Robert Palmer "Addicted to Love"

*****Number One, May, 1986*****


Two weeks ago, I used highly complicated podcast technology to break down our weekly number ones by an objective measure (gender diversity of each performer).  Today, I'd like to try to use a more subjective method to separate the hits and their makers.

That is, the why.

While there can be many reasons as to why a song shoots to the top of the charts, I will make the presumption that there is one gigantic aspect that really brought on the popularity.  And, I'm going to guess that this singular thing is an immediately obvious one, especially to us blogging professionals (or, blopro's, if you insist).  While some chart toppers may be forged out of a variety of materials, I feel it is probable that most of the time the reason is likely quite simple, and something that can be figured quickly.

So, we're going to run the NOPR through its paces by scanning each tune we've reviewed, and asking for a first-impulse result as to why it was popular.  To be clear, I'm not talking about the detail of the song itself.  Instead, I'm referring to what about it exactly caught the nation's attention.

Let's hit some buttons and see why these songs went to the top!

• Rebellion (The Doors, Coolio, Donovan)
• Animation (Peter Gabriel, Dire Straits, A-ha)
• Famousness (Hole, The Beach Boys, Van Halen)
• Poppiness (Ke$ha, Kris Kross, Wham, Robin Thicke, Ricky Martin)
• Originality (Men at Work, Outkast, The Bangles)

I think that we can quibble a bit with some of these categories (and I'm sad that there isn't just a "Jumping" section, as there really should be).  However, I feel that the above is mostly accurate as to what the biggest piece of the hit-making pie is for each of these numbers.  

Which brings us to this week.  What word best describes our newest entry?

Sums it up, pretty much.

Yeah, Robert Palmer.  He had a pretty good career in the music business.  A couple decades!  Clearly, he must have had at least a modicum of talent to keep around that long.  So, I don't want to be too harsh here just based on one part of his catalogue.

Er, should I say two parts?

Hmm.  Yes, yes I should.

Because, with all due respect, there's no way not to talk about the, uh, sexy elephant(s) in the room.

Music!

"Addicted to Love," as well as his other hit "Simply Irresistible," were both houses built on the backs of excessively hot ladies.  Robert Palmer hit the jackpot with a concept and made instantly forgettable and bland rock music that would be forever remembered.  Honestly, I would like to be nice and be able to speak towards some hidden depth or cleverness tucked into this week's song (or artist). But, jeez, look at the chorus:

"Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love"

It's the lyrical equivalent of a beer commercial, which very probably explains the accompanying video advertising.  Just...plain.  And plainly dreadful.  So what, you say?  I got to see some nearly nekkid ladies on a continuous loop, you might howl.  Sure, fine, think of yourself and your bubbling libido.  But, you're forgetting the most important thing.

What about me?  How do I rate such a colossally boring song that essentially just existed as a device to titillate (phrasing) young boys in the eighties? 

Turns out, by digging.  Beyond the beautiful ladies in skin-tight clothes and face paint, I searched.  Several times, I replayed the video, trying to find some thing that stood out.  What?  I don't know.  Perhaps I hoped to find some speck of realism, of honesty, within the candy-coated commercial world.  Again and again, I studied the film watching these creatures bounce, bob, and sway.

For you, gentle reader.  For you!!!!!

Then, finally, with my computer battery sputtering towards zero, I found it.  That one, notable moment.

Addicted...to none

In a video that goes for three minutes and fifty-five seconds, the above still-shot occurs just twenty-one seconds in.  This frozen picture is the only frame within the entire length of the tune in which you can't see a part of any of the beautiful women around him.  It is only Mr Palmer, alone.  This is him, in his element, without distraction.  Welcome to the singer of this song, and the only thing worthy of a true review.

FINAL THOUGHTS
What did Robert Palmer do while sultry models danced and writhed around him?  Nobody really knows.  Not one person in the history of the planet has ever managed to keep their eyes on the guy during either of his highly charged videos.  Oh sure, people claim to have watched him.  They lie.  Men, women, children, pets, they are all entranced by the ladies.  Noone has ever seen the lead singer.  And he was hiding in plain sight.

Until now.

The freeze-frame above tells us all we need to know.  Like the rest of us, he's hoping to appear cool.  And, just the same as most, he's failing.  Lame hand movements and a loss of neck are prime indicators of trying too hard.  And, let's take a closer look at the face.  Enhance!

Where are the ladies?  I'm so cold.

Exactly.  This is a bad song.  And he knows it, no matter how hard he under-bites.  Without the women, he's no different than the rest of us.  This is why they're there.  This is the why.

Godspeed, sir.  I'm sorry I didn't understand.

We are all Robert Palmer.