Starship "We Built This City"

*****Number One, November, 1985*****


Generally, in writing up these musical dealies, I feel the need to establish some sort of intent at the start of the post.  Call it a preamble, an intro, or perhaps a warning.  Whatever it is, typically I'm inclined to gently welcome the reader to the week's subject matter so that they don't feel a shock upon tasting the oddly flavored soup-mix that is blogger brain and chart-topping smash.  The first paragraph is supposed to be like a fresh loaf of bread that envelopes a person with yeasty warmth.  I want you to feel safe and comfortable before we press firmly on the weird pedal and go down some unknown and bumpy trail.

But not this time, friends.  Sorry, today is a different sort of entry.  So, instead, we're stepping right back in the mess (sticktap to Maz Kanata).

Right.

Wait, who?

Exactly

The first step for most of my research is usually done on a little-known website called Google.  Not many people have heard of it, but I recommend it.  They're up and comers, I tell ya.  Watch out Alta Vista!

Anyway, when I type the NOPR's choice for the week into that search machine, I tend to get a pretty expected list of results.  Stories about the song's creation and the accompanying video are usually near the top.  Occasionally, you'll also see a band history entry, or maybe a minor controversy that erupted over some untoward lyric.  Interesting stuff, but normally nothing too remarkable immediately appears.  This time, however, the Goog spat out links that displayed quite an unusual and specific theme.

From the very first page of my search:
#2 - An oral history of "We Built This City", the worst song of all time
#4 - The making of one of music's most hated songs
#5 - Starship's "We Built This City":  Really the worst?
#6 - How "We Built This City" became the worst song ever

So, yeah, this is different.

But, before we think of getting into all of that and allowing these other online peoples to color our view of this tune, let's consider something further.  That is, just how friggin popular it is.

Searching this song on Amazon music, it comes up as available on 279 albums.  2-7-9!  That many times, some person decided they really needed to use a version of this hit to fill out their release.  There are all these compilations, covers, remixes, re-issues, and other assorted collections containing what Starship wrought.

And, keeping with today's off-kilter review, this listing of created recordings are all over the map.  This song was included in movies (such as The Muppets and Rock of Ages), television shows (Stranger Things, Glee, Skins), and even a video game (Grand Theft Auto V).  It also has been featured on records with themes that, well...let's just look at a small fraction of these titles.

• 35 Jock Jams "Stadium Anthems"
• Mullet Rock Anthems!
• Beer Drinking Music
• Top Party Anthems
• Ultimate Stag Party Playlist
• So, yeah, it's a rockin' song!  
• Classic Soft Rock "30 Essential Rock Ballads"
• Oh, wait, it's a ballad?
• I Love Running
• Fitness at Home
• Er, sorry, it's for exercise.
• White House Shakedown "Presidents Day Musical Celebration"
• And holidays?
• Best Hits for Paddleball
• HUH?!?!?!
• Live at Stanley Cup
• Because, sure, why not.  And, lest you think I mistyped the above, I did not.  As you can see below, the title is not Live at the Stanley Cup.  Nope, this soundtrack is all about brevity.  And speaking like a Russian immigrant, I guess.

Next we go in car to party wearing yankee blue jean

Thus, "We Built This City" is remarkably awful yet incredibly popular at the same time.  Now I'm totally confused.  Forget it internets, you just can't be trusted.  I'll dive in on my own.

How 'bout a lyric?  That'll help me figure this out.
"Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don't you remember"

I, uh, hmm, um, hoo boy, oh look, the internet raised its hand again!  The lead singer?  Great, he'll get us on the right track.

Mickey Thomas
"When the song went to number one, I said to Bernie Taupin (Elton John's longtime collaborator and this song's writer) more than ever, people are gonna ask what Marconi plays the Mamba means.  He said, I've got no fucking idea, mate.  Bernie didn't say mambo, he said mamba, which is a snake.  Marconi created the radio.  Maybe it means, if you don't like this music, some really angry snakes are going to come out of the speakers.  At one point, I did start to sing mambo to try and be more grammatically correct. After a while I said fuck it and went back to mamba."

So, there's that.

FINAL THOUGHTS
This is the part of the entry where I'm really supposed to think (hence the heading, Final THOUGHTS).  However, I confess, my mind does not know what to make of this song.  There are already too many opinions about it, and I just can't nail down one original consideration.  I'm utterly flustered.  Just gonna have to go my own way.

FINAL THOUGHTS ON THE BAND NAME
Starship is a stupid band name.

Nailed it. 

Now who's for some paddleball!

Soundtrack sold separately

Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars "Uptown Funk!"

*****Number One, January, 2015 *****


"Hey, I know that song!"
"Do you?"
"Yes!"  
"Do you really?"
"Yes?"
"You don't sound sure"  
"I thought I did, but now I'm not certain.  It sounds familiar."
"Lots of things sound familiar.  Like Yahoo Serious"
"Yes, that does sound familiar too."
"See?"  
"You're right, I really don't know this song."

"But maybe you do?"

The above transcript brought to you by the voices in my head.  This blog makes much more sense now, doesn't it?

Right, so, anyway, where are we heading this week?  Oh yeah, let's go uptown.

This is why I never became a mechanic.

Ok, I know the above is from a different part of uptown.  We're not visiting that neighborhood this week, which is where Billy Joel's girl lives.  Instead, I'm off to find the funk. 

Sorry, funk!  This entry's title has an exclamation point, so you know this tune must be extremely exciting.  And I feel it!  I'm ready, and might just end every sentence from here on out with an exclamation point!  Or two!!

Guh, never mind, I'm already exhausted from all that commotion.  Let's keep our punctuation at an even keel from here on out instead.  I'm too old to go exclaiming all over the place.  Leave that flashy syntax to funk-bringers and wrench-singers, just like my junior high English teacher always advised.

At any rate, let's talk about this song.  UpTown Funk was a massive hit, topping the charts for an incredible fourteen weeks.  Any tune that stays in the public's eye that long must be known by pretty much everyone. 

Stands to reason that a song that pops up for one week can reach the top on the backs of the folks who really like that style of music.  If all those people buy the song over such a short time period, it will push it to the summit.  But, anyone not a fan of that style likely won't be pulled in, and the song will crash in popularity after it peaks.

But when you're undefeated for over three months?  Yeah, pretty much everyone's heard of it.  Which begs the question;

Even me?

The answer to that is essentially unknown at this moment.  As illustrated at the top of this post, I'm just not sure if I know this number or not.  I feel like I should, and probably do, but I can't summon it from my brainage.  Surely, there must at least be some parts I've heard. 

But, is that enough?  How many parts of a song must you be familiar with to consider it a song you know?  I don't know what that rule is.

So, let's find out how much I really know about this song, and what that much even means.

You know what's funky?  Reading the newspaper.  Holla.

Right, so, bear with me here.  So far, I've twice attempted to "live blog" the lyrics of previously unknown (to me) tunes.  That experience ranged from Crunky to Super-Junkie.  This entry will be reviewed similarly, but not exactly the same. 

Like the prior times, I will pull the meatiest stanzas of words from this hit out of the interwebs and paste them below, section-by-section.  However, in this case I'll be adding a value to each grouping signifying whether or not I've heard it before.  When I'm finished, we'll have a score of my funky knowledge.  Then, at the end, we can assess what that total means regarding the overall concept of knowing a song.

Ready?  My brain is.  Well, that's what it's telling me.  For now. 

UpTown Funk!
Verse One
This hit, that ice cold / Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold
This one for them hood girls / Them good girls, them masterpieces
Stylin', wilin', livin' it up in the city
Got chucks on with Saint Laurent / Got kiss myself, I'm so pretty

Sooooo, I'm off to poor start here.  None of this rings a bell.  Not Michelle Pfeiffer, not hood girls, not good girls, not Saint Laurent.  I know what chucks are, so that's something, but doesn't really count towards tune smarts.  Surprisingly, "Got kiss myself I'm so pretty" was going to be my high school yearbook quote.  Sadly, I went with "Free Tibet" instead.  What a waste. 
IQ SCORE - ZERO

Verse Two
Stop, wait a minute / Fill my cup, put some liquor in it
Take a sip, sign a check / Julio, get the stretch
Ride to Harlem, Hollywood, Jackson Mississippi
If we show up, we gon' show out / Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy

This, this is not going well.  I really thought I'd recall at least a portion of the song so far.  But, nada.  Although, maybe at one time I did know some of it, but got pissed off when they reference smooth peanut butter.  I'm a chunky man myself.  Can't believe they'd risk alienating listeners with such divisive rhetoric.  This is the way nation's fall.
IQ SCORE - ZERO

Chorus One
I'm too hot (hot damn) / Called a police and a fireman
I'm too hot (hot damn) / Make a dragon wanna retire man
I'm too hot (hot damn) / Say my name you know who I am
I'm too hot (hot damn) / Am I bad 'bout that money, break it down

Sigh, the shutout continues.  And, I must take issue with rhyming "damn" and "fireman".  No one pronounces it like Fire and Man.  And, you called a police?  What are you, a toddler?  I suggest replacing this phrase with something that makes a tad more sense.  How about;
I'm too hot (hot damn) / Got saved by a Spiderman
Boom, music.  You're welcome.
IQ SCORE - ZERO

Chorus Two
Girls hit your hallelujah / whoo (3x)
'Cause uptown funk gon' give it to you (3x)
Saturday night and we in the spot
Don't believe me just watch

Wait...wait!

Thanks Janine

FINAL THOUGHTS
I actually believed, before going through those lyrics, that I would have picked up at least half of them.  It really seemed like the most probable outcome for such a long-lasting, worldwide smash.  Instead, out of a whole swath of ridiculous lines, I know exactly one.  And, it's not even the title of the song!  Man, clearly, I'm more of a downtown funk-type person.  Huh, live and learn.

In then end, there's no way to tilt the percentages to propose that I know this hit at all.  If things were a bit more even, it might have been an interesting debate about when a person truly considers something as known.  Maybe sometime in the near-future, the NOPR will spit out a result that allows for that kind of discussion.  For now though, my brain has moved on to other topics. 

Dragon's retire?  They do?  Are you sure?

David Seville and The Chipmunks "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)"

*****Number One, December, 1958*****


It's the holidays!  I sincerely hope that you don't have to spend them, um, solo.

Meeting the in laws is always uncomfortable.  And itchy.

That stupendous image above is from a trainwreck of trainwrecks, the monumentally bad Star Wars Christmas Special.  It is considered the benchmark for embarrassment, and contributed absolutely nothing of value to entertainment or the Santa-loving world we live in. 

It wasn't alone, though.  Sadly, there's been a lot of abysmal attempts at kid-friendly fare produced over the decades.  Some truly terrible stuff has been made.  Why, I don't know.  I guess there's a percentage of our nation that will consume pretty much anything if you slap a droopy fur-lined red hat on top of it. 

Which brings us to The Chipmunks.

Same

While a few weirdos may find hoodie-wearing rodents to be aesthetically charming, especially when one of them flashes the peace sign (because war, man), I sincerely disagree.  These eardrum-shattering creations are awful.  I don't want to hear them.  I don't want to hear them sing.  I don't want to hear them sing about Christmas.

And yet.

They hit number one.

So, someone must have liked them. 

I blame my parental units. 

You see, my folks are the type who will frequently say "people don't know how to sing these days!"  Yeah, mom and dad?  This critter hit topped the charts sixty years ago!  It peaked in popularity during your teen years.  Your time!  You own this! 

I don't actually say this to them, but I should.  I mean, people look back and laugh at the music of my high school days.  So unfair!  Bang Tango was totally legit you guys!  Just like I told you back then.  Why doesn't anyone listen to me?  I should start a blog.  That'll help.

Sigh.  Anyway, now, where was I?  Oh yeah, bad Christmas culture.  Such as...

I, uh, I don't really know what this is.

Oh right.  That's a still from the He-Man & She-Ra holiday special.  Feel joyous yet?  Ready to don some gay apparel?  No?  Let's check out another...

So.  Many.  Songs.  About.  Pellets.

Yup, a video game character wants to sing for you about his faith.

Bet you're feeling real jolly now.

Where does that leave us?

FINAL THOUGHTS
Admittedly, I've been a bit hard on today's "band" by virtue of comparing it to their peers rather than judging them on their own merits.  Ok, I can recognize that isn't really fair.  I mean, all animals should get to celebrate and sing about the holidays just like us humans.  Who cares if their voices make me want to shove a dental drill in my brain?  They still have the right to...

No, never mind.  They have no rights.  This is just plain awful.  I'd rather watch turtles cavort on the 25th. Which, sadly, I can certainly do.

Merry Xmas everyone!

Guns N' Roses "Sweet Child O' Mine"

*****Number One, September, 1988*****


Perspective and reality are definitely not in cahoots.  For example, I give you this week's artist, Guns N Roses.  To me, and many of my school-aged brethren, they were THE band in the late eighties and early nineties.  Everyone liked them.  The metalheads and mainstreamers.  The cool kids and the outcasts.  The sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, and dickheads all adored them and thought them righteous dudes.

Wait, that's Ferris Bueller.

And, well, to be honest, I don't think Ferris would have been a GnR fan.  He was probably one of those guys that only listened to bands that society had deemed unassailable, like The Beatles and (to a lesser extent) The Clash.  He wouldn't associate with music that could be considered a sham or middling by a segment of his school, lest he find his coolness quotient drop by a percentage point or two.  That mattered more than anything.  He may have appeared to be rebellious, but he really only pushed the envelope to help himself, and otherwise led a very safe, very protected life.

Now, Cameron on the other hand, he probably was into weird shit like The Meat Puppets and Mojo Nixon and...um...never mind.

Got off on a bit of a tangent there.  Sorry about that.  Where were we?

Oh, right, the eighties

Truth is, this band was a worldwide sensation and seemingly the number one musical act on the planet during that time.  However, by a certain metric, they weren't nearly as successful as I had assumed.  That measuring stick; weeks at number one.

Not even in 1988, when Sweet Child broke through, were they at the top for very long.  For that song, their only (yes, only) chart topper, remained at the summit for just two weeks.  And, while that is certainly an accomplishment, it doesn't come across quite as impressive when you peruse the "hot" list for the full year.

Let's do some research!

Over the course of fifty-two weeks in 1988, there were thirty-three different number ones.  The stay in the penthouse for these tunes broke down thusly;

• Fifteen songs were on top for one week
• Sixteen songs were on top for two weeks
• One song for three weeks
• One song for four weeks.
• By this counter, the top song of 1988 was..."Roll with it" by Steve Winwood.  Which, yuck.

Anyway, so, Guns n' Roses tied with fifteen other songs for the third-best performance of that year.  Hey, bronze medal!  That's nothing to sneeze at.  I'm sure the rest of this allotment were remarkably clever and still-relevant and oh never mind let's get to the carnage.

• Sweet Child O' Mine was EXACTLY equal and no better or worse than any of the following hits:
• "Could've Been" by Tiffany
• "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" by Billy Ocean
• "A Groovy Kind of Love" by Phil Collins
• "Bad Medicine" by Bon Jovi
• And several others, including, uh, this

Don't worry, be happy that this song is just as good!

That's...no.  And do you know what's even less impressive?  The guns guys were among the vast majority of artists that only managed a sole score over those twelve months.  Meanwhile, four musicians had multiple ones, which makes them that much more successful!  How much more?

• George Michael was four times better!
• Michael Jackson was three times better!
• Whitney Houston was two times better!
• Rick Astley was two times better!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!

Yeah, sorry Axl, Slash, Duff, and, um, Sully, Cracker, The Edge, Onion-Man, Steve, and Walla Walla.  You all failed to be better than Rick Astley.

Now...

Must I do it?

Yes, I'm afraid I must.

Maybe if the band were called Gingers and Stripes, it would have been bigger

Where does that leave us?  Should it leave us with a lesser impression of the legacy of Guns n' Roses?  I wonder what my final thoughts will be.

FINAL THOUGHTS
On one hand. we all know this band.  They were absolutely monsters of of their time, and few artists can ever hope to achieve the level of popularity they reached.

That said, they tied with a song by George Michael called "Monkey".  Monkey?!?!  I've legit never heard of that tune, and I'm pretty sure nobody else had.  People must have liked George so much that they just voted him number one for the heck of it.  And then, Axl and the boys barreled through and took their moment in the sun.

Until that miserly bastard Bobby McFerrin knocked them down.

What a weird point in history.

Regardless, Guns n' Roses will always be a big deal, with or without number one hits.  And this was a great song!  So good, in fact, that I failed to talk about it at all in this entry.

Higher praise cannot be bestowed.

?

Robert Palmer "Addicted to Love"

*****Number One, May, 1986*****


Two weeks ago, I used highly complicated podcast technology to break down our weekly number ones by an objective measure (gender diversity of each performer).  Today, I'd like to try to use a more subjective method to separate the hits and their makers.

That is, the why.

While there can be many reasons as to why a song shoots to the top of the charts, I will make the presumption that there is one gigantic aspect that really brought on the popularity.  And, I'm going to guess that this singular thing is an immediately obvious one, especially to us blogging professionals (or, blopro's, if you insist).  While some chart toppers may be forged out of a variety of materials, I feel it is probable that most of the time the reason is likely quite simple, and something that can be figured quickly.

So, we're going to run the NOPR through its paces by scanning each tune we've reviewed, and asking for a first-impulse result as to why it was popular.  To be clear, I'm not talking about the detail of the song itself.  Instead, I'm referring to what about it exactly caught the nation's attention.

Let's hit some buttons and see why these songs went to the top!

• Rebellion (The Doors, Coolio, Donovan)
• Animation (Peter Gabriel, Dire Straits, A-ha)
• Famousness (Hole, The Beach Boys, Van Halen)
• Poppiness (Ke$ha, Kris Kross, Wham, Robin Thicke, Ricky Martin)
• Originality (Men at Work, Outkast, The Bangles)

I think that we can quibble a bit with some of these categories (and I'm sad that there isn't just a "Jumping" section, as there really should be).  However, I feel that the above is mostly accurate as to what the biggest piece of the hit-making pie is for each of these numbers.  

Which brings us to this week.  What word best describes our newest entry?

Sums it up, pretty much.

Yeah, Robert Palmer.  He had a pretty good career in the music business.  A couple decades!  Clearly, he must have had at least a modicum of talent to keep around that long.  So, I don't want to be too harsh here just based on one part of his catalogue.

Er, should I say two parts?

Hmm.  Yes, yes I should.

Because, with all due respect, there's no way not to talk about the, uh, sexy elephant(s) in the room.

Music!

"Addicted to Love," as well as his other hit "Simply Irresistible," were both houses built on the backs of excessively hot ladies.  Robert Palmer hit the jackpot with a concept and made instantly forgettable and bland rock music that would be forever remembered.  Honestly, I would like to be nice and be able to speak towards some hidden depth or cleverness tucked into this week's song (or artist). But, jeez, look at the chorus:

"Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love"

It's the lyrical equivalent of a beer commercial, which very probably explains the accompanying video advertising.  Just...plain.  And plainly dreadful.  So what, you say?  I got to see some nearly nekkid ladies on a continuous loop, you might howl.  Sure, fine, think of yourself and your bubbling libido.  But, you're forgetting the most important thing.

What about me?  How do I rate such a colossally boring song that essentially just existed as a device to titillate (phrasing) young boys in the eighties? 

Turns out, by digging.  Beyond the beautiful ladies in skin-tight clothes and face paint, I searched.  Several times, I replayed the video, trying to find some thing that stood out.  What?  I don't know.  Perhaps I hoped to find some speck of realism, of honesty, within the candy-coated commercial world.  Again and again, I studied the film watching these creatures bounce, bob, and sway.

For you, gentle reader.  For you!!!!!

Then, finally, with my computer battery sputtering towards zero, I found it.  That one, notable moment.

Addicted...to none

In a video that goes for three minutes and fifty-five seconds, the above still-shot occurs just twenty-one seconds in.  This frozen picture is the only frame within the entire length of the tune in which you can't see a part of any of the beautiful women around him.  It is only Mr Palmer, alone.  This is him, in his element, without distraction.  Welcome to the singer of this song, and the only thing worthy of a true review.

FINAL THOUGHTS
What did Robert Palmer do while sultry models danced and writhed around him?  Nobody really knows.  Not one person in the history of the planet has ever managed to keep their eyes on the guy during either of his highly charged videos.  Oh sure, people claim to have watched him.  They lie.  Men, women, children, pets, they are all entranced by the ladies.  Noone has ever seen the lead singer.  And he was hiding in plain sight.

Until now.

The freeze-frame above tells us all we need to know.  Like the rest of us, he's hoping to appear cool.  And, just the same as most, he's failing.  Lame hand movements and a loss of neck are prime indicators of trying too hard.  And, let's take a closer look at the face.  Enhance!

Where are the ladies?  I'm so cold.

Exactly.  This is a bad song.  And he knows it, no matter how hard he under-bites.  Without the women, he's no different than the rest of us.  This is why they're there.  This is the why.

Godspeed, sir.  I'm sorry I didn't understand.

We are all Robert Palmer.