that the corresponding music videos, when played at the same exact time, send a message of warning about the safety of this planet.  Earth!  That's right, this goes all the way to the top.

Without further delay, the tale must be told.  The story begins with an old farmer, an empty bucket, and three ungulates, when suddenly

*********************BREAKING NEWS********************

• On Monday, November 5th, The Beach Boys Twitter account (@thebeachboys) sent out a message celebrating the fact that the song "Kokomo" hit number one on the same date thirty years prior.
• On Tuesday morning, November 6th, the Single File Podcast Twitter account (@singlefilepod) retweeted this moment, with the addition of a (mildly amusing) comment noting that occasional Beach Boy and Olson-wrangler John Stamos "still looks as great as ever!" 
• Later that very same Tuesday, this blog's Twitter account (@the_tacothetown) replied to the above tweet, including a somewhat in-the-weeds additional comment which said "They don't even mention #grundo!  Seriously?"   
• This tweet was liked by three people.
• @singlefilepod - the above referenced podcast
• @fatimalovesJS - A John Stamos superfan
• @johnstamos - John Stamos.

Yes, that's right, John Stamos.  

THE John Stamos.

To summarize;
At some point on the morning of election day, John (Mr Stamos to those of you without likes) arose from his youth-recovering cryogenic sleep-time machine, stepped over the half-dozen or so lingerie models strewn about his living room shag, and grabbed his phone.  As he drank down his morning hair-replenishing serum (with banana, since it was a Tuesday) he started scrolling through Twitter.  Among the news articles, Full House threads, and Dave Coulier money requests, he stared at his mentions.  One in particular, despite it containing nearly no language he could possibly comprehend, caught his eye.  At that precise half-second, his perfect brain decided "Yes, yes I like that garbled nonsense."  His finger touched and released the little heart on the screen.

The world kept spinning.

?

****************THIS HAS BEEN BREAKING NEWS*******************

So, there you go.  Jump.  Who knew?  I'll skip the final thoughts this week.  I mean, I'm sure you're all overwhelmed with information anyway.  Let's just enjoy this song!  While we still can.

We must all be witness.  And, yes Dave, we must all jump as well.