Year One Review

Over in podcast land, the Single File put out a new episode this past week which takes a look at the last year and provides an update on the highest and lowest rated songs they've covered.

Well, I'm nothing if not totally devoid of original ideas and/or any shame at all in copying others.  So, yes!  We here at the Breakdown are also going to do a year end review thingy that sort of explains what entries were seemingly the most/least enjoyed over the prior twelve months.  Ain't I creative?

The thing is, the rankings over there were based on actual input from the listening public.  I have no listeners.  Nor, public, to be brutally honest.  However, I can provide a form of popularity countdown to suss out and review.  It likely has less to do with song quality, though, and more to do with how many drunkards incorrectly clicked the link to my site thinking they were ordering a chimichanga (happens more than you'd think).  Yup, instead of basing my standings on votes, I can only use page visits. Your mileage may certainly vary with this approach, especially with all of those Russian bots out there (my views will go through the roof if we ever get to post about some Gorky Park hits).

I understand that it's not the soundest metric to judge the songs we looked at.  But, it's really all I've got to use.  Unfortunately, beyond the inherent flaws I've circled above, this method has some other glitches as well.

• I can't include ten of the chart toppers we've covered.  That's because I didn't do individual posts for those releases.  Instead, I took the easy way out in those cases and blogged in bulk (just like those Costco-brand internet commentators).  So those hits cannot be judged the same.  Instead, I'll pull those out and describe which two of those would be the best and worst to do karaoke to.  In a way, that's totally more important data.
• Best choice for karaoke of those ten songs - Prince "Batdance"
• Any chance I get to simply say "Vicky Vale" over and over, I'm going to take it.  And you should too.
• Worst choice for karaoke of those ten songs - Milli Vanilli "Blame it on the Rain"
• You can't cover a song that wasn't actually sung by the band itself.  It's a technically impossible concept.  This is what Inception 2 will be about, if they ever get around to it.

Call me about the script Leo.  Or else.

• I also can't include the final two songs of the year in my list.  I never got a chance to write about them, so they get no score.  If you haven't heard them yet, allow me to explain these number ones thusly:
• Belinda Carlisle "Heaven is a Place on Earth"
• A sappy pop tune about love and heaven and how those things are available here on Earth for the low low price of your eternal soul.  I think.
• Rick Dees and his Cast of Idiots "Disco Duck"
• This song totally refutes everything Belinda just told you.  There is no love and no heaven.  We're all doomed to live in this world which is dark and full of musical awfulness that nobody can possibly survive.  Disco.  Disco ducks.  What else can I tell you that you don't already know.  Be afraid.

We are all doomed

Sigh.

Anyway, let's move on to the ratings.  Per pure, Google calculated click-throughs, here are the ten most popular posts I provided.

1. Billy Joel "We Didn't Start the Fire"
2. TLC "No Scrubs"
3. Ricky Martin "Livin' La Vida Loca"
4. Survivor "Eye of the Tiger"
5. Dave Seville and The Chimpmunks "The Chipmunk Song"
6. Beck "Loser"
7. The Monkees "I'm a Believer"
8. Starship "We Built this City"
9. Vanilla Ice "Ice Ice Baby"
10. Men at Work "Down Under"

Some thoughts:
-Billy was way ahead on my chart.  Perhaps Dan and Henry over at the Firestarters Pod helped fuel the excitement and runaway success of Mr Brinkley's history lesson.

-Ricky Martin held the top spot for quite a while.  It's also one of the favorite things I wrote, as it made me laugh frequently in putting it together.  Guess I'm a scrub after all.

-The most detested song on the pod is my fifth most-read entry.  Proving once and for all, um, reading is for saps.  Chimpmunk-lovin' saps.

-As bad luck would have it, I wrote the Monkees column just after Peter had passed away.  It's one of the few times when I actually had something nice and heartfelt to say about a band rather than just making dumb jokes.  I don't know what I was thinking.

-There's been a lot of Australia content for a music blog from some guy in Oregon.  Seriously, look back.  Men at Work owes me a meat pie. 

And, just as Dillon did, here are the five least read posts of the past year.  Buckle your failure belts tight.

1. A-ha "Take on Me"
2. (tie) Peter Gabriel "Sledgehammer" and Hole "Celebrity Skin" and Outkast "Ms Jackson"
3. The Beach Boys "Kokomo"

Some thoughts:

-Number one is a pretty decent song, but in re-reading my post, yeah, I kind of phoned that one in.  I understand the low tally.  No argument from me.

-In "Sledgehammer", I did something that I hoped someone would mention to me.  Of course, getting that mention would only occur if someone(s) had actually read the piece.  Oh well.  To spoil the fun surprise (if you're still planning on going back to last August to read this post, um, you're more of a procrastinator than I am), take a look at the list of bawdy lyrics I reprinted from the song.  Among them, I stuck in the chorus from Naughty by Nature's magnum opus "O.P.P."  I didn't footnote it or call it out.  I just put it in there, for me.  This is the type of absurd stuff that makes me laugh and laugh.  It also explains why nobody reads this stupid blog.

-Speaking of stupid, "Kokomo".  Really deserves a place in the bottom five.  What a stinker.

So, there you have it!  A year, almost, sort of.  

And now, for a moment of utmost sincerity.  To anyone who has taken the time to read any of the inane babble I've put up on these www's, I can only offer you the humblest thanks.  It's an honor for me when people take the time that could otherwise be used on fantasy football or cat memes or twitter feuds and use a piece of it to scan my words for some entertainment/funny/typos.  Really, you guys are just the best.  This blog is just meant to be an enjoyable and occasional side-hobby, and I'm extremely pleased when it gets an eyeball or two.  I appreciate y'all tons and tons!

Finally, a special shout out to the man who kicked this whole number one empire-thing into gear.  Dillon has done a great job with his show, putting out some amazing material on a weekly basis.  Thanks to him for allowing me to ride the coattails along the way.  If you haven't yet, go out and give the Single File a listen or twelve.  Season two starts soon.

Yep, for both of us.

Anywho, thanks again, and allow me to leave you with you the first thing I wrote for this enterprise nearly twelve months ago.

"Here's the problem with poetry."

Yeah, now the failure makes complete sense. 

Totally worth it!

And, as always, turn down your lights (where applicable)

4 / 4 Time (Australia Edition)

Back in May, I took a deep breath and retreated to the comforting warmth that is covering four songs in one post.  Such extravagance provides me with additional hours of available nothingness that otherwise would have been wasted on dealies like "thinking" or "writing".  Pfft, nuts to those things. 

At the time, I claimed this modified blog style was necessary due to being busy. Super busy.  Surely, you know that's a lie.   

You don't?  That's adorable.

Fact is, nothing feels quite as soothing as choosing laziness and pretending it is for aesthetic reasons.  In fact, for reference, I like to picture the following conversation as a hopeful goal:

ME - "Hello literary agent.  I would like to write a book about doing absolutely nothing except eating Mexican food and occasionally getting up to drink a beer or pet a dog.  I will do this for somewhere between twelve months to the rest of my life, and will write about my experiences as the mood strikes (probably only when tacos/alcohol/pooch are out of reach)."

AGENT - "Brilliant!  When can you start?"

ME - "That's the best part, I already have."

Someday, my friends, someday.

Until then, I'll only be able to engage in such a detached approach to life when real-world obligations force my unmotivated hand.  Moments such as...this week!  

You see, I just returned from traipsing about the underneathy bit of the planet.  And, boy, are my traipses tired!  Nearly fourteen days in Australia (which is about twenty with the exchange rate) wore me out.  However, the adventure has presented another opportunity to talk of NOPR selections in bulk.  So, with a little bit of down under-inspiration, and some good ol' American blog technology, I'll make a futile attempt to try and catch the runaway beer truck that is the Single File.  

Thus, let's make like Crocodile Dundee and call this a knife.  Or, yeah, whatever.

*****The Doobie Brothers, "What a Fool Believes"*****

Number One, April, 1979

Australian equivalent - The Flat White

So, here's a nugget I learned; drip coffee isn't a thing in Australia.  Nobody, either at home nor in coffee shops, makes coffee in such a way.  I can only assume this is because of the whole being-upside-down-all-the-time thing.  Water doesn't drip up, right?  Sounds logical.

Instead of caffeinating like us in such an Isaac Newtonion way, they make the drink using other methods.  And, because of this, you can't just go somewhere and order a "coffee".  There's not really such an item available.  Even worse, though, is that there aren't any massive/never ending pots of bitter energy percolating at breakfast restaurants.  Instead, you have to order an oddly named coffee creation to get one (only one?!?!?) cup of joe (not joey, to be clear).  That's all you get.  To hell with your addiction!

I settled into this crazy world and picked my obligatory go-to.  No long black for me, I'm apparently a flat white guy.  That's right, now you know.  Adjust your scorn/praise accordingly.

Now, how does this link up with the Doobie Brothers?  Well here is the Doob's chorus from this particular number one:

But what a fool believes, he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing
Than nothing at all.

See?  Strangely applicable to my coffee escapade.  Perhaps I'm a fool for believing that another country half a world away would give me my morning boost in the exact same manner as I get it at home.  But, really, would it have been so difficult for them to brew in our style?  We're not talking about a complex process here, just grind and strain the silly plant through a filter.  Easy!  I don't get it, Aussies.  However, in the end, as the bros say it was better than nothing at all.

Wouldn't be a proper post without a Simpsons image

*****The Offspring, "Come Out and Play"*****

Number One (Modern Rock), July, 1994

Australian Equivalent - kangaroo skewers

Ya see, guys, Offspring.  SPRING!

Kangaroos jump a lot.  You might say they have SPRING in their legs!

Boom.  Nailed it.

I could really end this mini-post (and my writing career) with such untouchable brilliance, but I will continue.  You're welcome.

Anyway, I did get the chance to munch on some roo meat during my trip.  I know some people might be taken aback by eating a critter with long ears and a pouch, but I found it pretty tasty.  And, honestly, I'll tuck a fork into pretty much any animal that's placed on a plate in front of me.  Cute, ugly, hairy, stinky, bring them all on.

Speaking of, The Offspring guys clearly embraced this mentality in their music.  Rock, punk, rap, SoCal scene, bad hair, they definitely approached the musical table with open minds and ready appetites.  Was it all good?  No.  However, they took chances.  That's something.

Sad that they didn't do any hip hop though.  Really sad.

I typed "kanagaroo" and "hip hop" into google images.  This.

*****Lil Nas X, "Old Town Road"*****

Number One, April, 2019

Australian Equivalent - Bundaberg Rum

This artist has one of the biggest hits of all-time, and he's not old enough to legally drink in this country.

Jeez I feel old.

Fortunately(?) for him, he can drink the boozy-booze in the land down under.  The legal age is eighteen in those parts rather than twenty-one as it is up here.  Not sure why the youngers are allowed there.  Perhaps it's the heat.  Or the koalas.  Or just plain, dumb logic.

I mean, it's pretty ludicrous that 18-20 year olds can get busted for alcohol here.  It isn't a deterrent to drinking, it just forces them to consume in non-business places like parks and cars and doghouses (don't ask).  That means they ingest more and potentially cause themselves and others more harm.

So, the land founded by criminals has a more sensible policy towards booze (and many other vices) than the one founded by puritans.  Huh, color me utterly un-shocked.

Oh, and you can't even get Bundaberg rum in the states!  Seriously, what is wrong with this country?

Ah, yes, I remember now.  That guy.  Thanks for the reminder.  So glad to be home.

Pre-made cocktails in cans.  Come on USA!

*****Eminem, "Lose Yourself"*****

Number One, November, 1994

Australian Equivalent - Tim Tams

If you've never eaten a Tim Tam, I'm sorry for your loss.  They are chocolatey biscuits of awesomeness, and they should be available everywhere immediately starting right this second.

And, truthfully, I feel that's what Eminem was actually talking about in this chart-topper.  Here's the main part of the tune to back up my claim:

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime you better

The original version had replaced the word "music" with "bite-sized snack".  Yup.  I know!  Do you see the connection now?

Thought so.  This pasty Detroit rapper knows all about the tasty that's underneath said plastic wrapper.

We all live in the same world after all.  When it comes right down to it, there's not much difference between the states and Australia.  It was a lovely place to visit, and I'm sure The Doobie Brothers, The Offspring, Lil Nas X, and Eminem would all echo my sentiment.  Because if there's something that brings together 70's rockers, 90's punks, teenage hitmakers and legendary rappers, it's...um...a blogpost.

Yeah.  That's really the only thing.

Still, thanks Australia, it was fun.  But, honestly, fix your damn coffee.  Sheesh.

Can confirm.  But their insides are delightful!