Ricky Martin "Livin' La Vida Loca"

*****Number One, May, 1999*****


A few years back, I decided it was time to finally finish college and get a degree.  Over about, oh, a decade and a half or so, I had multiple starts and stops towards that goal.  Each fresh attempt was well-intentioned, usually backed by a strong desire to get out of whatever pointless job I was hopelessly spinning my wheels in.  Eventually, the carrot got shiny enough for me to dig in my heels and seriously try to get it done.

I re-enrolled and worked hard to complete that last year of classes.  Although, to be honest, I spent the most effort before I even signed up.  Ahead of the learnin', I sat down with the list of classes, the schedule, and focused as hard as I ever had on one specific desire; How to fulfill graduation requirements without taking even one superfluous class.  I wanted to finish with the EXACT number of necessary credits, and not one more.  I didn't intend to waste even half a moment in a room absorbing something that wouldn't count towards the endgame.

Ha ha, it's fun to learn, kids!

Jeez, thanks for the bat-peer pressure dude. 

After considering all the complicated computations, the concept seemed plausible.  However, the full plan hinged greatly on one last item.  I would need to certify the mandatory language aspect by taking and passing an intermediate-level Spanish test.  By doing this, I'd hit my mark and be done in the fastest possible amount of time.  If I failed the quiz, I'd have to go to college for one additional term, and complete my foreign-language requirement in an actual classroom setting.

The good news, I had taken three years of Spanish in high school.

The bad news, high school was approximately eight-hundred and forty-seven gajillion years ago.

So, yeah.

One more term.

Sigh

Not only did this test-debacle ruin my hopes of being done when I hoped, but it forced on me something even more awful.  That was, sitting for a quarter in a class I had absolutely no business being in.

Intermediate means the teacher only speaks the language she's teaching.  That's it.  And that language is not the one your friendly-neighborhood blogger understands.  I sat there the first day, sweating profusely, trying desperately to interpret every fourth word/coolly asking the bored millennial behind me "say, uh, fellow student, what page did she say?  I mean, I know of course, but, uh, I just wasn't really listening cause it's so easy and....oh, we're supposed to be speaking only Spanish too?  Ah, yes, great, I speak loads of Spanish.  No problem.  Sorry, no problemo.  There, see?  Spanish."

Things weren't looking rosy.  That is, until I discovered Google translate.

Sweet, sweet Google translate.

Every single paragraph and short essay I had to put together for that course meant some serious alone-time with the translation machine.  There's no doubt at all, AT ALL, that I would have failed the class had I not had that tech at the ready.  I'd probably still be degree-less too.  Think how bad this blog's grammar would be then?  Huh?!?  Scary.

Yes, Google was a savior.  That said, and despite my effusive praise above, it did (and still does) have some issues.  I soon discovered that the googs didn't translate things exactly as I intended.  I'd write something in English, flip it to Spanish, and then push it back to English to discover a resulted communication that sat at an education level of the nearest toddler and/or president. Tenses and verbs were mangled.  I had to take what little Spanish know-how I actually did posses and massage phrases until they seemed to actually read at the level of someone who possibly knew what he's doing (which I, of course didn't).  It's a tricky device.

And also kind of fun.

Which brings us, finally, at the very bottom of this gigantic sack of words, to this week's number one tune.

The loca goes in here!

Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca" is an energetic dance hit sung in two languages.  But, are two languages really enough?  According to Wikipedia, this song hit number one in ten countries!  I feel that, to truly rate this song fairly, we're going to have see the lyrics fed through the international word slaughterhouse that is Google translate.

The list of lands where he topped the charts is as follows (alphabetically);

Canada-Finland-Greece-Hungary-Ireland-New Zealand-Romania-Spain-UK-USA

Thus, I have pasted the song's entirety into the Google mechanism.  I will then translate the song to the first country on this list.  Following that, I will take the result and immediately swap it with the second.  And so on, and so on, until we reach the good ol' USA.

Granted, some of these flip-flops won't alter the song much.  I presume the Canadian version will be about the same, just maybe with an occasional "Eh" or "Timbit" thrown in somewhere.  But, in the end, we'll have a song that really reflects its status as an international hit. This is for you Ricky!!!

Livin' La Vida Loca (World Version)
This is the barn
Black cats and voodoo dolls
I know the prophecy
This girl is coming
This is a new feeling
New candles in candles
New addiction
Every day and night
That gives you that
Take and dance in the rain
He is crazy
But your pain
Like the ball of your head

That's just the first verse.  Wow.  Clearly, we're onto some sort of underlying secret here.  I'm a little afraid of doing more of this, to be honest.  I feel like the conspiracy police are going to come find me if I decipher the rest of this message.  Perhaps just the chorus?

Walk into
She lives in the village
Press and drag
We will see the story
Your lips are red red
And the color of the skin is the carpet
Who will be responsible?
We will see the story
He lives

Not terribly catchy.  Still, I think we need to move on here.  I've seen that Julia Roberts movie Conspiracy Theory, so I know what's possible.  Ok, I've never seen that flick.  Or is that just what I want you to believe?  Press and drag, people.  Press and drag!!!!!

Julia Roberts->Brad Pitt->Raptors.  Wake up, it's right in front of us!

FINAL THOUGHTS
Uh, let's see.  What was I talking about?  School?  Clandestine societies?  Skin the color of carpet?  Hmm.  Can't remember the point of this blog entry anymore.  Let's just say three stars.  That sounds about right, for whatever.  Man, this blog stuff is crazy-making.  I'd even say it's a little loca!  If I spoke Spanish.  Which I do.

Loca.

The Bangles "Walk Like an Egyptian"

*****Number One, December, 1986*****


Prior to this week's entry, our little blog has had fifteen total posts.  That's a pretty decent number!  And in many different ways, it's been an interesting mix of songs.  Of course, there are all sorts of charts and graphs and metrics about this three-quarter score of chart toppers that could be downloaded from the NOPR to illustrate this.  There are a million ways to crunch the data.  However, for today's entry, I'm curious about one certain aspect.  Let's get some output:

Gender diversity of A Single Breakdown hit-makers:

• Male-led duo or band / Quantity - 9
• Male solo performer / Quantity - 4
• Female-led duo or band / Quantity - 1
• Female solo performer / Quantity - 1

Hmm, I thought I smelled testosterone.

It's hard to say why things have shaken out this way.  Songs are randomly pulled and then chosen based on a personal connection.  Perhaps the history of pop music is dominated by men, thus our selections represent this ratio?  I don't know, but we've certainly been very short on lady tunes around here.  Even more so, of the two applicable songs, really only Ke$ha's crunky epic "Tik Tok" qualifies as fully female.  Hole, though fronted by a woman, was composed of a mixed-gender backing band behind its mixed-nut of a lead singer Courtney Love.

This all seems terribly unbalanced.  So how do we try and fix it?

We go to Egypt!

Eh, that's not quite right

Sorry, we go to the 80's!

This week we have a zero-fella mega-popular pop group reaching number one.  With "Walk Like an Egyptian", The Bangles hit the big time.  They did this despite the song existing somewhere on the musical axis between silly and nonsensical.  It wasn't quite "Down Under" level madness, but it still hit a pretty unique stride.

And, like those Men at Work, these Women at, uh, Bangling, used the hot music video scene to help push their song to the top.  Filled with live footage, weird montages of random people walking "Egyptian", and an occasional moment of come-hither smoky-eye glancing, the band got a ton of airplay.

She's looking at me, guys.  ME!!!!!!!

It was impressive, especially considering how very weird the song is.  I mean, the title on its own feels as if it could have been a Weird Al number.  Like, he turned "Running with the Devil" into this thing about imitating hieroglyph poses as some sort of wacky dance.  It's just missing a little accordion to be perfect.

Well, really, that can be said about 90% of music.

The thing is, it's not just the title that's odd.  The words themselves fulfill the bizarre concept of this catchy tune extraordinarily well.  How well?  Let's find out!

Sorry they beat you to it Al!

Walk Like an Egyptian
Section 1
"All the old paintings on the tombs / They do the sand dance don't ya know"
"If they move too quick (oh whey oh) / They're falling down like a domino"
"All the bazaar men by the Nile / They got the money on a bet"
"Gold crocodiles (oh whey oh) / They snap their teeth on your cigarette"
"Foreign types with the hookah pipes say / Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh"
"Walk like an Egyptian"

I have to assume that every songwriter, in the back of their mind, desperately hopes that something, anything they create will hit number one.  They must feel this way, regardless of what it is they're composing.

But, I can't imagine that this tune's writer, Liam Sternberg, considered for even a second that writing about sand dancing and hookah pipes would get him to the top of the mountain.  How would that even be any sort of a realistic dream?  Think of that scene for a moment:

"Hey honey, I've finished a new song, and this time, THIS TIME, I've got a hit."
"Liam, you've written dozens of songs, and nothing has gotten you even a paycheck."
"I know, but this is the one!"
"Sigh.  What's it about?"
"People dancing and moving like the figures in cave paintings!  And, I reference bazaar men AND foreign types in the very first stanza.  It's gold!"
A woman walks away, the front door slamming loudly behind her.

The rest of the lyrics are equally, uh, inventive.  They paint a picture of other folks going about their daily business.  And, you know, walking.  People like blond waitresses, kids in the marketplace, party boys, and cops in the donut shop all succumb to this terrible curse.  Why?  We don't know.  Should we be afraid?  Perhaps.

"All the space cadets with bird-like heads sing ay oh whey oh"

FINAL THOUGHTS
Still, when it comes right down to it, this is a fun song.  Energetic and ridiculous, it's a harmless respite from the real world.  The Bangles did the 80's proud with such a goofy and hooky release.  Hopefully, we can hear some Go-Go's or Blondie or other lady-tinged top songs again soon to compliment this one.   I suppose that's for the aliens to decide.  And Weird Al, of course.  They're connected.

I think I've said too much.

Van Halen "Jump"

*****Number One, February, 1984*****


Roughly two and a half months ago, I reviewed a song called "Jump" and went on the Single File podcast to talk about it.  Now, just this week, I reviewed a song called "Jump" and went on the very same podcast.

This unprecedented occurrence made me pause.  And then, once I un-paused, I began looking for a conspiracy.  Why else would this have happened?  Why does anything happen?!?  That's right, conspiracies.  They're all the rage right now, and practically always bear real, truthful fruit.  I mean, Roswell.  Need I say much else?  Exactly.

Now, with this double jump moment, one thing is clear.  The universe, or possibly somebody within this very same universe, is trying to talk to me.  What are they saying?  I needed to listen, because there might be something going on here.

And, what I found was, there is.  Something.  Big.

I started digging, and the deeper I searched, the more I saw.  This event was most-almost-certainly not some sort of coincidence.  The litany of connections I discovered between these two chart topping hits are as staggering as they are bizarre.  Most folks would think that a legendary band's rock song from the 80's would have absolutely no link with the 90's hip-hop stylings of a couple of tween southerners.  Those folks would be very, very, so very wrong

Visual approximation of the midpoint between Van Halen and Kris Kross

I'm here now to blow the lid off this whole sordid history.  You'll never believe how David Lee Roth's firing led to the whole backwards-clothes phenomenon.  But it did, with the involvement of a web of illicit conspirators including a minimum of three popes (that we know of).  Additionally, I discovered that the corresponding music videos, when played at the same exact time, send a message of warning about the safety of this planet.  Earth!  That's right, this goes all the way to the top.

Without further delay, the tale must be told.  The story begins with an old farmer, an empty bucket, and three ungulates, when suddenly

*********************BREAKING NEWS********************

• On Monday, November 5th, The Beach Boys Twitter account (@thebeachboys) sent out a message celebrating the fact that the song "Kokomo" hit number one on the same date thirty years prior.
• On Tuesday morning, November 6th, the Single File Podcast Twitter account (@singlefilepod) retweeted this moment, with the addition of a (mildly amusing) comment noting that occasional Beach Boy and Olson-wrangler John Stamos "still looks as great as ever!" 
• Later that very same Tuesday, this blog's Twitter account (@the_tacothetown) replied to the above tweet, including a somewhat in-the-weeds additional comment which said "They don't even mention #grundo!  Seriously?"   
• This tweet was liked by three people.
• @singlefilepod - the above referenced podcast
• @fatimalovesJS - A John Stamos superfan
• @johnstamos - John Stamos.

Yes, that's right, John Stamos.  

THE John Stamos.

To summarize;
At some point on the morning of election day, John (Mr Stamos to those of you without likes) arose from his youth-recovering cryogenic sleep-time machine, stepped over the half-dozen or so lingerie models strewn about his living room shag, and grabbed his phone.  As he drank down his morning hair-replenishing serum (with banana, since it was a Tuesday) he started scrolling through Twitter.  Among the news articles, Full House threads, and Dave Coulier money requests, he stared at his mentions.  One in particular, despite it containing nearly no language he could possibly comprehend, caught his eye.  At that precise half-second, his perfect brain decided "Yes, yes I like that garbled nonsense."  His finger touched and released the little heart on the screen.

The world kept spinning.

?

****************THIS HAS BEEN BREAKING NEWS*******************

So, there you go.  Jump.  Who knew?  I'll skip the final thoughts this week.  I mean, I'm sure you're all overwhelmed with information anyway.  Let's just enjoy this song!  While we still can.

We must all be witness.  And, yes Dave, we must all jump as well. 

A-ha "Take on Me"

*****Number One, October, 1985*****


So, it's Sunday night.

Crap, it's Sunday night!

Thinking...

You know, I've had the tendency to do some pretty lengthy preambles to our weekly number one hits thus far.  I think that, this time, maybe we'll skip all of that. 

Why?  Uh, reasons.  Musical reasons.  Norwegian musical reasons.

Yup, that's why.

I mean, even though we're only speaking of some chart-toppers from the eighties today, there's so much more to the music scene up there.  Er, over there.  Up and over there.  Somewhere?  Look, Norway simply means business and requires that we don't mess around.  Just look at their national magazine:

Rats, I was hoping this month would be the swimsuit issue

See!?!  We can't bother with any pointless yet scintillating word noodling for this post.  Let's just get on with the song review. 

Bring on A-ha!

Take on Me
Stanza 1
"Talking away"
"I don't know what I'm to say"
"I'll say it anyway"
"Today is another day to find you"
"Shying away"
"I'll be coming for your love.  Ok?"

Summary
Uh, hang on, you're sure these guys aren't Canadian?  Really?  They're so nice.  Not only are they thoughtful about this whole relationship thing, but they ask permission too.  I mean, if if I were a beige-obsessed blond in a weird blouse who spent my nights drinking coffee and reading comics in a dingy diner, then I'd probably fall for these guys myself!  If I were.  Which I'm not. 

My loss, I suppose.

Although, sadly, I have passed many a night hallucinating in the milk bar

Stanza 2
"So needless to say"
"Of odds and ends"
"But I'll be stumbling away"
"Slowly learning that life is ok"
"Say after me"
"It's no better to be safe than sorry"

Summary
Very heartfelt.  These guys are a wellspring of polite regret.  Sure they're not Canadian?  No, sorry, I know, you said they weren't.  Certainly some meaningful lyrics here.  Perhaps they get that way from growing up under the ruthless thumb of the corporate demigod that is Ikea.

Oh, wait, Ikea is Swedish.  Dammit.  Now I really have no idea what to make of this. 

I'm posting this image anyway, despite the international incident it will cause.

Sigh.  Well, shall we go to the final verse?  Yes, lets.

Stanza 3
"Oh things that you say.  Yeah."
"Is it life or just to play my worries away"
"You're all the things I've got to remember"
"You're shying away"
"I'll be coming for you anyway"

Summary
Alrighty, lets get cooking with some Norwegian gas, which at this point I'm guessing burns poetically and releases a smoky ash that fills any space with enough ennui to choke a reindeer.  They do have reindeers there, right?  RIGHT?   

World Reindeer Racing Championships, Norway, 2019

Well, that's a relief.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Already?  Yeah, and I feel bad about it.  I've barely spoken of this pop anthem nor its groundbreaking and innovative video.  Instead, I quickly and superficially parsed the verses, taking more time to talk of non-Canadian-ness than the depth and intensity of the tune's meaning.  Seems kind of unfair, doesn't it?

Perhaps it is.  But, really, the thing is...well, it's Sunday.  Night. 

And it's late.

The song?  Um, sure, I suppose we should score it.  On a range of band names from the magazine cover at the top of this post, from awesome to awful, I'd say "Take on Me" is better than Darkthrone but worse than Old Funeral. 

There you go.  Norway.  Go visit.  They've got reindeer.

I'm going to bed.