Outkast "Ms. Jackson"

*****Number One, February, 2001*****


This week, yours truly is taking a break.  After nearly three months of entries, I decided it was time for a short vacation.  I mean, I've written twelve updates since August.  Twelve!  And each blog post probably took at least an hour to write.  So, that means I've spent a total of something like...

...counting...

...a dozen hours on this project stretched over a quarter of a year!  Are you kidding me?  Boy, I hope all my readers appreciate this dedication and sacrifice.  But, it's fine, it's worth it!  I do it all for you.  And Colin Hay, of course.  He's pretty awesome.

However, don't be sad about my short break from the routine.  You're still getting a dose of hot chart-topping word assessment.  I've got a backup for this week, and he's just the man for the job.

Because he's a dog.

That's right, my main canine Ollie has generously offered to fill in on the blog this week.  He may only be five, but he's a big fan of Outkast and especially knowledgeable of southern rap from the early 2000's.  I know, I was surprised too.

At any rate, much like The Family Circus, I'm letting a youngster handle the content.  Remember The Family Circus?  That awful comic strip that was consistently unfunny, overtly godly, and as bland as the whitest Trump daughter?  Right, that one.  The strips' true author would occasionally have "Billy", one of the younger Hitlery characters, "write" that day's panel.  Basically, it meant that the newspaper smudge that morning had the appearance of being conceived of and drawn by a small, privileged boy.  It was still completely devoid of laughs, but conveyed an obvious attempt at pummeling the reader with childlike charm and wonder.  The whole thing was utterly, remarkably, dreadful.

And, yeah, well, I'm ripping it off.  But!  Instead of an insufferable towhead, my beloved, licking machine of a pooch will be responsible for this week's review.  He will take a gander at this particular number one's lyrics (more specifically the chorus) and give you his thoughts and overall concerns.

Oddly enough, this will be done in comic strip form.  Why?  I don't know, he's a dog.  His ways can't be understood, except when treats are involved.  Crap, I said the "T" word.  Did I break his concentration?

Whew!  Still focused on the blog, it seems

Guess he didn't hear me.  I'm just going to quietly let myself out.

Take it away Ollie!
-----------------------

Bark.

Donovan "Sunshine Superman"

*****Number One, September, 1966*****


A short time ago, I encountered a chart topper that I had never knowingly heard before.  It contained references to a Diddy(?), some Jagger Swagger, and a whole slew of crunky po-po.  It was divine.

At that point, it seemed probable that this sort of incident would be very rare.  Based on the number ones that were being doled out by the NOPR, it appeared likely that I'd be at least moderately familiar with each weekly release.  Perhaps it would be years before finding another unknown gem.

Or, you know, weeks.

And, apparently, not many at that.

Seems I was extremely naive in my expectations this past September.  Pretty much just a blog neanderthal (blogderthal?) in the woods, rooting around in the mud for barely relevant images to steal and post with impunity.  So much has changed since then!

Ok, nothing has changed.  

Thus, unexpectantly, here we are again, standing face-to-face with a never-heard number one.  I have to admit that I'm excited to again greet something that has been completely off my radar.  The music world is a big place, and I'm getting off my beathen path (gross) once more.

And, just like last time, I'm entering the fray utterly empty-handed.  No information about the artist nor their music have been yanked from the wilds of the internets.  I'm just a boy, sitting here, ready to learn about a girl.  Er, song.  And a boy.  Or a girl.  Wait, is Donovan a boy or a girl?

According to the 1st google image result, he's a Paul Westerberg

Alright, we've got that settled.  I guess.  Now, let's dig into the song itself.

As with the majesty that was "Tik Tok", we're pseudo-live blogging the lyrics.  I will carefully, with great integrity and furious focus, grab just a part of the song at a time.  Each time I do the ol' copy/paste combo will be the very first instance I see the wordlings of this top hit.  Then, just as with the Ke$ha kerfuffle, I'll follow up each line from the tune with my immediate reaction.

Without further ado, let's hear, uh, I mean read, some Number One Donovan stylings!

"Sunshine Superman"

• "Sunshine came softly through my a-window today"
• Ok, sunshine, check.  Always nice to take care of things early on.  Don't wait until the last moment to get the title in, I always say (I never say that).
• "Could've tripped out easy a-but I've a-changed my ways"
• Right, I'll refrain from a snap judgement about your meaning and just ask about those ways.  Do those ways include a lot of extra "a's"?  Just a-wondering.
• "It'll take time, I know it but in a while you're gonna be mine, I know it, we'll do it in style"
• Seems you know several things.  Apparently. 
• "Cause I made my mind up you're gonna be mine"
• Again, you know things.  Got it.  

Hmm, alright.  Well not a terribly exciting start.  I was hoping we'd have seen the introduction of Superman already.  Or, at least one of his incompetent villains.  Where's that one guy?  Zuckerberg?  I think that's his name, though I might be getting my films confused.

At any rate, let's go bulk mode on stanza two.  You haven't lost me yet, Donovan, but give me something.  Come on!

• "I'll tell you right now / Any trick in the book now, baby, all that I can find / Everybody's hustlin' just to have a little scene / When I say we'll be cool I think you know what I mean / We stood on a beach at sunset, do you remember when? / I know a beach where, baby, a-it never ends / When you've made your mind up forever to be mine"

Yeah...drugs.  This indicates drugs.  A lot of them.  I just don't know what the hell is going on.  I'm very disappointed in this song so far.  You couldn't find one rhyme for Justice League?  Guh.  Alight mister deep thoughts, let's go to the next section.  Maybe you sobered up in time to pull something from the DC cannon.  Go on, give it a try.

• "Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, / I'll pick up your hand and blow your little mind / ..."

Nope, it only gets worse.  Beyond these two ridiculous phrases, the rest of the third grouping randomly picks lines previously mumbled.  I just...I'm irrititated. 

Not solely cause he's clearly got a head full of zombie, nor due to the fact that he's kind of a dick to the girl he's singing to, but mainly because the damn druggy made me think of the Crash Test Dummies with all those "hmm's".  I'll have baritone in my dreams for weeks.  Thanks a bunch, ya hippie washout.

Let's just finish this, please.

• "Superman or Green Lantern ain't got a-nothin' on me / ..."

I ...just...

Excuse me.

FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK

FINAL THOUGHTS
If there was ever, EVER, a real desire by any parent and/or politician to get kids off of drugs, you would read them that lyric above.

Adult - "Hey kids, Superman or Green Lantern ain't got a-nothin' on me.  Yipdipdeedoo, 23 skiddoo!"
Child - "Thank you sir, my innocence has just been lost.  I must now be a responsible human being from here on out and never, ever, not be fully sober and totally aware of my surroundings at all times."

Green F'n Lantern?!?!?!  Really?

Ok, sorry, I'll stop.

REALLY?!?!?

No, no, I apologize.  I'm having a rough week.  Work's been crazy busy, and then there was this thing with my shoe and the government.  The government!  So, so bad.  It's just, it's not your fault, gentle reader.  I'll try to keep calm.

<deeeeeeeeeeep breath>

Ahem.

You suck Donovan.

There.

Are we done?

Yeah, we're done.

The Beach Boys "Kokomo"

*****Number One, November, 1988*****


Occasionally here at The Breakdown (that's what the kids call it), we get some fake questions.  These queries usually come from non-existent people, so it all works out.  Anywho, this week, I was (not) asked the following:

-----
Dear The Breakdown,
     I'm a kid (see?!?!) and I just started a new job.  I can't possibly take a vacation yet since I have no time-off accrued.  Also, I've voyaged very little in my life so far.  However, I want to present the illusion that I'm a well-traveled, rounded person.  I'm perfectly comfortable lying to people, so I don't mind making up stories about places that I've been.  The thing is, I'm worried that someone who's actually been to the location I'm describing will call me out on it.  I don't want to be mid-explanation of my traumatizing visit to the west coast's largest kazoo memorial if some yahoo in the corner office claims to have been there too and asks me what my favorite part was.  I'll have to guess and say "gift shop" and they'll wrinkle their forehead in response as they'll know the gift shop had been burned down by right-wing recorder enthusiasts and then I'll need to go get a new job.

So, I'd like talk about a vacation to somewhere, but would like that spot to not really exist.  Can you let me know of any made up places, particularly ones that were named in song?  That way, they'd be familiar sounding, and yet un-verifiable. 

Thanks for your help!  Your biggest fan,
Not Real
-----

Thanks Not Real!  And, yes, we can totally help with your issue.  In fact, as luck would have it, today's number one hit is all about a made-up locale.  What a coincidence.  For you.

To help out, let's take a travel site-esque look at this chart topping fictional land of "Kokomo."  If it was good enough for The Beach Boys to create, I'm sure it will be something amazing.  I mean, I doubt they invented that name just because its three beats fit snugly into a chorus and the last syllable happens to rhyme with the word "go".  There must be other reasons.  Legitimate, musical genius reasons.  I guess.

Legit.

Regardless, I'm still relatively sure that this is where you will want to go!

Oh, it's real?  Ok, well, I hear Muncie is lovely this time of year

Firstly, where exactly are we going?

• "Off the Florida Keys, there's a place called Kokomo"

Ah, ok then, down there.  That corner of the world is certainly a popular tourist destination.  And, this island(?) would appear to sit among a bevy of well known and highly regarded lands nearby.  For comparison sake, you could go to;

• "Aruba"
• "Jamaica"
• "Bermuda"
• "Bahama"
• "Key Largo"
• "Montego"
• "Martinique"
• "Montserrat"
• "Port au Prince"

Yep, you could go to any of those.  But, nope, don't.  Just visit the one you haven't heard of.  It really is just like all of those others.  Yet somehow better!

This is not a bait-and-switch.

Kokomo is inhabited almost entirely by friendly ladies and ebullient skippers

Now, once you get there, there are a lot of things to do to see and do!  Let's review some of the top comments from travelers;

• "Bodies in the sand!"  Not dead ones, just to clarify
• "Tropical drinks melting in your hand."  Yeah, it's really, really stinkin' hot here.  The little umbrella in my Maui Zowie turned to ash in mere seconds.
• "Steel drum bands."  My headache hasn't gone away yet, and we were there over eight months ago.

So exciting!  Can you imagine such a place!?!  But wait, there's even more to do than that.

Does Kokomo welcome you like this?  No, thank god.

It's not enough to just go there.  You must truly experience all the island has to offer.  Bring your significant other, and share with her/him the official Kokomo creepy old guy come-ons!

• "We'll put out to sea and we'll perfect our chemistry" / "And by and by we'll defy a little bit of gravity"
• Chemistry!  Gravity!  When your junior high science teacher starts putting the moves on his ex-wife, look out for romance!
• "Afternoon delight, cocktails and moonlit nights" / "That dreamy look in your eye, give me a tropical contact high"
• That's right, like a cruise ship of dad jokes crashing into a Wonder Bread factory, the evening will bring with it a disturbing collision of groaning, pasty bodies. 

FINAL THOUGHTS

Well, it could've been worse.

He rhymes flip flop with pop top.  This man is not well.

So, is Kokomo the type of place you actually want to pretend to have gone to?  You'd assume so, based on the quality of the gents telling you to go there.  But, really, it just comes across as a third-rate getaway.  And you just know that the cocktails are bland and annoying too.  

However, in the end, feel free to tell your new co-workers about your trip here.  Just don't do so too excitedly.  Be honest about your lies and give them the full story.  We all know, some vacations just don't work out.

Next year, though, Paradise City!  I've heard nothing but great things about both the grass (green) and the girls (pretty).  What could possibly go wrong? 

Robin Thicke "Blurred Lines"

*****Number One, June, 2013*****


Who doesn't love hockey?  I doesn't don't!

Meaning I do.

And do you know who else doesn't don't do?  That's right, this week's artist.

Thicke of the neutral zone

I'm a fan of a great many things.  Skating-related sports, cheesy 80's sitcoms, and, uh, that's it.  No, wait, there are certainly a lot of other activities I enjoy.  Presumably.  Wait, what else is there?  Hmm...tacos?  Yes!  Add tacos.  That's three, so yes, a GREAT many things.

Anyway, it's with mucho mullet-y gusto that I dive into our current number one song selection.

This is a tune that received near weekly airplay in its time, and is certainly worthy of an in-depth review.  Not every song is as heartfelt and clever as this particular entry.  And, because it is such an important piece of popular culture, we're going to review the whole gosh darn thing.

Awful Sweater>Youngest Son

Growing Pains was a sitcom about a bland white family.  For sure, must-see TV!  The parents had lovely hair and consistently helpful advice.  They had three kids who each rebelled in just the most non-rebellious of ways.  I'm guessing, at some point, one of them tried smoking or possibly consumed a drug.  Which drug?  I dunno, whichever one the bad kids were doing back then.  Olestra?  Probably.  Peer pressure is hard, just say no everyone.

They survived through tough, entitled times with the help of smiling and love and the satisfaction of knowing it would all be over in twenty-two minutes (minus commercials).  They persisted!  Plus, they had a world-famous actor living in their midst.  That had to help in a myriad of ways.

Now this is a Titanic film I'd see!

Alan Thicke played the father in this desperately milquetoast show.  His pure Canadian awesomeness shone through the staidness, though, and made it worth an occasional viewing.  He had layers.  Outside of dispensing down home wisdom to his pasty fake progeny, Mr Thicke reached several impressive heights.

• Had his own late night talk show, Thicke of the Night
• Co-composed the theme song of both The Facts of Life and Diff'rent Strokes!!!
• Inducted into Canada's walk of fame
• The Facts of Life AND Diff'rent Strokes!!!  Seriously!  That's definitely worth repeating

Sadly, he didn't compose today's entry, entitled "As Long as We've Got Each Other".  Think of how amazing it would have been if he did!  I bet he finally would've found that rhyme for "Gretzky" the world has been searching for lo these many years.  Instead, it was written by John Bettis and Steve Dorff (who, by the way, is the father of moderately successful movie actor Stephen Dorff.  So many familial connections today!).

Mr Thicke didn't add his beefy, booming vocals to the performance either, unfortunately.  BJ Thomas took the reins of spreading the shmaltz all over our earholes.  This Thomas fella was no slouch, though, as he himself had a number one hit back in 1969 with "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head."  Maybe we'll hear more about him on a future show!

If you're wearing a cap the raindrops can't hit your head. This song is all lies!

Alright, let's focus on the pains that are currently growing.   They grow so fast these days.

As Long as We've Got Each Other
Stanza 1
"Show me that smile again (show me that smile)
Don't waste another minute on your cryin'
We're nowhere near the end (nowhere near)
The best is ready to begin"
Summary:
There's a whole lot of telling me what to do here, and I'm not super keen on that, guys.  Plus, referencing "the end" is wildly depressing.  I don't care if we're nowhere near it or somewhere near it, just mentioning it bums people out.  Keep your empty platitudes to yourself, smile police.  Stanza Score - 8 Frowns

Stanza 2
"Oooohhh, as long as we got each other
We got the world spinnin right in our hands
Baby you and me, we gotta be
The luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin'."
Summary:
They went with four o's and three h's for "Oooohhh".  How is that decided?  And, how does a singer interpret that?   I'm honestly curious.  Oh, and "luckiest dreamer"?  I'm guessing that means winning the lottery in your dreams (not in real life, of course, just your dreams).  The unluckiest dreamer, I presume, just imagines really boring crap each night.  So, episodes of Growing Pains, I suppose.  Stanza Score - 5 o's and zero h's

Stanza 3
"As long as we keep givin'
We can take anything that comes our way
Baby, rain or shine, all the time
We got each other, sharin' the laughter and love"
Summary:
Counter to the wealth of o's and h's, this song is biased against g's.  In multiple places, including twice in this section, they forgo proper English for fancy word styling.  Sorry, stylin'.  This feels like a way to seem cool to the kids.  Hey fellow young people, watch our show!  We're fast paced, and sometimes leave our g's out.  That's right!  Tell your friends, the first watch is free.  Well, technically they all are, I suppose.  Stanza Score - All the g's.  All of them!

FINAL THOUGHTS
Alan Thicke - pretty cool
Growing Pains theme song - pretty not
I'm thinking the above pretty much sums it up. 

However, it is a bit odd, now that I think about it, that this theme song should reach the top of the musical mountain so many years after the show went off the air.  But, the hit world is a complicated place.  Sometimes it takes weeks, sometimes it takes decades to get your accolades.  Regardless, I'm happy we could talk a little about Mr Thicke.  He seemed like a good dude.  And, sadly, you can't say that for every number one hit maker.