Kris Kross "Jump"

*****Number One, April, 1992*****

Hmm, let's see, this song.  The subject matter is familiar.

We're jumping!  Are you talking about us?

Yes, er, no, sorry, wrong decade.

I'm jumping around!  Is that what you need?

Well, right year, but I'm looking for something not quite so irishy.

Perhaps we're the jump-meisters you're seeking?

That's the one!  Now we're cooking with jumpy gas.

Mention Kris Kross to folks of a certain age, and you may see a kernel of recognition.  Some might blurt out "kids who wore backwards clothes!"  Or, others possibly will shout "Sailing and Ride Like the Wind and that Dudley Moore movie theme!"  If it's the latter, then get that person out of the sun.  They are old and confused and likely in need of a lie down.

Unrelated, I'm back from my lie down.

Unlike yacht rock captain Christopher Cross, the artists performing today's tune are a couple of youngsters.  They made their mark in a musical style that old white men generally prefer to shake their fist in anger at rather than their belly in time to.  But there's room enough in this world for all sorts of jumping, as well as a wide array of Chrises, Krises, Crosses, and Krosses.

So, let's dig in to the Daddy Mac and the Mac Daddy's lyrics  This particular number one has a pretty high level of words-per-minute.  The dialogue comes out fast and is somewhat clever, which is a bit surprising considering these guys were barely teenagers at the time.  Perhaps they had some help crafting it.  I mean, there's nothing wrong with maybe one or two other co-writers, let's look at the songwriter credit...

Thirteen.  There are thirteen credited writers for this song.  Yikes.

Is that a values judgment?  Should it be?  I'm not sure if I should hold these words to a higher standard or not, based on the quantity of brainpower involved.  We're focusing on the lyrics in this blog.  In theory, they're placed in a vacuum to be assessed independently of anything else.  But, the artists involved in performing said song has an impact on how the words are perceived.  And, I have to feel that the writer(s) who create the words should also be considered in our rating process.

Plus, there's this t-shirt.

This would appear to be evidence

So, we will rate the following "Jump" lyrics from one to five stars.  A higher score is awarded if it was more likely to be written by a precocious child.  A lower total comes if it sounds like someone who could legally drive penned it.  Let's all gather round, bend our knees, and push off from the ground in an upwards motion!  Thirteen lines from thirteen authors, all for your jumping pleasure:

1. "We commence to make you, Jump Jump"
• Commence?  Clearly written by their accountant's father. Zero Stars
2. "I'll make ya bump bump wiggle and shake your rump"
• I'm guessing this is their Uncle Jay.  He says things like this, especially when he's drunk at Thanksgiving, and thinks it's very funny.  He's twenty-nine years old.  Two stars.
3. "A young lovable, huggable type of guy"
• Kris's mom.  One star.
4. "R&B, rappin' bullcrap is what I'm dumpin'"
• Their neighbor George.  He's a garbageman and loves sneaking in shop talk. One star.
5. "So when they ask, Do they rock? Say believe that"
• Someone who doesn't know what rocks.  Three stars.
6. "I love my stuff knockin' (Knockin)"
• Chaz.  He lives down the street and goes to their school.  The ladies like him.  Three stars.
7. "I love it when a girl is like jockin' (Jockin')"
• Chaz's friend Gary.  He thinks the ladies like him.  They do not.  Three stars.
8. "To the back you'll be fortin' again, is that coincidental?"
• Auntie Linda.  She's frequently confused.  One star.
9. "As you listen to my cool, smooth melody"
• The deejay at the local jazz station.  He wears sunglasses all the time and often smells of mothballs.  One star.
10. "Now, the formalities of this and that"
• And, of course, their lawyer gets a verse.  One star.
11. "Is that Kris Kross ain't comin' off whack."
• The manager.  It is vital Kris Kross DOES NOT come off whack.  Tell them  TELL THEM!  Two stars.
12. "Miggida miggida miggida mack"
• The third member of Kris Kross.  His name is Krass, and he really likes making sounds.  Big fan of the Police Academy guy.  Four stars.
13. "Believe dat."
• Yes, I believe a child wrote that.  Five stars.

FINAL SCORE - 27 stars
AVERAGE AGE - 27 years old

FINAL THOUGHTS
Did Kris Kross make you jump?  It's possible.  Is that enough?  Well, sure, for a pop song by a boy band, it might be worse.  They could have made you do all sorts of awful things, like mmm bopping for example (shudder).  For some songs, it's silly to expect too much.  If two young kids who like to wear backwards pants want to tell you to get up off your feet in a rhythmic fashion, then just shrug and accept it.  We've all done it.  We've all done way worse, when you think about it.

Don't think about it.

Peter Gabriel "Sledgehammer"

*****Number One, July, 1986*****


Going through puberty can be a confusing time.  Nearly everything you see, do, and consume causes a monumental internal hullabaloo.  Soda, violent video games, tandem bicycles, bookmarks, loose change, the Arby's hat, nougat, that one Olsen twin, and a pantry full of luridly named treats from Hostess (Ding Dongs, Suzy Q's, Snowballs!) all help forge manic days and sweet, sugary nights.  What's a kid to do?

Constantly watch television, that's what.

Unfortunately for children in the eighties, thanks to MTV, neither enlightenment nor escape occurred via the small screen.  Unsurprisingly, spending hours and hours focused on performers like Prince and Madonna failed to provide a road map to the hormone sanctuary.  Then, adding inanity to this insanity was the cadre of animated nonsense pushed ad-nauseum on viewers by the video channel.  Perfectly cromulent bands like A-ha, The Cars, and (uck) Dire Straits dreamt up 8-bit creations that become staples of ones formative years. 

Until that point in time, Saturday morning shows were innocent forms of entertainment for the younger set.  Cartoons and puppets and nice men in sweaters were supposed to be a world away from real life.  One afternoon, you're watching a rabbit and duck shoot each other in the face.  Harmless fun!  Then, you flip channels and see this.

So much to blame Phil Collins for.  So very much.

You grow up real fast.

One of the worst offenders of this group of never-ending eyeball pummelers was "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel.  It was, by some counts, the most played music video ever.

But, why does such a visual monstrosity matter on a site where we say the focus is on just a song's lyrics?  Well, this hit, in its entirety, is about Peter Gabriel trying to convince some lady to have sex with him.  That's it.  That's the whole song.  And it's not subtle.

The accompanying video, though, had absolutely nothing to do with the lyrics.  It was a cartoon.  A silly and weirdly animated piece of fluff, and it played on a near-constant loop for approximately all of my childhood.

The song and its deeply ingrained companion video are complete polar opposites in terms of tone and communication.  Adult words versus child-like wonder.   This blog is about assessing a song's text on its own, as much as is possible.  But, with how ubiquitous the visuals are, is it feasible to keep separation here?  And, besides that, just what the hell do I say about lines like the following:

"You could have a steam train / If you'd just lay down your tracks"
"You could have a bumper car, bumping / This amusement never ends"
"Show me round your fruit cakes / Cause I will be your honey bee"
"Open up your fruit cakes (!) / Where the fruit is as sweet as can be"
"Oh won't you show for me (!!) / I will show for you (!!!)"
"I've been feeding the rhythm / Going to feel that power, build in you"
"You down with OPP / You know me"
"All day and night, come on and help me do, come on and help me do"

Yeah, and I left out the chorus.  These are absurd, and I'm can only fathom that he wrote them in response to a wager.

"Hey Peter, ten quidaroos (or whatever they have over there) that you can't write a ridiculous song where nearly every line is a obvious reference to boinking."

"You're on mate!  Oh, and double-or-nothing that I can make it a hit!"

And then you look at the music video again.

Choo choo!  Hey kids, it's a train!

And this.

Oh look, we're having animation fun.  Ignore where my nose juts!

And this.

Yeah, I know, pink cotton candy on my head.  Just buy this record please!

And oh, so, so much more.

Clearly, he walked away a winner.  But what of the rest of us?

This song, on its own, is a farce and presumably meant to not be taken seriously.  Do you watch a Monty Python skit and get concerned about plot holes?  No, of course not.  You judge it on it's attempts to make you laugh.

I think I can surmise what this tune is attempting to make me do.  But...when you mix this song and its goofy video together, what is the goal then?

Make you laugh?
Make you horny?
Make you a distressed young man who thinks burlesque shows consist of two raw chickens dancing?

Bock bock

I...have no answer here.  Going through this number one single has left me thinking that, some things just exist, and we shouldn't look for any deeper meaning within them.  There will be no grading of this song and/or video, nor assessing any stars in review.  I...can't.  This is a path we shall not take.  Again.

Instead of judging, I'm picking this experience up, gently cupping it in my hands, carrying it to where the sand meets the sea, and softly releasing it back into nature.  We need to walk away, guys.  Just walk away.

Leave the sledgehammer behind.

Hole "Celebrity Skin"

*****Number One, September, 1998*****


Growing up, whenever my friend Chris and I were watching a movie, and one of the characters spoke the name of the flick onscreen, we'd feel compelled to applaud.  Yes, we were dopey.  But, it seemed a bit impressive when the filmmaker managed to "reasonably" wedge the title somewhere into a chunk of dialogue.  Sort of like marketing your film during the film.  Kinda smart!

Ok, kinda stupid!

When it comes to songs, however, the practice of inserting the title into the body makes a bit more sense.  The vast majority of number one hits are named for some segment of the words ensconced within it.  Seems logical.  After all, if you're writing an ode to pancakes, and the chorus repeats and repeats the glory of the blessed breakfast sponge, you'd expect the name of the tune to be something akin to "The Pancake Song."  I mean, wait, hang on...

(Note to self, find out if there is a pancake song.  If not, discover rhyme for syrup, and rule the world!)

...So, it can be odd to find a tune not named for any combination of the lyrics themselves.  "Celebrity Skin" by Hole fits that bit of unusualness.  The practice isn't necessarily right or wrong, I think.  But, naming a song in this manner raises some questions;

1. If you write a song about a thing, don't you need to mention said thing a few times?
2. Alternatively, if you come up with a title you really like, do you not feel compelled to inject it into the very tune you're using it for?
3. Courtney, are you really as yucky a human being as you have come across these past two decades?

All valid inquiries.  However, if you're name is not Courtney, and you are not at least twenty years old, you can ignore question three.

For now.

The goal of this site is to dig into lyrics independent of anything else.  The thing is, it can be difficult to take such a tact without also taking some connected attributes into consideration.   A song isn't just a list of words floating freely in the atmosphere.  It is tethered down by several aspects, including performer and title.  The parts matter.

With that decree, we're gonna go all judgy on the lyrics from some of the shorter stanzas of "Celebrity Skin" utilizing three separate criteria here:

  

-Are they good?  

-Couldn't they be used as a title?  

-How accurately do these support our dire opinion of Courtney Love?   

I feel this a reasonable and fair exercise, and can't see how it will be silly or ridiculous in the least.  This was a serious and well-regarded band, after all.  Right?

Yup, perfectly sensible.

Let's begin.

"Oh, make me over / I'm all I want to be / A walking study / in demonology"
Going with nonsense right from the start, impressive!  And "A walking study in demonology" sounds like a textbook from some awful community college course, like Beginning Warcraft or Understanding The Craft and Other Ridiculous Pseudo-Dark 90's High School Films.  Ok, I might take that second class.
-Lyric Quality - 2 stars
-Title Potential - 3 stars
-Courtney Applicability - 4 thigh bruises

"Oh, look at my face / My name is might have been / My name is never was / My name's forgotten"
Well, I'm confused.  Individually, each statement is fine.  Clever, even.  But altogether, this section is a mess.  The last three lines are like a haiku written by depressed junior-high student.  In fact, let me count...it is a haiku!  Move the word "been" to line two, and it fits the 5-7-5 structure.  Jeez Courts, I'm sorry Mr Walker graded you so poorly in English Lit, but get over it!
-Lyric Quality - 3 stars
-Title Potential - 4 starts
-Courtney Applicability - 2 dates/diseases with/from a bass player

"You better watch out / What you wish for / It better be worth it / So much to die for"
Too soon.
-Lyric Quality - 3 stars
-Title Potential - 2 stars
-Courtney Applicability - 5 Yokos

"You want a part of me / Well, I'm not selling cheap / No, I'm not selling cheap"
Bottom line is, stardom isn't changing her.  You get that, dozens of marketing people paid to make her dress and look and act a certain way?!?  NOT CHEAP!
-Lyric Quality - 1 star
-Title Potential - 5 (sarcastic) stars
-Courtney Applicability - Respect.  Or, pills.  Either one.  Or both.

Is...is there not one photo of you that doesn't make me itch?

FINAL LYRIC SCORE - 9.00 stars
FINAL TITLE CHOICE - "Five Sarcastic Stars"  (They really should have called me)

FINAL THOUGHTS
Some songs get to number one because they're really good.  Others make it because they're very of-the-moment, or happen to hit a trend perfectly in the sweet spot.  And then, there are the mediocre ones polished within an inch of their life and then pushed on the public at large due to the singer's relationship with a more famous and somehow more dodgy lead singer.

This song?  It's no Demolition Man.

Truer a review has never been rendered.

The Doors "Light My Fire"

*****Number One, July, 1967*****

Here's the problem with poetry.

That sentence was, technically, a poem.

So, yeah, let's talk about this song.

If there's not a cover band with this name yet, well, I'm starting one.

"Light My Fire" has officially been in the public's consciousness now for over fifty years.  It has likely been played tens of thousands of times across nearly all genres of radio.  If you're of a certain age, it is probable that you can identify the tune from just the opening few notes.  But, what of the words?  Are they truly worthy of such a longevity of fame?

In looking over the lyrics, it is easy to be a bit underwhelmed.  There are only eight stanzas. That said, it's a short song.  After removing the excruciating, endless organ noodling that takes place on the album version, the radio cut came in at just under three minutes.  So, in that sense, the quantity of chatter isn't insufficient.

The quality?  Well, let's utilize some duplication reduction techniques to figure out how much useful original chatter there is.  Here's the layout, with restated segments crossed out:

Verse-Chorus-Verse-Chorus-Verse-Chorus-Verse-Chorus

Eh, yup, there are three unique stanzas in the whole flippin' song.  That's it.  Three.  Apparently, fire lighting involves a significant amount of repetition.  But, as they say, it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the leather-clad hips.  Er, yeah.

Anywho, with such a dearth of poetry, I'm sure the lyrics will hit hard and earn top marks.  Let's find out!

No I'm not looking for the nickels I dropped, I'm being moody!

Unique Stanza #1
You know that it would be untrue
You know that I would be a liar
If I was to say to you
Girl, we couldn't get much higher.

From the start, we're putting out some presumptions here, Mr lizard guy.  You're assuming the girl knows things she may OR may not in actuality know.  I once assumed a girl would enjoy watching Fight Club with me.  Uh huh.  We all *think* we understand the lady to our side.  The lesson is, of course, we are all idiots.

Oh, and if I referred to said lady as "Girl", I think I'd be on fire.

However, jokes aside, I think that it is a pretty good beginning of a song.  There's no build-up of the relationship with the women he's talking with, as it just starts straight away with his dialogue to her.  That's an interesting way to dive in.  Many songs seem to dawdle on at the outset, taking a meandering road to the core of the story.  This one begins on point.  Simple but engaging, I think it's a great way to bring the listener in.  Solid execution.

Unique Stanza #1 score - 3.75 stars

Pretty much anything you do in leather pants will look sexy.  Anything!

Unique Stanza #2
Come on baby, light my fire
Come on baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire.

A little demanding of said lady, no?

So, the chorus.  Sigh.  From a purely wordsmithy type point-of-view, this is...ugh.  I mean, I get it.  Sex.  We know what you mean.  And lyrically, the chorus is not a place something too clever should be inserted.  I remember some musician, Ben Folds I think, remarking about not putting the punchline in the chorus since it will quickly lose its impact due to it being repeated multiple times. 

But, still there's more complex ways to get this message across guys.  I mean, it's barely a single entendre.

Although, kudos on rhyming "fire" with "fire".  That must have taken hours to figure out.

Unique Stanza #2 score - 1.25 stars

Wow, Rolling Stone.  I believe this is called "burying the lede."

Unique Stanza #3
The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire
Try now we can only lose
And our love become a funeral pyre

The credited songwriters for this tune, per Wikipedia, are all four members of the band themselves.  I'm going to make an assumption here.  One of the guys was the "serious" one.  He cared about war and humanity and puppies and pot laws (especially pot laws) and was very quick to say to anyone he perceived to have slightly less empathy than himself that "You just don't understand, MAN."  And he said it a LOT.  He cared.  And you needed to know that.

The first three lines were his call to action.  I can see him, whichever him it is, sitting at some ramshackle desk, left hand balled in a fit of rage, penning this trio.  People would listen to this and feel compelled to change the world.  They would have to!  He would make them, goddammit!

And then leather pants stuck 'em in a tune about boning.

Ah well.

Honestly, the first three lines aren't bad at all.  Yes, they sound like the standard hollow gobbledygook that passes for inspirational these days.  But, for back then, it's alright.  I think they get a pass for creativity.

Oh, what of the fourth line?  Sorry, I don't review sentences with the word "pyre" in it.  I have standards.

Unique Stanza #3 score - 3.00 stars

It's a door, ya see...

FINAL SCORE  - 8.00 stars
FINAL GRADE - F (53%)

FINAL THOUGHTS
No, I didn't give a tune named on the list of the greatest rock songs of all time a failing grade.  I just gave the lyrics a failing grade.  There's a big difference.  When pulled apart, some great things just look awful inside.  And in this case, on their own, the words of "Light My Fire" don't deserve a pass.  They're basic and random and just not poetic.  Or, maybe they are.  What is poetry, anyway?

Well, not a pyre.  I can tell you that much.