Sugar Ray "Every Morning"

*****Number One (Modern Rock Tracks), February, 1999*****


Despite agreeing on a great many things, my wife and I have a distinct conflict over the definition of the term "mid-day".  She feels that the word is defined as the exact halfway point of a full day, meaning noon.  I believe that term is more based on art than science, and is meant to roughly reflect the middle of the daytime period.  So, about 2PM or so.  Who's right?

I am.

It is my blog, after all.

Fortunately for us, this thrilling example of "topics boring married people talk about" will soon be put on hold for a couple of weeks.  You see, we're going underground.  No, wait, that's not right.  We're going down under.  Yup, within just a few days, I expect to be chock full o' barbie'd shrimp, vegemite sandwiches, and opium (in no specific order).  Should be a very zombie-headed good time.

Drat, the Simpsons have already done all of that

Now, if you weren't already aware, time works differently in the southern hemisphere.  There are no days, weeks, or months.  Clocks and calendars are non-existent.  The sun is always in the sky, and darkness only falls when the enormous Ocean Kraken emerges from its cave to dance across the horizon to the music of Midnight Oil.  It blots out the light until Enya arrives to sing it back to sleep.  The only thing that marks the passage of time is the number of clouds that float by.  However, down there, clouds are actually made of ghosts, and sometimes they get a bit ornery at being stared out.

It's a difficult place, clearly.  Crocodile Dundee tried to fix this mess by instituting some ideas he gathered from Hollywood.  Sadly, his insistence on referring to each hour as "Knife o'clock" was met with confusion by some, and derision by most.

So, obviously, there is no mid-day for my wife and I to argue about.

Though, if there was, I'd be right again, because, well, you know.

Actual footage of my imminent future

Thus, not only will we not be able to distinguish night from day, but we'll also have no idea when to eat which meal.  This could be an issue.

Fortunately, there is a potential cure.  And, like most answers to life's greatest problems, this one was spewd forth from spikey-headed genius.

No, not Guy Fieri.  Not this time.

The solution, as always, is aquanet

This week's song, by late 90's whatever-group Sugar Ray, is entitled "Every Morning."  This tune is an ode to the regularity at which routine occurs at a point after the sun rises but before mid-day (whenever that is).  But what if there is no "morning" with what to do something every time?  What then?

Well, we need to take all the dawn-related majesty flowed down to us by a crew of SoCal randos and run it through some sort of scientific converter.  A translator, if you will.  That way, this hits' words and noises (lyrics, to put it extremely generously) can be molded into the ways and means of the Australian lifestyle.  Perhaps, when we're done, the world of oz will finally understand what it means to wake up at a specified time rather than just whenever the next venomous bite is felt (occurs roughly every 2.44 minutes).

Since Google Translate doesn't seem to value the koala's tongue as an actual language choice, we have to go with a site called LingoJam.  Sure, it may be a silly name, but so is Yahoo Serious.  And that's a real thing.  Isn't it?  Hello? 

Anyway, let's get on with it.  First verses and chorus should be sufficient.

"Every Morning" in Australian
Every mawrnin' there's a 'alo 'angin
from the bloody cawrnah of my girlfriend's fah post bed
i know it's not mine but i'll see if i can use it fawr
the bloody weekend awr a one-night stand

couldn't understand
how ta wawrk it out
once agayyn as predicted left my cactus heahrt open
'n ya ripped it out

something's got me reelin'
stopped me from believin'
turn me ahround agayyn
said that we can do it
wy'know i want ta do it agayyn Fahkin' fair dinkum cobber.

Oh
(every mawrning)
oh
(every mawrnin' wen i wake up)
(shut the bloody doawr baby, don't say a wawrd)
oh
(she always rights wrongs, she always rights)
(shut the bloody doawr baby, shut the bloody doawr baby) Fahkin' too right, cobber.

FINAL THOUGHTS
I think that settles things. Will report back when I return.  If Men at Work asks, I'll tell them that America still loves them.

Don't touch my stuff.

Fair dinkum indeed

You Can Call Me Al/Maybe

Telephones.  Have you heard of them?  I'm a little fuzzy on the concept, myself.  I've think that they're used to "prank" so called "jerkys"?  Oh, and to ask people if their refrigerator is running.  So, really, the basic tenants of a civilized society.  Seems sufficiently valuable to keep them around, at least until the next communication device becomes popular.  I don't know what that might be, perhaps a mechanized onion that can recalibrate its scent molecules into voice commands?  I hope that's not it.  I don't like onions. 

Stupid oniony future.

Anyway, thank goodness we have telephones. With them, we can all live a life in the lap of luxury!

#InnerEarSelfie

There is an unfortunate byproduct of such technology, sadly.  That is, people will occasionally use their phones to call me.  Me!  Can you imagine?!?!  The temerity.  If I wanted to chat with people, I'd be a game show host.  I don't have time for such nonsense.  Please don't dial my number, I won't answer.  In fact, I ask that you never, ever dial any of the nine digits assigned to my existence.  Not in the correct order, not in any order.  Really, I'm not joking.  If someone even uses a nine, I'll find out and be furious.

However, if you feel it vital to have a word, there is one way we can make this work.  You just have to tell me to initiate the ringing.  That's right.  Don't expect me to pick up the receiver when you beckon, but I will acquiesce if you suggest I start the process.  That's totes cool.

Speaking of:

Actual footage of youth trying to use phone booths.  Kids are dumb.

*****Carly Rae Jepsen "Call Me Maybe"*****

Does Carly Rae wants us to give her a jingle?  Or is she insisting we simply call her by a different name?  While we all have learned from Arrested Development that Maeby is a perfectly fine moniker, it might not be one you want to go with unless you've got eyes for your cousin.  Or he's got eyes for you.  Or for your dragons.  No, wait, that was a different show which had "family time."  I get them confused because each show had obsessively passionate fans who thought theirs the best show ever until it turned into the worst show ever that deserved nothing but scorn when it didn't end in a way that they personally expected.  Serves those shows right.  Stupid free entertainment.

So, okay, back to Ms Jepsen.  I don't know for sure what her intentions are.  Perhaps we need to assess the non-call-specific lyrics of her address to see what she's trying to accomplish.  I have no idea what any of the words of this song are outside of that confusing chorus, so there could be a bit of clarity there.  It is probably best if we learn the opening together, line by line, with my immediate thoughts pasted in a non-italicized fashion afterwords.  That is always the most sensible method, from what I've been told (in person).

Stanza 1

• "I threw a wish in the well" 
• Oh, ok, well, that seems wasteful
• "Don't ask me I'll never tell"
• I don't need to ask you, because you just told me.  I don't think you know how questions work.
• "I looked to you as it fell"
• Why, what did I do?
• "And now you're in my way
• Sheesh, your pushy!
• "I'd trade my soul for a wish"
• Well, neither of those exists, so that's a fair trade I'd say
• "Pennies and dimes for a kiss"
• I've made that offer before, and trust me lady, no sale.
• "I wasn't looking for this"
• What else weren't you looking for?  Pretty much everything?  Yup.
• "But now you're in my way"
• You are the rudest Canadian I've ever met!

So, apparently, there's no sense in attempting to communicate with this Jepsen person.  She seems completely fixated on other matters at the moment and provides no information as to why she'd want to hear from me.  Also, apparently I'm in her way all the time.  Oy, guess it best I just steer clear. 

Instead of obstructing a Canuck, let's see if I should call an older fella.

Thank you Art, it WAS running.  How did you know?

*****Paul Simon "You Can Call Me Al"*****

Mr Simon has so many hits, I can't name any of them.  Was this a hit?  I don't know.  Should I call him?  We'll see.  Let's skip my typically nonsensical preamble and go directly to the consonants and whatnot;

Stanza 1

• "A man walks down the street"
• Oh, I think I've heard this joke
• "He says, "Why am I soft in the middle, now?  Why am I soft in the middle?"
• I dunno, is he the Pillbury Doughboy with a complex?
• "The rest of my life is so hard"
• Hmm, this is getting serious.  Are you ok?  Maybe I will call you.
• "I need a photo opportunity.  I want a shot at redemption"
• Sure, don't we all.  I'll start dialing.
• "Don't want to end up a cartoon.  In a cartoon graveyard"
• Wait, I was dialing and heard you mention cartoon graveyards.  What was that?
• "Bonedigger, bonedigger.  Dogs in the moonlight."
• Uh, I stopped dialing.
• "Far away in my well-lit door.  Mr Beerbelly, Beerbelly, Get these mutts away from me."
• This pup problem sounds pretty severe.  I don't think I wanna hangout.  And, for the record, I don't drink THAT much beer.
• "You know, I don't find this stuff amusing anymore"
• Same.  I need a beer.

So, who's calling whom?  I really have no clue, there's nothing in the above that even mentions what his intention is.  Why are all of these singers trying so hard to obfuscate the meaning behind their catchiest refrains?  This seems very suspicious.  I'm starting to think that having a number one single gets you more than fame, brown M&M's, and top notch helper monkeys.  It might also mean that you're brought into a secret room to learn about the next technology the world will embrace. 

Paul and Carly Rae, why have you forsaken the rest of us?  Can't you please tell us, for the sake of all communicating creatures, large and small (except raccoons, screw them), just what does the future have in store for us?!?!??!!

Oh, that, of course, I knew that was going to happen.  Seriously.  I don't want to say I called it.

So I won't.